M.A.M

Dear Aunt Lina, 
          
          
          Thank you for everything. You dont know this but you've helped me a lot from the moment we met until now. 
          
          I dont know maybe the hormones but i feel so sad today (November 3, 2023) knowing it will take a year or more before we'll see each other again. A tear shed knowing i will be missing you more this time.
          
          Thank you aunt for making me feel so welcome and accepted. I have never felt this way from any other relatives of mine. Our meetings were quite few but i remembered them all.  The stories we shared, the laughters, the smiles, the sharing, the cooking all of these were embedded in my heart and memories. 
          
          
          Thank you aunt. See again next year or fhe following year. Stay healthy and strong. 
          
          

YuZhou  ZhouYu  WhaleMeow 
          
          Officially signing off.
          
          Thank you for the wonderful memories and experiences. 
          
          Have a more fruitfull years ahead with or without each other.
          
          You will always be my first love and first heartache. Thank you for the every smiles you brought through all those years of being with you.
          
          Without Bai Lu Yin And Gu Hai there is the Xu Weizhou that everybody adores and the Huang Jingyu with equally abundant blessings and charm. So be healthy and happy with your life and everything will be worth it. 
          
          Jiayo! 
          
          Fantasy/fiction may end but reality continues so hurrah to our reality ka-addicted.
          
          Congratulations Timmy on your married life! 
          
          (March 10, 2022)
          
          Solemly and honestly praying for your joyful forever,
          
          MHEL

Today while browsing youtube and facebook I learned of a shocking news (well, mostly on my part). (March 10, 2022) One of my fave chinese actor/singer/composer/model got married officially to his non-showbiz girlfriend. 
          
          Once again I got broken by the same person/topic/fandom. My heart shattered due to the fact that YuZhu is no more. No second season for Shangyin: addicted heroine and so is the chance for Johnny Huang Jingyu and Timmy Xu Weizhu to be seen together again in the same stage and in the same picture.
          
          I came to know both of them way back 2016 when I watched on youtube their very first movie together which is the addicted. I got addicted with the story and to the cast as well not to mention I searched for the english translation of the novel. I admired them and followed them eversince. My heart goes with them and so when the Chinese government banned their movie from airing further as well as the main actors on standing/working/cooperating being banned, I felt grievance and sympathy to all of them. 
          
          I watched every behind the scenes and every posted interactions between the cast mainly Johnny and Timmy. I downloaded and memorized the opening and theme song. I stayed with them thru the support I can manage by watching their individual movies/series. 
          
          I did hope for them to be able to work for season 2 of Addicted. I believed in the eight-year promise and I still do. 
          
          Well, reality suck really. But I wish for Timmy's happiness. So long as he is happy i'm ok with anything.
          
          Congratulations on married life, Timmy Xu Weizhu. 
          
          You are always the Bai Lu Yin of Gu Hai in my heart. A friend of Yang Meng and first love of Yu Qi. 
          
          THANK YOU FOR THE BEAUTIFUL MEMORIES. MORE TO WEAVE.
          
          See you again.
          
          
          
          

Today while browsing youtube and facebook I learned of a shocking news (well, mostly on my part). (March 10, 2022) One of my fave chinese actor/singer/composer/model got married officially to his non-showbiz girlfriend. 
          
          Once again I got broken by the same person/topic/fandom. My heart shattered due to the fact that YuZhu is no more. No second season for Shangyin: addicted heroine and so is the chance for Johnny Huang Jingyu and Timmy Xu Weizhu to be seen together again in the same stage and in the same picture.
          
          I came to know both of them way back 2016 when I watched on youtube their very first movie together which is the addicted. I got addicted with the story and to the cast as well not to mention I searched for the english translation of the novel. I admired them and followed them eversince. My heart goes with them and so when the Chinese government banned their movie from airing further as well as the main actors on standing/working/cooperating being banned, I felt grievance and sympathy to all of them. 
          
          I watched every behind the scenes and every posted interactions between the cast mainly Johnny and Timmy. I downloaded and memorized the opening and theme song. I stayed with them thru the support I can manage by watching their individual movies/series. 
          
          I did hope for them to be able to work for season 2 of Addicted. I believed in the eight-year promise and I still do. 
          
          Well, reality suck really. But I wish for Timmy's happiness. So long as he is happy i'm ok with anything.
          
          Congratulations on married life, Timmy Xu Weizhu. 
          
          You are always the Bai Lu Yin of Gu Hai in my heart. A friend of Yang Meng and first love of Yu Qi. 
          
          THANK YOU FOR THE BEAUTIFUL MEMORIES. MORE TO WEAVE.
          
          See you again.
          
          
          
          

          
          I don't really have the strength to keep being the willful and strong independent woman that everybody know. But I need to or i'll be completely broken or worst, dead.
          
          I whine a lot
          
          I cry often
          
          I'd go berserk every once in a while
          
          I'd scream loudly on certain occasions
          
          But all of these were done when now one else is around. I 'd go crazy when i'm alone just to relieve what was bottled inside. 
          
          I smile always like i'm happy
          
          I will comfort those around me without them knowing that I myself is equally needing if such gesture
          
          Constantly showering everyone with love, care and everything nice while hoping that i'd get some in return. To just maybe inspire the light of my life to continue shining amidst the darkness slowly engulfing my sanity.
          
          My heart is empty.
          
          My head is crazy.
          
          My world is in darkness.
          
          And my existence is barely hanging on.
          
          How to be not unhappy anymore? Because i'm tired.

I never realised how much of a useless daughter I am until an overseas call from my mother came four days ago. (September 4, 2021)
          
          I rarely write a message to her. She barely crossed my mind and I neglected being a filial daughter big time.
          
          I became very busy with my own personal life struggles that I have forgotten the fact that in a land far away a mother is waiting for me to remember her. 
          
          That up until this very moment she's doing everything to provide for her children and for her relatives, too.
          
          I had forgotten her sacrifices and acted as if she meant nothing to me at all.
          
          I have never been there for her and that made me a true useless daughter.
          
          I even favored others more over my own mother whose sweat and blood dripped just so we, her children, can live a more comfortable life. 
          
          She's been publicly ridiculed and scolded by the people she's helping and her niece defended her instead of her daughter. 
          
          I feel ashamed of myself. I only know my miseries without noticing that my mother is also suffering alone in that strange and foreign land.
          
          I'm sorry Mom. I really let you down.
          
          Your call woke up my conscious on how unworthy of me to be your daughter but also made me realised how much I am missing you all these years. 
          
          I miss you, Mama. I really do.
          
          
          Daughter of yours,
          
          mhel
          
          

Morning today, Wednesday May 12, 2021, my former boss died. Her death shocked me and is a great loss for me.
          
          When i'm still working with her, she's the one helping me with chinese language (though I can't barely memorize her teaching). 
          
          When Shangyin:Addicted Heroin got banned in china, I pestered her about it knowing she's been working as a company president there for 30+ years. She patiently answered all my whys, hows, whens and whatnots.
          
          She knows about my obsession with Chinese songs and Chinese bromance and boy's love plot novels. Sadly we never had the chance to see each other again since December 2019, since this pandemic began.
          
          To you maam Letty Guiad,
          
          I'm sorry I haven't talk to you since then. 
          
          I'm sorry for leaving you hanging.
          
          I'm sorry for everything.
          
          But you're my best leader and boss despite our misunderstandings.
          
          I had appreciated your every lectures and scoldings despite being indifferent about it.
          
          May you rest in peace. Don't bother about us anymore we can manage. Just enjoy your peace.
          
          We'll see each other when the time comes. 
          
          Love: Mhel
          
          
          P.S. Maam, i'll introduce you to my current boys, Xiao Zhan and Wang Yibo. 
          
          
          
          Dito na lang kita ihahatid kasi mas komportable ako dito kesa sa facebook. 
          https://www.wattpad.com/story/259130143

Morning today, Wednesday May 12, 2021, my former boss died. Her death shocked me and is a great loss for me.
          
          When i'm still working with her, she's the one helping me with chinese language (though I can't barely memorize her teaching). 
          
          When Shangyin:Addicted Heroin got banned in china, I pestered her about it knowing she's been working as a company president there for 30+ years. She patiently answered all my whys, hows, whens and whatnots.
          
          She knows about my obsession with Chinese songs and Chinese bromance and boy's love plot novels. Sadly we never had the chance to see each other again since December 2019, since this pandemic began.
          
          To you maam Letty Guiad,
          
          I'm sorry I haven't talk to you since then. 
          
          I'm sorry for leaving you hanging.
          
          I'm sorry for everything.
          
          But you're my best leader and boss despite our misunderstandings.
          
          I had appreciated your every lectures and scoldings despite being indifferent about it.
          
          May you rest in peace. Don't bother about us anymore we can manage. Just enjoy your peace.
          
          We'll see each other when the time comes. 
          
          Love: Mhel
          
          
          P.S. Maam, i'll introduce you to my current boys, Xiao Zhan and Wang Yibo. 
          
          
          
          Dito na lang kita ihahatid kasi mas komportable ako dito kesa sa facebook. 
          https://www.wattpad.com/story/259130143