"Fish. I'm ugly!"

I’ve posted my goodbye in a book of mine, because for some reason it wouldn’t let me put it here. I know you will never read it, but I just felt like you should know.
          
          Goodbye, Daniel.

Hello,
          
          I don't know to start this, and I don't know know how I'm going to feel by the time I finish this, but the year is coming to an end, and it's time for me to say things I have never said, words and feelings that I have kept to myself ever since I met you. These are things I had never fathomed to be important until now because this entire time I was wallowing in the shadows of losing your trust, your friendship that I valued oh, so very much, where in reality I should have only cared about myself. 
          
          Do you know why, because I haven't a clue about who I wasted so many days, so many insomnia induced nights, so many tears for. The smiles you brought onto my face we're sugar coated with your once ever so convincing lies, lies that blurred the lines of reality, that tainted the fact that I don't know who you are, and never will. You are every shadow of doubt that runs in my veins, you are the boy who cried wolf, and even though I'm writing this to call truce, dear God do I hope you suffer for all that you have done.
          
          It starts in August, my adventure with you. You are boy, a few months older than me. You are a friend, one that I value, because I don't have many friends, nobody bothers to find me likeable. You are funny, your comments and messages make me laugh while I lay awake under the covers late at night just to talk to you and the only friends I have. 
          
          And time goes on, the hands on the clock spin minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, and I realize that I genuinely care about you. I love you, I love you like a brother. It's funny, I'm so desperate, I don't realize I haven't a clue who you are.
          
          It goes on, our friendship. I change my schedules to be able to talk to you, and I stay up until sunrise just to talk you out of cutting, out of wanting to kill yourself. 
          
          I'm so desperate.
          
          And you know, at first it was genuine. I was so hurt when I thought you killed yourself the first time. I was in pain. I messaged you over, and over.
          I cared.
          
          (1)

hey dan, it’s me. just wanted to pop by to say a late Merry Christmas. it would have been so nice if I spent it with you. I love Ashton,obviously, but you were the first I met. and truth be told, I was jealous of yours and Prag’s relationship. I wished I was Pragya at times.but that’s selfish. I was happy for you. my life’s up shit street now but that’s a different story I don’t want out in public. I guess what I’m trying to say is I miss you, Daniel. you never had a go at me for calling you Dan. I miss our chats. you’d always make me laugh by talking about all the different things you got up to. remember when autocorrect changed fucks to ducks, so you said you were going to have multiple ducks? that was the last thing we talked about. at least it ended on a happy note. it’s only just sinking in that you’re gone. this won’t be the last time I’ll message you, but I’ll message you before 2017 is over for a final goodbye. I want to be happy in 2018, but just know that you’ll always have a place in my heart, and I’ll never, ever forget you. thanks for the memories, even if they weren’t so great <\3
          

I miss you... I miss not you but the person who let me call him Pop Tart if he could call me 'Sunshine' when I was the one who thrived in shadows. I miss the person who could make me me laugh by calling my judgmental friends 'little bitches.' They found out about you, Daniel. I miss you and you're a memory I wanted to keep safe. My brother who would never lat any harm come to me. Do you miss me? Maybe not... It's kind of hard to do so when you're busy being non-existent, huh?

I doubt you use this account anymore. Shame, isn't it? You were like a true brother to me. I missed you more than fucking hell when you deleted your account. You were an older sibling I never had. I had suicidal thoughts but you would make it better by simply saying, "Hello, Sunshine." When I would say I'm crying of laughter, you would misinterpret it and ask if I was alright, if it was his fault. I remember one day I asked who taught you English, told you I wasn't really crying. I told you you need learn how to interpret words and emotions but you made it so dirty by saying, "Will my hot little sis give me a lesson?" I was laughing so hard. I would make my dad buy Pop Tarts whenever I could just to remember you. Pathetic, isn't it? That was how I felt after every lie. Pathetic. Cheated. Betrayed. I still loved you, said sentimental words despite the possibility that you were probably some teen laughing with his friends over how naive I was. I am not what I used to be. You hurt me beyond repair. This is the time you would say you would suicide because you hurt us. Our family isn't the same... This is my fault... I found out the truth... I miss every part of you. I want Daniel Harget back. Not Daniel Pollard. Not Walter Harget. Definitely not Sophia Mann. It hurts to greet you with a Sophia/Daniel because we aren't ready to accept you're gone. I won't let anyone see what happened to me. I miss all the jokes we made about you fucking June, I miss Suntart, I miss you, Daniel.
          
          It isn't the same. I want you back. You, as in Daniel Walter Fryer Harget. But you know the fucked up thing? You won't come back.
          
          I wish I never met you, Daniel. I wish you never came to us. Why did you hurt us so bad? Why did you meet me if you know you were meant to leave? After all this, I still love you.
          
          "Thanks for the memories, even though they weren't so great." -Fall Out Boy, the band we both obsessed over.
          
          Love,
          Sunshine.

Sometimes I still think of you.
          Sometimes I want you to come back.
          I love Sophie and all, but all the memories we share are not really us.
          I share them with you, Daniel, but Sophie shares them with me. It doesn’t make sense, does it? Hah, I’m still an idiot. But she acts like you and I can’t help but think of you all the time when she’s around...
          Sometimes I wish it was a lie. What she said. But I know it isn’t and I know it never will be. I know I need to love her because she’s family. She was always family. But so were you. I don’t know what to think, Daniel. I need your advice and your funny sex jokes. Fuck, I just need you. But you’re gone. It’s Sophie now. Your time is over.
          Sometimes, I remember I have to move on...

A.) You aren't ugly
          B.) Fish is @xxshilpsxx 's word
          C.) I can't keep up with the name changes!

EXCUSE MOI
          FISH IS MA WORD YA FISH

Daniel... Your name changed...

Oi! I thought I was the happy bunny!