Yukina_Suzuki

Hey man, I don't know if you remember me or if you're even online here anymore. if you do, and you are, please try to get in touch with me again.

Sup man. I checked out the latest chapter on your sister's book and the writing has improved. Tell her to keep at it, as it will keep improving. Remember, writing is just like any other thing in life. The more you do it, the likelier it is that you will get better at it. 
          
          Also, this might be something out of the blue, but would you be interested in proofreading for me? This includes the fanfictions and the original book that I am writing.

Good evening (or at least, it's evening for me.)! I checked out the story, and the following are my thoughts-
          
          First, I will give credit where it is due-
          1)It is a rather cool concept and doesn't seem to have a lot of cliches in it, which I like.
          2) A polycule? That's interesting and would be very fun to read when flushed out nicely.
          
          The following are what I think can be improved. Now, keep in mind that I understand that your sister is a new writer. These are not supposed to be criticisms,  just points to be improved on, which is something that will come only with practice and more writing-
          1) The story feels very rushed. The characters are hopping from one place to another, and there is not much description.
          2) The characters don't seem to know each other very well. Like, Percy is dating Annabeth. He should know whether or not she wears makeup.
          3) The characters are very ooc. This is something a lot of newer writers mess up. I  get it, it's fanfiction, and you have creative liberty, but I've seen writers make characters so ooc that they're not the same characters. Case in point- Percy tries to get Will out of the way when Annabeth faints. Yes, this happens in TLO to Jake Mason, but Percy knows that Will is their best healer, and knows not to interfere with his work.
          
          
          Thank you for reading this message and I hope you convey this to your sister. Remember, I am not criticizing, just helping out a fellow author.
          
          Yours Truly.
          MarsmUltor