Sophie Metropolis

And just like that, it's the last month of the year. People's been posting about their wraps or recaps of the year, may it be their music or dating wraps. This year my dating wrap is nil, even crushes did not happen. I try to recall if I ate grapes under the table last new year because if I did then I think it worked the opposite, literally no one has come my way, even to make me feel excited about a short term. But to be fair, I had a good year of sleep, aside from my trip to the Philippines in March that gave me days of headache, and my earache series, I think the year has been a good sleep year. Healthwise, aside from the two I already mentioned, I think I am okay, got my blood work done, gained 3 kgs or even more now, and then my skin improved. I even had a random dermatology consultation, which I was diagnosed of a recessed chin that needs a filler, she complimented my lips but then back it up with pointing out my insecurities but no to worry, I ain't getting a filler. So, for now, there's nothing more I can do to turn this year into a spectacular one, no relationship, no date, and I don't think I have to. I have quietly quit on it. I still hope to experience a love like others get to enjoy but with what I have, I should be grateful already. This month, I won't have time to think much about it anyway, I am fulltime at work, and then I have a trip to look forward to. All my energy will be put towards the trip and then facing my relatives, and of course the question of marriage and boyfriends would come in but I have would just ignore it. I have ignored it for so long, another day or weeks would not make any difference. 
          I'm grateful, November is over, and it's almost the Christmas season, the weather may be crap but I am hoping that I will be out here soon and then, enjoy the beaches and the warm weather again. Wish me luck!

I am prompt this month. It's also because the 1st of the month falls on a Saturday. I had a call with my mother. I am glad that she doesn't ask money from me but does drop hints that she needs it for the titling of all these lands. She mentioned about one land finishing its lease 11 years from now and she counted how old she would have by then, or that maybe she's no longer here, and I grew silent. It's a reality that we all have to face at some point but not yet. I haven't told her of the trip that I am planning to this beatiful tourist island destination in the Philippines, I want to surprise her but I also might be surprised at how it could desperately affect my savings. Laetely, for the past 3 months, based on my spending trends, I am gushing out with expenses. Of course, the plane tickets, my polynucleotide injections, random purchases, and then I got a ticket for Westlife concerts, all these crap are piling up and I am only evening it out with my income. Yes, I still have my savings, untouched and investments slightly growing but I have to admit, since I changed jobs I don't have much extra going in. I would get a payrise this month, hopefully, and maybe that could help me a little bit but I do not want this scarcity mindset. At 30, I should be free and secure. Yet, I do not have my pension sorted or any property under my name. Anyway, aside from my financial woes, I am also worried that I could not find a way to get out of the rut of being stationary. But that will be a long story to write. For now, I will focus on what I am grateful for. First, the world is healing, I do not know, I just feel like we are so much better people than in the past, I have been watching this period drama, and I think it impacts the way I see the modern world. Second is my skin, I felt like my skin had a flare-up for a week because of a new moisturiser, but then I recovered in just a week. Third, I am here doing still the things I love, writing, even when it is all nonsense.

Officially Autumn season. I'm grateful for surviving whatever the past few months had given me, from my ear pain, which I still have problems with but the pain has now gone, touchwood. Also, to keep up with a clean room because of my anxiety over how the plumber would find my room. My sink is now fixed and as an adult, that is like getting a life upgrade. 
          I have been spending so much money that just leads to nowhere, especially with my skin, thousands has been spent already this year, although it is better compared how it was this time of the month last year, I wish I could say that all the money spent has been worth it. It's not. 
          Anyway, my petty worries aside, my grandfather died, days away shy from my grandmother's first death anniversary. They are not the best couple in history but they lived and gave way to me, and even if they were only peasant farmers who never had proper education, they weren't that bad at all. And, I can say that they were actually nice to me, my earliest memory of them was letting me feed their chickens, and then letting me borrow the bike. They're gone now, joined with 3 of their children who had died before them, one of which is my father. Life is just like that, we all would go, and as I write this, people are going. 
          What a sad start of the month, death and it's memories of grieving. 
          There's nothing to look forward to except my going back home in a matter of 2 months. Of ourse, there will be parties and the fair this month but nothing beats a holiday at home even when I am pressured to buy a piece of land that will solve all of their problems and then add to mine.  I don't have the money for it to be honest, I calculated all my savings and if I will buy it, I would not have left for myself. It would not have been a problem really if I have money, I would have bought it straightaway. 
          So, yeah, despite of my savings dwindling, I am still spending on a bunch of stuff. The economy is just bad and I cannot do anything about it.

My profile showed that I joined Wattpad September of 2014, which means this month I am celebrating my 11 years on this platform. I remember sneaking out to my sister's room to get her phone and log into this app to read books. Back then I was too poor to buy a book or a phone or a laptop, but I had so much time to read. It's the opposite now, I have the means to buy all those things but I have no time to use them. Reading had been my escape back then, it is still my escape now but I don't mind facing reality now that I am older. It was back then when life was hard that I needed a third space where I could zone out, and live someone else's life through books. The world has been a better place for me, I can say that, but I still have a long way to go and I know that it's a cycle of ups and downs and maybe I am at the beginning of my downhill now. I'm recently in pain because of my ear and I have been wondering if it's only my ear or is there a greater problem to be discovered beneath it. It's a never-perfect progression, I always say to myself, after I would resolve one problem, another one comes my way again, I am just glad it's not bombarding me, it's taking it's turn. One by one, day by day, slowly and then bam... 
          Last month was over and done with, I did so much last month and it could be judged based on my bank account. This month is going to be a work month but I am also waiting for one thing, and that's my US application. I am worried of what might come this month, it is a make-or-break thing. But I always say, I am ready to go. I am ready to start the process again, and take this journey farther than I can imagine. I have closed the doors for men, although I like to walk on the other side of the road recently because there are 2 tall doctors walking to work on that side. Funny, I just realise they never bothered to cross but I did. Maybe I should not do it anymore, it was only for fun to spice up the start of my day. That is all for now, see you in October.

July came, showed, and left just like that. I am not complaining that I have nothing to write because it means nothing bad really happened. 
          Or maybe something is happening I just don't know it yet. In my world right now there are only few things going on, my eating, my sleeping, and my work. In between, I buy some stuff to keep me happy but then I wonder if I should have just saved that money for my future. 
          I have listened to a book entitled "Die with Zero" and it was trying to change me to get all life experiences, if that is easy I would have booked a trip to a safari right now. But the logistics are not in my favor, I have no on to go with, the last person I went out with got pregnant and that was it, one trip to Europe and she can't travel anymore, life's disappointing because why can't I have my mother or my sister or brother go on a trip with me, why does it only have to be me that could afford all this, and why can't I afford to bring on an international trip with me. 
          Okay, the rant is over, I need to keep positive for August, last month that the weather would not be hoepfully to bad and were back on nearing winter. I used to like winter but honestly, I am tired of extreme temperatures. 
          I have asked my manager  a leave for December because I am going home, last years New Year was very lonely, I would bet and pay for that hefty ticket to just go home. It's not the best home, considering that they think I would spend everything when I go home but what can we do? 
          It's better that we are the one giving instead of the one begging. 
          Also, why am I feeling that my mother thinks I am responsible of giving money to my brothers? I've told her my sister already owed my money and then another sibling is asking, and another. I went away to get away from all these toxic vibes because I have seen it growing up, and then it is the same. 
          I would go home and hopefully we all could have better lives by then, in a matter of four months. Be positive.

Hi Sophie,
          I'm new to Wattpad and I wrote something, I'm a fanfiction writer and I'd appreciate it if you gave it a read:
          
          https://www.wattpad.com/story/396390701?utm_source=android&utm_medium=link&utm_content=story_info&wp_page=story_details_button&wp_uname=YKFantasyDream 

Not a busy last month, I was mostly at work and in between life happens which includes household chores and then sleep. Today I woke up with a thought I should take up running just because I bought an Apple Watch. I only have 3 days to be for myself and I think being employed is waht stopping me from living, or maybe I should add one more day off to pursue my extra curriculars. I realise that when I was in school I never actually had curriculars but I focused on my academics and aced good grades. Now that i am an adult and not in school, I do not think I have to focus on my job only because to be fair, there's no medals or recognition day on that place, only more jobs when you advance. I look at one of my seniors, and I do not want to do what she does, I am okay where I am, and if that is where I am advancing, I am not having it. Well, if there will be any progress in my US applications, I really do not need to worry about that because I may be gone already from that place by the time it happens.  Going to my US shenanigans, I have this epiphany that maybe I really am meant to be there because I could not imagine anyhow my future life in this English land. When I think of the US, I think of learning how to drive again, getting a car, and an apartment or a house, and then seriously dating, and then having kid, or freezing my eggs. It's not that I can't do any of those here in the UK, it's just that it's much harder to get them all done with the financial aspect and the career progression. 
          So, while I am here all I am thinking is how to survive missing home, how to cook this or that, what to do with my health, what cheap hobby to have, and all side projects that do not require me to commit. 
          Even a relationship is bleak, I hope American men are more forward and not too polite as British men. Anyhow, I cannot think of that right now, I am starting July with the goal of becoming better in health and spirit  (I bought a Bible journal just to prove it). 
          So, here we are.

The 1st of June, and I was welcomed with a task of getting likes for my niece who's joining a beauty pageant. It's funny how these are kids we used to take care of, well they are still kids. It makes me think about me getting older again. Sorry, but this post is about me and not others, so I always think about myself. Getting older, I see myself having wrinkles, getting puffy eyelids in th morning which makes me wonder if I have a kidney problem, and having less hours of sleep. I feel like I have no time left, yet I do not know what to do with the time I have. Lately, I have so much I wanted to buy, a camera, a bag, shoes, clothes, books, and many other non-essential things. I keep on reminding myself that I work 4 days in a week, and the rest of the days is spent recovering from work and preparing for work. There's no time to actually pursue a new hobby or to go out and parade that new clothing, or that hairstyle. I have 10 hours in the workplace and when I get home, I prepped for my early bed and watch few episodes of Desperate housewives because I need to finish the series before my subscription ends. I'm in a situation where I try to be grateful of what I have but find it difficult to find the way out of the rat hole. I try to enjoy my job by talking non-sense stuff with my patients, thinking about flirting stories when I see a male co-worker, and having a random girl talk with my co-worker but most days, I'd like to sit quiet in a room and not answer to any demand, and be lost in my own world. I would wish to be on a holiday again, see the kids at home, and just be tired of walking in a different place. 
          Maybe I am bored, and I do not even think of getting a boyfriend anymore; the novelty has worn off. I do not want to look pretty in the workplace anymore just normal and decent. The thought that this was the year I would glow up remained a thought. I was reminded of that when I video call my sister and she mentioned how bad my acne is. I am a hermit this summer

I am early this time. In a month of living, there's nothing has changed, and I have nothing to talk about. Physically, I am okay. I am glad that my skin is healing, it's not good but it is not worse either, and my weight, I think I am still okay with it. Mentally, I am writing this, so it's a start. Spiritually, I am back on the Bible, and not been going to mass but I just went during Easter Sunday. Emotionally, I am trying to hold it all together because I still have something to look forward to. And that something has been going on for almost 2 years now, it's my going to the US, I am so bored here in the UK, there I have to admit it. I am not going out, the new people I have met in my workplace, they are going to be my co-workers only, and nothing more, I see that now because I have been there for almost a year, and there's no point in meeting new guys. This is a rant but at least I still have time to do this because honestly, I do not like the idea that I am not happy. 
          I know what will make me happy, a companion, a partner, a boyfriend, heck even a pet could make me happy right now but no, all I could get is a plant in this place. 
          If I look into the bright side, the weather is actually good nowadays and there are so many good things to buy in the internet, and then I always come up with an excuse that, "Hey, you are not even going out, so you actually do not need that perfume." Or "Hey you do not even walk outside, so maybe you do not actually need another pair of shoes." 
          Whatever life throws at me this month, I do not give a damn about it. 
          The only thing I am looking forward to every weekend is my grocery run, it's so lame but I am even going to sleep early tonight so I can go out and do it tomorrow. 
          And then, work again, which this time is starting to annoy me. It is easier now but I learn not so good tricks that makes me feel uneasy because what if people thinks that I have been avoiding difficult cases. Well, that's my life, boring but still trying.

It really looks like I had a busy month of March that I have forgotten to have an entry here. I thought I had written last month but here we are in the month of April. So, it was a good month, my trip back home, my birthday, meeting new family members, and having new experiences. 
          It was a great month, and yes, I am still single, not dating, not even texting anyone. Where I am heading with this situation of mine, I do not know. I have been trying to shoot my shot with men but the closest thing I could do is smile. 
          I am smart but when it comes to this thing I feel dumb and hopeless. I should have realised that the moment I was under the table eating grapes on the first second of this year. 
          I've been watching Desperate Housewives and I am enjoying it. I even look forward going home just because of it. It's normal to feel that way. It's like being a teenager again when there's a new episode of Vampire diaries my friend had downloaded. 
          I need to sleep now, there's nothing much going on, I have problems here and there but the major problem I really am facing right now is knowing what I want in my adult life. I am 30 now, it is weird that I am that old and had never been in a relationship. It's crazy that it reached this point. I don't think about it all the time but it crosses my mind more frequently these days. 
          Maybe I just need a new travel plan or be excited for a new crush. 
          There's hope and also it's spring now, so maybe just maybe.