Sophie Metropolis

A bit late to write this, but I have been thinking about it. I was busy last week deciding on an apartment, but i had narrowed it down to things that matter to me, it's near my workplace because I don't drive, it's on the ground floor because there might be no elevators to haul my groceries, and it is a 1-bedroom because I cannot be bothered with a big place. I don't have much expectation of what it is, but it's going to be my place for the next months or years, we'll see. 
          Now, that everyone in my workplace knows that I am to leave, it has been different, it was fun when only my manager knew I was leaving, but now even the doctor who does not care about my existence was even told by a co-worker, and you know what he said? His words were, "I'd rather go to India than to the US." And that my friend, is the reason why I don't want to tell people. I understand that people will have their own opinion but I don't want to hear it because the decision is made, and I am aware of those risks. 
          Let's not think about it for now. I would have a leaving do party, hopefully, because I actually want it deep inside, even when I keep saying I am fine not having it. 
          Haven't told my mother yet or my family because I don't want to overshadow the achievement of my niece, who passed her licensure exam, everyone is still over the moon about it. I know that my going to the states is good news to them, even when it scares the shit out of me. 
          It's scary that no matter how much I prepare myself, I am still going to be unprepared. While I am typing this, I feel guilty for not having packed yet, for not having booked my transport yet, or my hotel yet, or having packed that box yet. I am worried about how much money I will be left with after this, but I remember that the reason why I went to the UK was to prepare myself to go to the States. I keep forgetting that the reason why I saved up my money to this point is for me to have a smoother transition. 
          I'm grateful for all these. Hallelujah!

Another month, and yes, I did it, I did the embassy interview, got the visa, and rendered my resignation, all in one month. April was a long month for me, but it was all worth it because here I am on the first few days of May, enjoying my time home, unrushed, taking afternoon naps, and singing my heart out. I have 4 days off, and I am enjoying every moment of it. I am also grateful to see my family having a good time at home. People have no idea how knowing that they are all okay makes me feel good as well, even when I am miles away from them. We have different worlds, but we are all connected, so if someone is not having a great time, it would be a disaster for each of us. I remember the days when my father was ill, everyone was having that gloom, we were all living in a life knowing that my father was going to have his dialysis the next day, and then we had to worry for the next week, and my mother worried where she would get the money to finance the next sessions, and worst was, I was in nursing school. I was in nursing school, and I had to live with that situation. I learned how to compartmentalise for 4 years, or maybe I was just born without empathy, so I could not care less. I just want to finish school. 
          Now, it's all okay. It's not ideal because I am very far away from home, but I'll take this as a good sign for a good month ahead. 
          I have to render my 8 weeks of work before I finally leave my workplace, no one knows it yet except my manager, and I am glad she's kept it quiet for now. I can't take any more comments about leaving until I don't know, until it can't be kept a secret anymore. 
          I haven't done any of my preparation yet, like most of what I am doing is just writing stuff down, but no actual preparation. I am thinking that because I have 3 weeks off, it would give me some time to prepare. Heck, I could even insert a trip within those days. It's nice being single at this time of my life. I actually feel like I have dodged a problematic situation.

Almost there, I guess? I am going to a new country, I guess? It actually is happening, I mean the fact that I have a scheduled book at the embassy seems like it is for real. I should nt overthink it, and just enjoy the process, as the outcome is definetely not going to be enjoyable. I am more worried of being crappy at my job, it actually felt like my PTSD from working in my first real job is coming back. 
          Well, it's April now and the year has been so great for me. When it started, I was well at home and happy, I remember that, and had a successful trip with my mother, and most importantly, I had a great birthmonth, enjoying theatres and train rides. It's been a great 1st quarter that it feels like there is a catch.
          Maybe the catch is that I have to do it all alone for the rest of my life. 
          There's this song that I am playing most times, and it's from the Carpenters, entitled, "Goodbye to Love", and what a time to resonate to a song. 
          I have been trying my best to divert my attention of love, but when I watch a movie, or a TV series with a love story, I wish of it to happen to me again. The worst part, I wish to have a love exactly of what I see in the show, as if I do not know that those things were written and rewritten to make it all look perfect but the real world is not like that, it's filled with weird people. And I am ugly to have that kind of love story. No, even ugly people can have that love story, it's me that can't because I am living a life in a different matrix, translation: I live life in avoidance. 
          This month I could utter the words, "I am going to resign, and leave." Again. This time it actually is harder because I will leave a comfortable and easy job for a potentially more difficult and stressful one. There's nothing that prepares you for the actual warzone that is called bedside care. 
          This is my anxiety speaking, I need to let this go and live in the moment cause there's nothing much I can do, things will happen, regardless.

Birthmonth. What an amazing time to be alive, as I am writing today, a war is breaking out in the middle east. In my almost 31 years of life, I had experienced a deadly super typhoon, a pandemic, and now a war. I think it's great but also not great. I know that things are going to be better, and the news are just really far from what actually is happening but I have to go on living like everyone else. 
          BTW, I gave my mom cash for my birthday, and she told me she just gave the cash to my brother and to her sister, I gave her money and she gives it away. I don't know why I don't feel too good about it. I am not supposed to feel that way but remind me again not to give cash to her, I don't think that supporting my brother while he is in his almost 50s is a good thing. I am hoping it gets better but I know how money works, it is never enough. I am not going to give her any cash anymore because it is ridiculous. I am leaving it at that. 
          I have been writing in insane amounts recently, and I don't know if my trail of thoughts have been better. Maybe it's time to get into therapy. I've been looking into it, and if I am just giving my money away to people I do not even see, and would not even care about me, I might as well give it to someone whom I could talk to. I think that this is the way, i have to pay someone to talk to. The chats with my mother are not helping me, I need to make a mental note that I should keep our chats brief. 
          I had a bit of excitement because my US application might progress this month, and I might be able to leave the country in a matter of 6 months, so I sold my Westlife concert tickets, and then after I sold it, I have learned about the bombings in middle east and the talks of war, and I realise that if it gets worse, things may halt, and I will be stuck in the UK for long. Of course, as this is a war of the US, they might be fast tracking my application so that I can serve in the war. I don't need to stress out at the moment, praying for peace

"You had me at 'Hello'"- Jerry McGuire the movie had me crying before I started typing this. It's February now and you know what they say when February comes, it's going to be Valentines Day! I have nothing to celebrate about that day, except that fact that I might write my yearly journal of how that day went. I am a romantic- an avoidant romantic who wishes to have a man who's around 6 ft tall and has a perfect smile. I might as well shoot for the stars. 
          I am trying to compose myself this weekend, it has been hard saying no to my mom about my brothers asking me for some money. I know it is hard for my mother to be in this situation, it's also harder for mt brothers to live a life with scarce resources and they have to ask me for it. I have money to give them but I am also limited, and I still have a long way in life to go through, that I needed what I have earned. It is hard enought to work abroad and do it all yourself but it's harder to think that I am an emergency source of funds of most of my sibling's family. 
          I am in a provilege position because it is harder to be on the other side of the coin but my heart is heavy thinking about not being able to help because I fear for my own. I wonder how long would this be going on still, and at could all these costs. 
          Could this mean that i won't be going home anymore? Should I stop all the means to communicate to them? What on earth would that left me? I have nothing. I only have my family and I always wanted to be kind. Maybe we all could agree on one thing, maybe I could help out a little, and maybe not enjoying my life is what is this all about. 
          I was scared that this point in my life could happen. I chose to be away from my family, chose to live as a foreigner in a different continent, and now i am responsible to provide, and  I am expected to give. 
          If calling my mother stresses me out, I would try to distance for a while. It's the only solution, we all could be civil to each other but we all need to have peace.

New year, again. I had a blast new year this time, not my usual alone time of the year but a new year with family. It's what money is capable of, it's capable of making one happy. I could not please everyone with my money but I was able to make myself smile, laugh, sing, and dance for the new year, surrounded by people who knows me and looked after me. It was a new year I have missed for the last 5 years of my life, the death of my father falling into the 31st of December, makes you want to celebrate life for the new year. 
          My brain is empty right now, I have no idea what to write, I just read my journal entry last year, and I think the sentiment there is superb, I can't top it. I have no sentiment for the last year and no hight hopes for the coming year. It's all responsibilities and how to earn more money kind of vibe year. Also, I have been listening and reading some feng shui experts and nothing said about my birth year being lucky this year. I'm turning 31 this year, and after that I am out of the calendar number system, it's horrible and at the same time weird being old because I still have the same thoughts when I was younger and maybe I need some brain reset to actually mature. 
          At this age, I pray for everyone else. I am hopeful for my niece and nephews, I hope they all thrive in their studies, since most of them are in school. I think that they need more prayers than I do for myself. My life has passed me by, I think you only have 15 years to make it, and that is when you turn 15 until you are 30, passed that, you have to maintain your health, and make sure you get enough sleep, proper food, and live simply until you retire. 
          I am sleepy now because my body is still in Philippines time. It was a fun vacation but I am now nursing myself of a cough, colds, and possibly a headache. At least, I am alive, and I still have the will to live. I don't know what this year is going to bring, all I know is that I have 2 tickets for Westlife concert in October.

And just like that, it's the last month of the year. People's been posting about their wraps or recaps of the year, may it be their music or dating wraps. This year my dating wrap is nil, even crushes did not happen. I try to recall if I ate grapes under the table last new year because if I did then I think it worked the opposite, literally no one has come my way, even to make me feel excited about a short term. But to be fair, I had a good year of sleep, aside from my trip to the Philippines in March that gave me days of headache, and my earache series, I think the year has been a good sleep year. Healthwise, aside from the two I already mentioned, I think I am okay, got my blood work done, gained 3 kgs or even more now, and then my skin improved. I even had a random dermatology consultation, which I was diagnosed of a recessed chin that needs a filler, she complimented my lips but then back it up with pointing out my insecurities but no to worry, I ain't getting a filler. So, for now, there's nothing more I can do to turn this year into a spectacular one, no relationship, no date, and I don't think I have to. I have quietly quit on it. I still hope to experience a love like others get to enjoy but with what I have, I should be grateful already. This month, I won't have time to think much about it anyway, I am fulltime at work, and then I have a trip to look forward to. All my energy will be put towards the trip and then facing my relatives, and of course the question of marriage and boyfriends would come in but I have would just ignore it. I have ignored it for so long, another day or weeks would not make any difference. 
          I'm grateful, November is over, and it's almost the Christmas season, the weather may be crap but I am hoping that I will be out here soon and then, enjoy the beaches and the warm weather again. Wish me luck!

I am prompt this month. It's also because the 1st of the month falls on a Saturday. I had a call with my mother. I am glad that she doesn't ask money from me but does drop hints that she needs it for the titling of all these lands. She mentioned about one land finishing its lease 11 years from now and she counted how old she would have by then, or that maybe she's no longer here, and I grew silent. It's a reality that we all have to face at some point but not yet. I haven't told her of the trip that I am planning to this beatiful tourist island destination in the Philippines, I want to surprise her but I also might be surprised at how it could desperately affect my savings. Laetely, for the past 3 months, based on my spending trends, I am gushing out with expenses. Of course, the plane tickets, my polynucleotide injections, random purchases, and then I got a ticket for Westlife concerts, all these crap are piling up and I am only evening it out with my income. Yes, I still have my savings, untouched and investments slightly growing but I have to admit, since I changed jobs I don't have much extra going in. I would get a payrise this month, hopefully, and maybe that could help me a little bit but I do not want this scarcity mindset. At 30, I should be free and secure. Yet, I do not have my pension sorted or any property under my name. Anyway, aside from my financial woes, I am also worried that I could not find a way to get out of the rut of being stationary. But that will be a long story to write. For now, I will focus on what I am grateful for. First, the world is healing, I do not know, I just feel like we are so much better people than in the past, I have been watching this period drama, and I think it impacts the way I see the modern world. Second is my skin, I felt like my skin had a flare-up for a week because of a new moisturiser, but then I recovered in just a week. Third, I am here doing still the things I love, writing, even when it is all nonsense.

Officially Autumn season. I'm grateful for surviving whatever the past few months had given me, from my ear pain, which I still have problems with but the pain has now gone, touchwood. Also, to keep up with a clean room because of my anxiety over how the plumber would find my room. My sink is now fixed and as an adult, that is like getting a life upgrade. 
          I have been spending so much money that just leads to nowhere, especially with my skin, thousands has been spent already this year, although it is better compared how it was this time of the month last year, I wish I could say that all the money spent has been worth it. It's not. 
          Anyway, my petty worries aside, my grandfather died, days away shy from my grandmother's first death anniversary. They are not the best couple in history but they lived and gave way to me, and even if they were only peasant farmers who never had proper education, they weren't that bad at all. And, I can say that they were actually nice to me, my earliest memory of them was letting me feed their chickens, and then letting me borrow the bike. They're gone now, joined with 3 of their children who had died before them, one of which is my father. Life is just like that, we all would go, and as I write this, people are going. 
          What a sad start of the month, death and it's memories of grieving. 
          There's nothing to look forward to except my going back home in a matter of 2 months. Of ourse, there will be parties and the fair this month but nothing beats a holiday at home even when I am pressured to buy a piece of land that will solve all of their problems and then add to mine.  I don't have the money for it to be honest, I calculated all my savings and if I will buy it, I would not have left for myself. It would not have been a problem really if I have money, I would have bought it straightaway. 
          So, yeah, despite of my savings dwindling, I am still spending on a bunch of stuff. The economy is just bad and I cannot do anything about it.

My profile showed that I joined Wattpad September of 2014, which means this month I am celebrating my 11 years on this platform. I remember sneaking out to my sister's room to get her phone and log into this app to read books. Back then I was too poor to buy a book or a phone or a laptop, but I had so much time to read. It's the opposite now, I have the means to buy all those things but I have no time to use them. Reading had been my escape back then, it is still my escape now but I don't mind facing reality now that I am older. It was back then when life was hard that I needed a third space where I could zone out, and live someone else's life through books. The world has been a better place for me, I can say that, but I still have a long way to go and I know that it's a cycle of ups and downs and maybe I am at the beginning of my downhill now. I'm recently in pain because of my ear and I have been wondering if it's only my ear or is there a greater problem to be discovered beneath it. It's a never-perfect progression, I always say to myself, after I would resolve one problem, another one comes my way again, I am just glad it's not bombarding me, it's taking it's turn. One by one, day by day, slowly and then bam... 
          Last month was over and done with, I did so much last month and it could be judged based on my bank account. This month is going to be a work month but I am also waiting for one thing, and that's my US application. I am worried of what might come this month, it is a make-or-break thing. But I always say, I am ready to go. I am ready to start the process again, and take this journey farther than I can imagine. I have closed the doors for men, although I like to walk on the other side of the road recently because there are 2 tall doctors walking to work on that side. Funny, I just realise they never bothered to cross but I did. Maybe I should not do it anymore, it was only for fun to spice up the start of my day. That is all for now, see you in October.