SayItWithSparkles

i believe no one really reads my message board so, i'm going to rant a lil bit.
          	
          	i don't like myself as of the moment and i guess, for the moments to come.
          	
          	reason: because i contradict myself. a. lot.
          	
          	my hopes and dreams... they're big! bigger than my forehead, even (lol). their existence, somehow, threatens who i am most of the time - stagnant, unwilling... contradicting.
          	
          	the back of my mind whispers that i should do it but my whole body screams that i shouldn't because i couldn't and that if i do and it doesn't go according to what i want to happen, i would've been just wasting my time.
          	
          	one thing that triggered this realization was when i was asked what i wanted in life and i answered, "i wanna publish a book." the person i was talking to replied, "why not do it now?" and it got me thinking, 'huh. he has a point. why not now?' it made me realize how wishful my thinking was.
          	
          	++

SayItWithSparkles

i want to be recognized and congratulated but i never take desperate measures to achieve that. instead, i lay down in bed, scrolling through social media, and feel bad about myself because people i know are ahead of me already.
          	  
          	  nothing makes sense to me now, even the world. i wonder if i fit in or that i force myself to fit in. is this who i really am or is this the façade i'm used to show? it's hard to be socially active when my thoughts races in my mind, disturbing me and my sanity: "don't try and be annoying." "you might be oversharing." "you're too cringey, don't post." "you sounded needy." "you really need to work on your online persona."
          	  
          	  i wish i could go back and be confident of my talent, my worth, and my skill again. i feel so deprived of who i am and my worth that i just really want to live underwater with no gills.
          	  
          	  i hate being stagnant but stagnant is all that i am.
          	  
          	  i don't know how to end this rant. i guess i'll just say good night?
          	  
          	  okay. good night. thank you for reading, in case you got to this sentence. no need to reply, it's already enough that you are aware. i hope your line is better than mines.
          	  
          	  -Xandra
• Reply

SayItWithSparkles

@SayItWithSparkles after that coversation, everything about me became tasteless. i wondered if the path i'm treading was the best path and that i wouldn't regret the destination or the progress i made just to get there. i felt tasteless and numb, like i'm there physically but mentally i wasn't. i took steps i wasn't aware i was taking and i didn'f even care where my feet are dragging me.
          	  
          	  it got to a point where i'm on auto-pilot all the time and when i do grasp my consciousness about my situation, i hated it.
          	  
          	  i became doubtful... and somewhat selfish.
          	  
          	  doubtful and selfish. a very intriguing duo.
          	  
          	  doubting myself - if i'm good enough for the future i hope for myself, if i'm good enough to make my friends stay with me when the going gets tough, if i am competent, if i am enough, if i am the better version of myself or not. i keep this doubts in mind and turned selfish.
          	  
          	  i'm selfish because i never gave myself a chance to go to even higher grounds. i'm selfish because i want to stay the way i am when i absolutely know that this isn't the me who's going to fulfill those dreams. i've sacrificed my talents and skills over the thought that i am worthless.
          	  
          	  i stopped drawing because i never improved (in fact, i downgraded as an artist), i don't like to sing because i realized i wasn't good at it, i don't will myself to read anymore because i'm preoccupied most of the time, and i don't write a lot like before because i believed i will never finish something.
          	  
          	  selfish. absolutely.
          	  
          	  ++
• Reply

SayItWithSparkles

i believe no one really reads my message board so, i'm going to rant a lil bit.
          
          i don't like myself as of the moment and i guess, for the moments to come.
          
          reason: because i contradict myself. a. lot.
          
          my hopes and dreams... they're big! bigger than my forehead, even (lol). their existence, somehow, threatens who i am most of the time - stagnant, unwilling... contradicting.
          
          the back of my mind whispers that i should do it but my whole body screams that i shouldn't because i couldn't and that if i do and it doesn't go according to what i want to happen, i would've been just wasting my time.
          
          one thing that triggered this realization was when i was asked what i wanted in life and i answered, "i wanna publish a book." the person i was talking to replied, "why not do it now?" and it got me thinking, 'huh. he has a point. why not now?' it made me realize how wishful my thinking was.
          
          ++

SayItWithSparkles

i want to be recognized and congratulated but i never take desperate measures to achieve that. instead, i lay down in bed, scrolling through social media, and feel bad about myself because people i know are ahead of me already.
            
            nothing makes sense to me now, even the world. i wonder if i fit in or that i force myself to fit in. is this who i really am or is this the façade i'm used to show? it's hard to be socially active when my thoughts races in my mind, disturbing me and my sanity: "don't try and be annoying." "you might be oversharing." "you're too cringey, don't post." "you sounded needy." "you really need to work on your online persona."
            
            i wish i could go back and be confident of my talent, my worth, and my skill again. i feel so deprived of who i am and my worth that i just really want to live underwater with no gills.
            
            i hate being stagnant but stagnant is all that i am.
            
            i don't know how to end this rant. i guess i'll just say good night?
            
            okay. good night. thank you for reading, in case you got to this sentence. no need to reply, it's already enough that you are aware. i hope your line is better than mines.
            
            -Xandra
• Reply

SayItWithSparkles

@SayItWithSparkles after that coversation, everything about me became tasteless. i wondered if the path i'm treading was the best path and that i wouldn't regret the destination or the progress i made just to get there. i felt tasteless and numb, like i'm there physically but mentally i wasn't. i took steps i wasn't aware i was taking and i didn'f even care where my feet are dragging me.
            
            it got to a point where i'm on auto-pilot all the time and when i do grasp my consciousness about my situation, i hated it.
            
            i became doubtful... and somewhat selfish.
            
            doubtful and selfish. a very intriguing duo.
            
            doubting myself - if i'm good enough for the future i hope for myself, if i'm good enough to make my friends stay with me when the going gets tough, if i am competent, if i am enough, if i am the better version of myself or not. i keep this doubts in mind and turned selfish.
            
            i'm selfish because i never gave myself a chance to go to even higher grounds. i'm selfish because i want to stay the way i am when i absolutely know that this isn't the me who's going to fulfill those dreams. i've sacrificed my talents and skills over the thought that i am worthless.
            
            i stopped drawing because i never improved (in fact, i downgraded as an artist), i don't like to sing because i realized i wasn't good at it, i don't will myself to read anymore because i'm preoccupied most of the time, and i don't write a lot like before because i believed i will never finish something.
            
            selfish. absolutely.
            
            ++
• Reply

SayItWithSparkles

not sure if ya'll are reading my new published book named Letters To No One... but if you do, congratulations that you did especially reading Stolen Stares.
          
          why am i saying this, you may asked... it's because i unpublished Stolen Stares. teehee~
          
          reason: because i'm keeping things pg for the book. okay?
          
          to those who haven't read Stolen Stares, i'm sad for you but we're early adolescent friendly here ^__^
          
          i posted the story on a different platform tho but i'm not telling unless you kindly ask me :P
          
          Good evening, btw.
          
          ♡ SANDRA

crynge

Bb,
          I love you!
          Stay safe!
          
          Please hydrate constantly and
          Get enough rest :)
          
          uwu I miss you sooo much 
          
          ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡