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"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

"Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent."

It was a woman who drove me to drink and I never got the chance to thank her.

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

Don't knock the weather; 90% of the human population couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while.

My favorite poem is the one that starts "Thirty days have September" because it actually tells you something.

Don't follow in my footsteps, because I run into a lot of walls.

Don't talk about yourself so much... we'll do that when you leave.

If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

Never say "OOPS!" always say "Ah, Interesting!"