Hey, gorgeous.
Oh God..
You would have been 20 today, huh?
Oh God...
It's so hard, all the time >.< I don't know how I breathe without you. I don't know... I don't know how I'm still alive.
You were my very heart. You knew that, right? You knew that you were every little thing to me, right?
You had to have known how much you meant to me... I couldn't go a few days without talking to you. It was unbearable. Painful to the point where I didn't know what to do.
But I've done for more than two months now. And I don't even know how...
My hair grew out. It's at my shoulder-blades now. Just as curly and tangle-y as ever.
I lost friends--gained a few that may be new ones?
You have a new grandson now. His name is Jackson. You would have loved him, Reir. You would have loved him....
I just made 13 months without self-harming! I think you would have been proud of me! I'm trying so hard to stay good! >.< It's hard sometimes, though...
Like when I was told you died....
I didn't know what to do...
I cried all night. Fell asleep someone between midnight and dawn... Woke up with a migraine and threw up as soon as I could make it to the bathroom.
I made you a Dia de los Muertos (Day of the Dead) memorial-thingy in Spanish class. My teacher said she almost cried when she read it... I put the poem I wrote for you on the back.
But I'm okay now... not really. I miss you like hell, Reir! No one can call me coeur anymore! No one can read me like the back of their hand and no one can threaten to come to my school in high heels and shake their butt at all the bullies that bring me down throughout the year...
Oh, Reir... How do I... how do I go on without you? I don't even know how I've been making it. I don't...
Why didn't you tell me?! God! I just want to scream and cry and beg for answers that no one will or can answer...
I love you with all of my heart. Te queiro. J'taime (hahaha! I'm still sure I haven't gotten that right at all...)
Happy birthday. And Happy New Year's..<3<3 :*