Sophie Metropolis

The dreaded month of love has come. Remembering my yearly yearning for a relationship when I was in college. It's great that January is over because it was a long month but the first half of February is all about love. When you go to the shops chocolates are on sale and then flowers and what else...couples on dates. The other half of this month should be great because I am heading home. I feel that I kind of scheduled it wrong, my sister would be home a week before that, and then, a  few weeks after it would be the birthday of my other sister, and I missed all of it because I was going home in between. 
          Maybe it is a good thing. The only plan that I have is to celebrate my days there with my mother, hopefully, I could give her a few days away from home, and then we could do some shopping. We have done it before but during that time I was a bit short of money, maybe I could try to relax more when it comes to expenses. 
          In 3 weeks, I will be flying back home, it's terrifying, especially the thought of missing the flight. Everything could go wrong all at the same time you know? 
          I think I am done here for now, I have nothing to talk about because it has all been work and talking at work. There are no updates when it comes to my love story. I am still hoping that the grape god has not forgotten that I was under the table at 12 midnight this year. There might be some prospects but it could also be my delusion because my co-workers now know that I am single, so maybe they can work their way to find me, someone. The problem is even if I know I want to have a boyfriend, I still am not sure if it is the best decision, especially since I have a US application, and that I want to go there this year. My friend messaged me this morning saying that she had dreamt of me going to the states this year, and I hope her dreams could come true. 
          Well, I will enjoy the rest of the 27 days of this month as I count down to the last days of my 20's. It's always been nice writing here.

Hello 2025! 
          Too excited to write for my monthly check -in. This is great, I am reading back my previous posts and it just reflects how far I have been in life, yet I am still the same. I have written journals today, and no matter how much I write it won't change anything in my current situation. 
          So, in hopes and prayers, I rely. There's no one out there for me, I know. Even if I go out, to the grocery store, ride a train to go someplace, or stay in a cafe, I know there is not a soul that would come to me and make all the fantasies come. 
          The chances of me getting run over by a car is higher than being approached by a man who's decent enough. If I go to a dating app I might actually meet someone by accident, not in this location. 
          The beginning of this year, I have been focusing my energy on finding that someone. It's insane, it should not be this way. I should focus more in my upcoming trips, what kind of purchases I would have this year, and what kind of hairstyle I'll be rocking. That should be my goal. 
          Yet, here we are because they were right, I have experienced how it is to be alone, and lonely at some point, and it's not good for my soul, and my soul yearns for it but every single time it comes around it feels wrong, there is always a hindrance. I am always late for the game, and it's wrong to wish people to break up their relationships just so I could have a chance. The good ones are all locked up as they should be, so I am lowering my standards because the truth is that I am not really that pretty or hot enough to be aiming that high. It's a sad realisation, kind of hard to accept when you have been delusional for a long time.
          It's no easy navigating this part of life, my greatest challenge yet. It's funny, this never occurred to me when I was younger. I remember imagining that it will be easy for me because I am a girl and lo and behold, I am wrong again. 
          Anyway, I am still grateful. The waiting has been long, i want a new exciting story to tell.

It's the first of December. I had 4 days off, and it's my 3rd day, I am staying inside the house and haven't even opened the window for today, not even the opened curtains. I am acting depressed, maybe I am but I have no reason to be. My heart is full, and even when I miss my mother, I got to call her yesterday for 2 hours and I think she's well. I just think of booking that ticket to remind myself not to be sad. There's a chance that I might be choosing a cheaper flight than what I had planned before. I realize that I am a cheap person, I have money, I keep looking at my accounts, and I can afford a business-class ticket, my savings are okay, and I have investments in stocks that are not doing too bad. Yet, yes, I am still cheap. I barely leave the house because once you step outside, that means minus pounds in what I have. There's nothing free in here, maybe walking is but yeah, all is expensive. The sad part of all of this is knowing that my salary is fixed now, I finally get to see what my salary looks like, the basic. I was earning more when I was in my previous unit because of the night shifts and weekends that I did. I'd be honest with you, I don't like weekends off, the washers are always full, there are many people in shopping centers, and I constantly feel that I am missing out, that I should go out. 
          Anyway, I am not going to discuss any more of my misery or my financial situation. I am here to tell you that this is my last entry for this year and I will write to you again in the next year. It's 2025! I have high hopes, I always have. I am looking forward for next year, I have done great in living alone this year, I traveled a little, and made new friends, and the highlight of it all is that I got to change jobs. 
          I still have 30 days left in 2024, who knows what will happen? Maybe, I would finally meet the love of my life. Sorry, I just watched "The Holiday" so this is why I'm feeling hopeful.

A month has gone by and I am at the point where I am starting to understand that in the great scheme of things my job does not matter. I mean anyone can do my job with just proper training, I don't know if I had proper training. I had explained a bit to my mother what is my new job and she was happy about it, although, I might have to explain it again to her. If there is something that worries me about her is that even if she's physically healthy her memory and mind might not be, I remember her mentioning how her father acted like a child when he was in his last years, and I think dementia runs in the family. Anyway, I won't focus on that because there's nothing I can do about it. 
          I am thinking recently of so many things that I want to write, like the book I am reading, what I want to buy, where I am planning to go next, what's going on with my passive search for "the one", and of course my acne. But none of these things matter really. I have found comfort these days with the darkness, I am grateful for having naps and still getting 8 hours of sleep, I wake up feeling pretty and not with a headache, thanks to my new job schedule. 
          It's also comforting to know that I have survived 3 years of working here in the UK, and in Hull! Yes, in 4 days time, I can finally say that I have lived abroad for 3 years. It's lonely but it's okay. I had learned so much and saved a little. I still have so many things to learn and to do but leave them be I always try to say that I am ahead of my time, and even if I am behind my peers when it comes to relationships or having babies, if I want to I still could make it. It could be a great plot twist, it would shock everyone. 
          For now, it's fine and okay. The Christmas blues might catch up on me later but then I have an entire month to enjoy and not think about it. 
          Christmas season is upon us, and I am excited about my first work Christmas party, I feel like a child thinking about it, especially what I would wear. Cheers!

I started my new job, and I know being new is not new to me, it still feels like I am stressed out. Is it really that hard to work as a clinic nurse? I wanted to tell myself that I literally had done clinic nursing for days without training, just turned up on the building on that day, and sat in that little clinic oblivious to what actually would happen. 
          Now, I am sitting mostly watching and listening with my preceptor and then participating in one or two things. I am happy to be not physically exhausted but it turns out that all jobs are just exhausting, maybe it's not the job but maybe it is that I am not well enough to be working. 
          I hate to say that I have flare up in my acne, I have trouble with my sleep at times and I am still watching how my bowels are not very consistent. 
          I complain a lot. I know because on the other side of the coin, there's me who's actually working on a job that's 5 minutes away from the workplace. I have a house that shelters me, I have money for food, and my groceries can be delivered. I am living in a place where it is convenient, and I have no excuse to be lazy. 
          I wonder though how October would turn out because last year this month, I had trips, and it was fun. I do not expect to be enjoying this month even though I think I should because I am in my blonde girl era. I feel like I am missing out on opportunities to show my Sabrina Carpenter version. I like being blonde, it didn't make any difference, I still feel ugly, but it's ugly but blonde. I've been reminding myself constantly to be kinder to myself and never mention to myself that I look awful and that my skin is at its awfullest point, yet here we are again. 
          I'll write again next month about whether things are still the same, or not. 
          I'm just so worn out with all these new things happening, i want to have a vacation, I want to be with my mother, and I also want to have more money to celebrate life. I can't do any of that without a job that pays me. So, I have to be good.

Got a ton of things to do but I decided to write instead. It's half of the month and it's kind of late to log in on my monthly journal here. I had a somehow busy life but really I just don't have the drive to open my Macbook and start writing. I have so many abandoned projects, like my Medium writing, my book podcast, and the sorting out of my leave. I have, so many plans, and i barely can keep up with my daily routine. I just finished 2 weeks of working nights and even if it has been a not so busy shift, staying awake during nights and barely sleeping during the days are horrible. 
          I wanted to cope so bad, like get my room cleaned, do my skin care routine religiously, get god meals cooked but it's been just me bed rotting, scrolling on tiktok, and reading a book. 
          Yes, reading a book is not a bad hobby but still I am an adult and have to keep up more. Why do I beat myself on this? The fact that i am living should be enough. My parents should be proud that I am living alone and not depending on anyone to feed me or sort my stuff out. I've been lucky these past few days because even when it's been hard on my emotions dealing with heartbreak after heartbreak from all my crushes that's not reciprocating the feeling, and worse, them being in love to pretty blondes, I am still okayish. I have friends who contact me, I have renewed my visa, and I am getting a new job. On top of that i have an annual leave that starts tomorrow. 
          I have a busy schedule this week but it's just mostly errands. I have deliveries coming, and I am planning to book a short day trip to another city. It's also exciting knowing that my US application might progress this year. No one knows when it would happen, I was ready for it to be delayed in the next 2 years because then I could travel a bit more to European countries. However, the money I had spent for my application is no joke and I do not want to waste that. 
          Will see how this month ends, it's autumn, my favorite season, so let's enjoy.

Another month, another drama here. I have been recently highly infatuated with this guy from work and all of my journals, most of my tweets, and the songs that I have been singing are all about him. 
          The reality? He doesn't even know I exist, maybe he knew but he probably doesn't know my name. Yet, I know his name, his girlfriend's name, when and where he graduated, that he is a team captain of the basketball team, I know his penmanship, and I know the sound of his voice even behind the doors or curtains. That is the level of infatuation we are in. It's borderline psychotic and I am in the midst of a prayer vigil just to get over him, yet here I am writing about this feeling all over again. 
          I keep on reminding myself how this went out of hand. I mean, I can't remember falling in love with him. Maybe that eye contact. Maybe when I leaned slightly on the chair that he was sitting. I just knew one day, I was on my way to Iceland and I keep on seeing him in the faces of men. And, I remember that scene in Minions movie, when the girl fell in love with Gru and everyone looks like Gru on her flight. 
          It's madness. But sometimes, it's nice having him around because I don't get too absorbed in my work stress. 
          I think I am just trying to shake off some of my work stress and my mind tries to wander for distraction. This story has been going on for half a year I guess. But this has to end and it will end because I am leaving soon the ward, 6 more weeks but who's counting? I am. 
          When I would not get to see him again then I would surely forget him, maybe not forget him but the feeling would fade just like what I had with the crushes that I had in different phases in my life. I remember them if I wanted to but I do not feel the same as I do when I was around them. 
          So that was my July, having thoughts of men. I am still struggling with the fact that I have to accept I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. 
          Even when logistically it is where my life is projected.

In my last post, I read about how nothing had happened for May. And nothing, also really happened in June but just today, at the beginning of July, I received an email about a job offer that I had applied for in April. 
          It's crazy how things just turn out to be. I had cried when I got rejected for that position, and then, I was grateful that I did stay in my job because I was thinking it was still the best ward in the entire hospital, and that I was not actually that anxious when I was going to work. But then, just the previous night, I literally was dreaming about work, and I had to google at 3 am what was a normal lab value, and if I had given the right medication. 
          I have delayed for a couple of hours replying to the message of accepting it but I realize I might let this opportunity slip away, and I would suffer working rotating days and nights for the next months of my life. 
          I have given up my hopes of going to the USA this year, and I am not excited about going there if I am being honest with myself. 
          Moving to another country alone and working in a hospital ward again is not appealing even when the salary is 3x what I am earning now. 
          Of course, there is still a chance to leave the UK but I am going to gamble this one and see how it goes. 
          My decisions in life are all crazy anyhow, so might as well go full mode and regret it at some point. It's not much big of a deal if I have to think of it because what do I have to consider, I am not packing stuff, I don't have to explain to anyone why I am leaving, I do not need the extra money for the same job, what I want to have right now, is probably a boyfriend, a partner, or a husband. I think that's what I need and then settle down, and go suffer for the next half of my life, or a quarter, if I am lucky to live that long. 
          This month, I will have to confront life-changing things and I think the exciting part is about to begin. Hooray!

Monthly check-in about how life's going. 
          
          But what if there's nothing that happened at all? What am I going to write about? The book that I have read? The work that I do? Or the daily washing of dishes I face?
          Or maybe I should write about my daily battle against my acne? 
          
          If there is anything that happened in May, is that I have been a background in many people's lives. Maybe in the lives of my pt. or my co-worker, but I have never been the main character last month, that I know. 
          
          It's okay. In my delusional world, I am. I always say that I am working on myself but as I look at my pictures from the time I bought this Macbook, I realize, I never worked that hard to improve myself, especially my looks. 
          I get a hair makeover from time to time but I cannot sustain it for long because my natural wavy and frizzy black hair would show eventually. 
          My face still has the same red marks, and even with more acne. There's nothing I have done for my teeth as well. When I say I have been working on myself, I do not know what I mean by that because clearly there were no results. 
          If I truly cared about how I looked, I would make an effort and sacrifice my money. Not gamble it in trading, hoping that I'll get rich. 
          It's a whole life that I had to live and yet, it's as if I had quit already halfway. There was a time when I was relentless when I walked to a place not knowing anyone but ready to hand in my resume, I used to be like that. I walked into places not knowing but ready to face everything. Now, I can't even bring myself outside to buy burger patties and rather would settle with a burger without meat than stepping out. 
          Calling my family is a task, and even talking to friends seems not easy. 
          June should be better but I looked into my work schedule and there's no way it is going to be easy. When I failed to get the job I applied for, I knew that I need to suck up the schedule given to me, or call in sick. 
          Anyhow, I am still well, and for that I am grateful.

I was just on a call with my family, and how much things have changed since I was a kid. There are more in-laws, and more kids, and I haven't changed I guess. I am happy just being in the background, not contributing to the conversations. Because, you know what? I know how it is to have heavy conversations, I know how breaking it is to talk about real stuff, and for now, there is nothing, and I am happy. 
          There's no talk about serious things and it's all what I am thankful for. 
          Even when what had happened to me recently almost broke me, I am glad they have no idea about it. I am happy they do not worry about how I am doing, I don't want them to. 
          I want them to assume that life is okay, that one day I will come back home well, happy, and maybe even wealthier. In my delusional world, everything is okay. It breaks me to imagine myself going home unwell because I know it is a possibility. 
          
          I am glad this is all I have to say now. I am waiting for the visa bulletin for the US like my life depends on it because it does. 
          I have so many plans but I am stuck, and I just realize, nothing really would go on if it is not yet the time. No matter how much you rush, you'll still be stuck in something if it's not for you. I was at this point before, and I let it stop my life. I hope it does not happen again. 
          
          I wish I could go on and be happy still, live still, for every day. 
          I understand that my work has just been getting heavy lately for my body but the girl has to be strong because I realize that my money is at a very median range. Glad I could still pay my bills and have extra to save but I feel sad that I am not capable of having the option of buying a house, or going on a vacation anytime, or not hesitating to book that business class trip. 
          It's the beginning of spring and my last spring of being in my twenties but I have said before I am done. I had to start accepting the fat of a lonely ugly girl, living alone. I would focus on my health, sleep, and hobbies. T.Y.