I should be a demon in the Ticking Realm to which you decided to add me in. Plus, I just read it and you have improper grammar and misspelled words. Woman, you're driving me crazy. Actually, I do that to myself. I do get your idea, but add more action. Try not to use alot of dialog. Example:
Billy cried out "NARNIA!" "BANANANNANAS" blah blah blah.
Try something that separates the dialog so it's easier to read:
"I hope, we can free them." Abby sighs.
"Yeah. I agree." Cody sits down, resting his aching feet.
See? Easier to read. Plz take this important information and use it. It will help you.
