oh dear, although I can’t understand what you must be going through on a personal level. I think the best course of action (take my words with a grain of salt because I’m no professional) is to get therapy if you can, and if not find some friends who you can trust, and feel safe around to work something out. I don’t know what you’re going through, and can only blindly guess, but I do know that this won’t be forever, and someday in the future things will get so much better. For now, at least consider my suggestions, and I really hope you have a safe place to go to.