Sophie Metropolis

A month has gone by and I am at the point where I am starting to understand that in the great scheme of things my job does not matter. I mean anyone can do my job with just proper training, I don't know if I had proper training. I had explained a bit to my mother what is my new job and she was happy about it, although, I might have to explain it again to her. If there is something that worries me about her is that even if she's physically healthy her memory and mind might not be, I remember her mentioning how her father acted like a child when he was in his last years, and I think dementia runs in the family. Anyway, I won't focus on that because there's nothing I can do about it. 
          I am thinking recently of so many things that I want to write, like the book I am reading, what I want to buy, where I am planning to go next, what's going on with my passive search for "the one", and of course my acne. But none of these things matter really. I have found comfort these days with the darkness, I am grateful for having naps and still getting 8 hours of sleep, I wake up feeling pretty and not with a headache, thanks to my new job schedule. 
          It's also comforting to know that I have survived 3 years of working here in the UK, and in Hull! Yes, in 4 days time, I can finally say that I have lived abroad for 3 years. It's lonely but it's okay. I had learned so much and saved a little. I still have so many things to learn and to do but leave them be I always try to say that I am ahead of my time, and even if I am behind my peers when it comes to relationships or having babies, if I want to I still could make it. It could be a great plot twist, it would shock everyone. 
          For now, it's fine and okay. The Christmas blues might catch up on me later but then I have an entire month to enjoy and not think about it. 
          Christmas season is upon us, and I am excited about my first work Christmas party, I feel like a child thinking about it, especially what I would wear. Cheers!

I started my new job, and I know being new is not new to me, it still feels like I am stressed out. Is it really that hard to work as a clinic nurse? I wanted to tell myself that I literally had done clinic nursing for days without training, just turned up on the building on that day, and sat in that little clinic oblivious to what actually would happen. 
          Now, I am sitting mostly watching and listening with my preceptor and then participating in one or two things. I am happy to be not physically exhausted but it turns out that all jobs are just exhausting, maybe it's not the job but maybe it is that I am not well enough to be working. 
          I hate to say that I have flare up in my acne, I have trouble with my sleep at times and I am still watching how my bowels are not very consistent. 
          I complain a lot. I know because on the other side of the coin, there's me who's actually working on a job that's 5 minutes away from the workplace. I have a house that shelters me, I have money for food, and my groceries can be delivered. I am living in a place where it is convenient, and I have no excuse to be lazy. 
          I wonder though how October would turn out because last year this month, I had trips, and it was fun. I do not expect to be enjoying this month even though I think I should because I am in my blonde girl era. I feel like I am missing out on opportunities to show my Sabrina Carpenter version. I like being blonde, it didn't make any difference, I still feel ugly, but it's ugly but blonde. I've been reminding myself constantly to be kinder to myself and never mention to myself that I look awful and that my skin is at its awfullest point, yet here we are again. 
          I'll write again next month about whether things are still the same, or not. 
          I'm just so worn out with all these new things happening, i want to have a vacation, I want to be with my mother, and I also want to have more money to celebrate life. I can't do any of that without a job that pays me. So, I have to be good.

Got a ton of things to do but I decided to write instead. It's half of the month and it's kind of late to log in on my monthly journal here. I had a somehow busy life but really I just don't have the drive to open my Macbook and start writing. I have so many abandoned projects, like my Medium writing, my book podcast, and the sorting out of my leave. I have, so many plans, and i barely can keep up with my daily routine. I just finished 2 weeks of working nights and even if it has been a not so busy shift, staying awake during nights and barely sleeping during the days are horrible. 
          I wanted to cope so bad, like get my room cleaned, do my skin care routine religiously, get god meals cooked but it's been just me bed rotting, scrolling on tiktok, and reading a book. 
          Yes, reading a book is not a bad hobby but still I am an adult and have to keep up more. Why do I beat myself on this? The fact that i am living should be enough. My parents should be proud that I am living alone and not depending on anyone to feed me or sort my stuff out. I've been lucky these past few days because even when it's been hard on my emotions dealing with heartbreak after heartbreak from all my crushes that's not reciprocating the feeling, and worse, them being in love to pretty blondes, I am still okayish. I have friends who contact me, I have renewed my visa, and I am getting a new job. On top of that i have an annual leave that starts tomorrow. 
          I have a busy schedule this week but it's just mostly errands. I have deliveries coming, and I am planning to book a short day trip to another city. It's also exciting knowing that my US application might progress this year. No one knows when it would happen, I was ready for it to be delayed in the next 2 years because then I could travel a bit more to European countries. However, the money I had spent for my application is no joke and I do not want to waste that. 
          Will see how this month ends, it's autumn, my favorite season, so let's enjoy.

Another month, another drama here. I have been recently highly infatuated with this guy from work and all of my journals, most of my tweets, and the songs that I have been singing are all about him. 
          The reality? He doesn't even know I exist, maybe he knew but he probably doesn't know my name. Yet, I know his name, his girlfriend's name, when and where he graduated, that he is a team captain of the basketball team, I know his penmanship, and I know the sound of his voice even behind the doors or curtains. That is the level of infatuation we are in. It's borderline psychotic and I am in the midst of a prayer vigil just to get over him, yet here I am writing about this feeling all over again. 
          I keep on reminding myself how this went out of hand. I mean, I can't remember falling in love with him. Maybe that eye contact. Maybe when I leaned slightly on the chair that he was sitting. I just knew one day, I was on my way to Iceland and I keep on seeing him in the faces of men. And, I remember that scene in Minions movie, when the girl fell in love with Gru and everyone looks like Gru on her flight. 
          It's madness. But sometimes, it's nice having him around because I don't get too absorbed in my work stress. 
          I think I am just trying to shake off some of my work stress and my mind tries to wander for distraction. This story has been going on for half a year I guess. But this has to end and it will end because I am leaving soon the ward, 6 more weeks but who's counting? I am. 
          When I would not get to see him again then I would surely forget him, maybe not forget him but the feeling would fade just like what I had with the crushes that I had in different phases in my life. I remember them if I wanted to but I do not feel the same as I do when I was around them. 
          So that was my July, having thoughts of men. I am still struggling with the fact that I have to accept I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. 
          Even when logistically it is where my life is projected.

In my last post, I read about how nothing had happened for May. And nothing, also really happened in June but just today, at the beginning of July, I received an email about a job offer that I had applied for in April. 
          It's crazy how things just turn out to be. I had cried when I got rejected for that position, and then, I was grateful that I did stay in my job because I was thinking it was still the best ward in the entire hospital, and that I was not actually that anxious when I was going to work. But then, just the previous night, I literally was dreaming about work, and I had to google at 3 am what was a normal lab value, and if I had given the right medication. 
          I have delayed for a couple of hours replying to the message of accepting it but I realize I might let this opportunity slip away, and I would suffer working rotating days and nights for the next months of my life. 
          I have given up my hopes of going to the USA this year, and I am not excited about going there if I am being honest with myself. 
          Moving to another country alone and working in a hospital ward again is not appealing even when the salary is 3x what I am earning now. 
          Of course, there is still a chance to leave the UK but I am going to gamble this one and see how it goes. 
          My decisions in life are all crazy anyhow, so might as well go full mode and regret it at some point. It's not much big of a deal if I have to think of it because what do I have to consider, I am not packing stuff, I don't have to explain to anyone why I am leaving, I do not need the extra money for the same job, what I want to have right now, is probably a boyfriend, a partner, or a husband. I think that's what I need and then settle down, and go suffer for the next half of my life, or a quarter, if I am lucky to live that long. 
          This month, I will have to confront life-changing things and I think the exciting part is about to begin. Hooray!

Monthly check-in about how life's going. 
          
          But what if there's nothing that happened at all? What am I going to write about? The book that I have read? The work that I do? Or the daily washing of dishes I face?
          Or maybe I should write about my daily battle against my acne? 
          
          If there is anything that happened in May, is that I have been a background in many people's lives. Maybe in the lives of my pt. or my co-worker, but I have never been the main character last month, that I know. 
          
          It's okay. In my delusional world, I am. I always say that I am working on myself but as I look at my pictures from the time I bought this Macbook, I realize, I never worked that hard to improve myself, especially my looks. 
          I get a hair makeover from time to time but I cannot sustain it for long because my natural wavy and frizzy black hair would show eventually. 
          My face still has the same red marks, and even with more acne. There's nothing I have done for my teeth as well. When I say I have been working on myself, I do not know what I mean by that because clearly there were no results. 
          If I truly cared about how I looked, I would make an effort and sacrifice my money. Not gamble it in trading, hoping that I'll get rich. 
          It's a whole life that I had to live and yet, it's as if I had quit already halfway. There was a time when I was relentless when I walked to a place not knowing anyone but ready to hand in my resume, I used to be like that. I walked into places not knowing but ready to face everything. Now, I can't even bring myself outside to buy burger patties and rather would settle with a burger without meat than stepping out. 
          Calling my family is a task, and even talking to friends seems not easy. 
          June should be better but I looked into my work schedule and there's no way it is going to be easy. When I failed to get the job I applied for, I knew that I need to suck up the schedule given to me, or call in sick. 
          Anyhow, I am still well, and for that I am grateful.

I was just on a call with my family, and how much things have changed since I was a kid. There are more in-laws, and more kids, and I haven't changed I guess. I am happy just being in the background, not contributing to the conversations. Because, you know what? I know how it is to have heavy conversations, I know how breaking it is to talk about real stuff, and for now, there is nothing, and I am happy. 
          There's no talk about serious things and it's all what I am thankful for. 
          Even when what had happened to me recently almost broke me, I am glad they have no idea about it. I am happy they do not worry about how I am doing, I don't want them to. 
          I want them to assume that life is okay, that one day I will come back home well, happy, and maybe even wealthier. In my delusional world, everything is okay. It breaks me to imagine myself going home unwell because I know it is a possibility. 
          
          I am glad this is all I have to say now. I am waiting for the visa bulletin for the US like my life depends on it because it does. 
          I have so many plans but I am stuck, and I just realize, nothing really would go on if it is not yet the time. No matter how much you rush, you'll still be stuck in something if it's not for you. I was at this point before, and I let it stop my life. I hope it does not happen again. 
          
          I wish I could go on and be happy still, live still, for every day. 
          I understand that my work has just been getting heavy lately for my body but the girl has to be strong because I realize that my money is at a very median range. Glad I could still pay my bills and have extra to save but I feel sad that I am not capable of having the option of buying a house, or going on a vacation anytime, or not hesitating to book that business class trip. 
          It's the beginning of spring and my last spring of being in my twenties but I have said before I am done. I had to start accepting the fat of a lonely ugly girl, living alone. I would focus on my health, sleep, and hobbies. T.Y.

A month has gone by again and I am a month into being 29. I feel like I am putting myself into a countdown for the big 30. It's not something to be giddy about considering the progress that I am making when it comes to my love life. Despite my swearing of not being in a relationship this year, and not giving a damn care about men, I am from time to time slipping from the goal. I still care and sometimes I care too much that I could not stop thinking about someone even when he's just a guy from work who doesn't even see me because he's way too tall. 
          Yeah, my heart got broken a couple of months ago when this guy I have imagined a whole life with has a GF and they are actually renovating their own home. So, I resorted to the next guy available, no he might not be available but at least I do not know if he is so he is enough to feed off my delusions at the moment. The good thing about these guys is that they are never bad-looking. That is the best thing about living in Britain, not having to worry about crushes because they all look good. 
          Anyhow, I haven't reported that I had a wonderful trip to Rome. It was way too surreal, I cried just recalling the moments. I never thought I would fall in love in a city for 3 days of it. I made the 3 wishes on Trevi fountain but I should keep it to myself to make sure it comes true. 
          Recently, I have been working so hard on myself from trying hard to make the most of my astrology readings, and working on my acne-gut thing, to trying to learn more about investing, and just random things to make me happy and better at living. If I don't progress on it, I just don't know what else to do. 
          I still have random problems, like my work shifts and sleeping but so far none major, fingers crossed it remains that way for the rest of the year. 
          When it comes to plans of going home, I have none at the moment. I was about to consider going home before my visa expires, but then I considered the cons, so no for now, maybe early next year?

March, is my dearest birth month. 29 years ago my mother was about to pop me out, and I think she has more reason to celebrate my birthday than I am. I could only imagine the anxiety she had knowing that she tried to abort me and that she was having a baby at the age of 44. I love my mother, probably the reason why I am still trying to hold it together is because I could not imagine her being in sorrow if I decided to cease my life's existence. 
          Anyway, I was happy a few hours ago, dancing and imagining fireworks at my wedding. If there is something I have not lost after all these years, it's my ability to imagine things. 
          I am ready, I guess, for my trip to Rome. I don't know how would i manage it. The last time I solo traveled I was feeling sick and made so many wrong decisions that cost me time, money, and almost my life.  don't know what kind of disaster I am about to experience. I plan to go to church before my trip and that is on my birthday because 10 falls on Sunday. 
          I think most of my birthdays I go to church, yeah, I remember my 18th and 24th birthday attending a mass. Maybe that's all I could give to God my time. I feel awful because I know there is so much more this life has to offer but I am restricted by so much anxiety, of being alone, and of money. 
          I just watched a movie and I am about to do something stupid, or maybe I could put it off. 
          I don't know but hey what do I know? I am turning 29 a week from now, my father would not be able to see it, and my mother and family members could only wish me from afar. I would be celebrating it alone, for the first time. I am preparing mentally for it, maybe this is just going to be the first of the many more birthdays that I have to celebrate alone, and I need to get used to it. 
          I am grateful that I reached this point in my life, the past month went by fast and work has taken its toll on me, but I am still here. One day I'd no longer be here and I wouldn't be writing, so I am grateful for this.

If all goes well, I will be going to Rome, Italy next month. If all goes well, I will have an increase in my salary next month. If all goes well, I will be happier next year. But for now, I am writing this at 3 am because I have a wrecked sleeping schedule from working nights. 
          There's so much I have to do but none of them are done. I am on my annual leave this week but it feels like I have not done anything. I am just planning, reminiscing, and eating. 
          Depression is sometimes a thief in the night, I still am functional but I know I am much more depressed than those people who are crying right now. Or do I hope I am just overreacting? 
          This is the last month I am 28 years old and the funny thing is, I still think I am 17. I am still writing here just as I was. I had never learned to be mature emotionally. 
          In the workplace, I think I had been more mature but I still do not want to be a senior staff on the floor. 
          This February is going to be swift, I am telling you. January took its time and that's why I have been able to go to Iceland. I mean it was not a successful trip and I have lost so much money over it but at least I experienced gut-wrenching moments outside work that I hopefully not going to repeat on my next trip. As my brother says, "charged to experience." He had so many of those moments, I think it is his mantra now. 
          I am gonna write again next month hoping I have some good news to bring.