A Nobody

sometimes i wish i had honestly died that day… it would have saved my family so much time snd space and energy… maybe theyd finally feel like i was worth something… shavahn wouldnt have to deal with me… and here i am up at 9 am, didnt sleep, thinking if im even worth the breath i take today…

was i honestly treated that badly… i dont feel like it was bad enough to mess me up… im just stupid… lots of parents treat their kids that way… kids are… mean, im sure others have had it much worse than a few years of minor abuse… a few years of pretty painless neglect from parents… being the maid and the only one to ever cause issues… the only kid who tried to commit suicide multiple times just for my parents to use it against me the next time i got depressed like it was all my fault i didnt want to live anymore to the point i tried so hard to do it and yet still failed… and not once… ever was i asked if i was okay… the first thing she did was scream in my face for trying to kill myself in her house… and my brother’s disappointment in my inability to want to live… just for my dad to take me back and hate my soul for thinking no one loves me when they never showed it unless it was convenient… so i tried my best and still i was a failure so now i just think im a failure with no future and no one could honestly love me because if so many people blame me for my life going to shit… it has to be me… everyone can handle a few years of abuse at school and bitchy parents… most people deal with those issues through out life. im no different so i need to man the fuck up and fix myself…

ill go watch john’s videos now… maybe recover from my episode enough to sleep… part of me hopes you see this mi amor… so i dont have to explain… but part of me hopes you dont so you dont have to deal with it… i know youd never tell me its not worth it or to tell me it wasnt even sexual assault… but im still scared you would… if you do see this shit… im sorry…
          
          i havent been crying and freaking out for over an hour and twitching and curling into a ball in pure fucking fear… i feel impure… poisoned… used… maybe im just a thing for people to use and abuse and then throw away… feels like it… goodnight

sometimes i think i should have never told anyone… kept it all a secret… maybe if i kept it a secret no one would tell me into untrue… that it isnt enough to even try for… to ignore it… it wasnt rape… so its not worth trying to get her away from me… he never actually touched me so why would it be able to cause trauma… why would it be able to harm me… i didnt succeed in suicide so im just an attention whore who would dare accuse someone of assault… im not worth it… i never was… 

should i even tell them… probably not…

he messed me up so bad… a stupid fucking boy screwed me up… he’s never even touched me and yet i feel like he’s touching me… i feel so gross… i feel disgusting… i feel like i do when i get memories of her… she did touch me… i shouldnt get the same feeling just because he said things… i shouldnt even have ptsd… i dont get to have trauma… i was a kid… so were they… they both cant take advantage of me if they also young… its not like anyone believes me anyways… its not like anyone would ever believe me… its not even rape… no one seemed to care if it was still sexual assault… its not as important… no one believes i was taken advantage of… pushed into a state where i couldn’t protect myself… i want to stab and cut every place i still feel their touch… i feel dirty… i dont deserve to be here… im pathetic…

maybe ill get lucky... if i can hurt myself badly enough to scare myself to do everything they ask to a T... ill never disobey... in pure fear of what ill do to myself... itd be more affective if i tell my dad to hit me... but i doubt he'll listen... it worked for mom quite well... why wouldn't it work for him... i leave soon... he might as well break me into an obedient rat before i go so i never break any rules or take breaks... i might just go take that walk... ill make sure i bring no shoes... itll make the punishment worse... but we all know i deserve it... for now ill stick to punching as hard as i can... hopefully itll stick in my head to shut the fuck up... no more going upstairs to hang with micheal... you fucking idiot... you really thought you were worth a damn... the fuck is wrong with you... i hope you never speak again... you might as well grab a piece of that glass too... at least those scars stay forever to remind you how worthless you are... maybe you shouldnt take the cat... she'd be better with someone... better...

i really shouldnt be alive anymore... everything is running through my head on repeat... i-i should end it... get their failures out the window before they can... they get the satisfaction of calling me a girl and putting my deadname on my tombstone... a-and gray... he gets to replace me... who gives a flying fuck if your dads hurtful words are in your head, shut the fuck up and get over it, stop trying to see if you can convince yourself to ask for help, you never do... the only reason you eat or drink anything is because youre terrified to throw up... stop even trying to drag him into your shit... its not his problem, dont let him deal with it. terror or not, get the fuck over yourself and stop almost telling him you cant say it, coward

i have this nagging urge to be extremely self destructive... to go read what HE said about me... because it terrifies me... that people will think that .. i couldnt live with myself... im not that... that disgusting thing... i-im not... and it scares me to the point i want to hurt myself... its why im so fucking self conscious... yet here i am... 18, covered in a dinosaur blanket and hugging my comfort stuffed animal to my chest... how childish is that? hell, i can barely fucking eat, i can barely sleep... im too terrified to leave my room... how pathetic...

read it, he isnt doing well, he hates himself, grayson you need to read all of this, he feels awful, but he cant tell you, its, quite a lot, just a warning but read it before he decides he isnt worth it anymore- Jeremy