Hello @SadlyObsessed. You asked for feedback, so I’ll go chapter by chapter. Apologies in advance for the length. This is my review for Chapter 1.
First, your premise is very strong. Tying Nyra to Clare Beddor in ACOTAR is a clever choice because it roots your OC in canon while leaving space for development. The emotional hook is clear from the start, and Nyra’s grief and rage feel palpable.
I especially liked:
- Garden/tree opening: soft and tranquil, which contrasts well with the fire.
- Promise motif: Clare promising not to leave, and Nyra promising revenge. That parallel is noteworthy.
- Archeron integration: it lets readers know the setting.
- Ring/magic suppression concept: very intriguing.
That said, since you asked for constructive feedback, here are a few suggestions:
1. Tightening the prose: You use repetition well for emphasis, but sometimes it lessens the impact. For example:
“burning and burning and burning” works well (Rule of Threes).
“No. No, no, no, NO!” could be tightened to something like “No, no, NO!” to keep the intensity without overusing repetition. Trimming some repeated phrases would make the strongest lines hit harder.
The Rule of Threes suggests that a trio of events, actions, nouns, etc. in succession makes a memorable impression. Of course, this isn't a rule that must be followed all the time, but usually abiding by this rule improves prose greatly.
2. Grammar and sentence flow: There are a few minor grammar issues and tense shifts (commas after “Mother above” and clearer hyphen use). A focused proofreading pass would really polish the chapter.
3. Pacing: There’s a lot happening in one chapter: dream, fire, Attor, vow, street survival, fae reveal, mind-reading, ring suppression, Archeron setup. You might consider slowing certain moments down or even splitting it into two chapters so readers can process it all.
Overall, this is a strong start with a compelling emotional core. I’m very interested to see where you take Nyra next.
