Saint Of Unholiness

@PearlFallingOnJade Omg hello

When people complement me on my writing  when I don't even think it was my best is heartwarming and I feel like I have fallen in love every time.

Guess who made their non-fluent in Malay teammate be the leader in a FORUMMMMMMM where she had to speak by HERSELF. Thank god the teacher was understanding!!!! Whatever, I'm still going to be teams with those cowards. Lol.

Being a huge fangirl in a fandom is wild because right now I am obsessed with MXTX and then I wonder if I was ever that excited being in a fandom and disregard the fact that I was a big Harry Potter fan before, Ever After High, MIRACULOUS LADYBUG!!!!!!!!!!!! Like how could I just forget my recent years of fangirling. I know that I have the tendency to get distracted even while watching a show but still. I forgot about these gems of a show!!!!!!!!!

Reminder for future me if I ever encounter this problem again. The solution is to find similar characters and do some research on how other authors overcome getting the ship together.

OMGOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!! I remember now why I struggle writing fanfics. I don't know about anyone else but I love writing it close to their original character. At least, I should be able to use changes in the story to develop the character. But if there is one thing I hate most is not being able to move on. When I wrote One Night Stand I actually didn't have any problems planning the story but writing Severus being romantic was slightly hard because you have to take everything in account. Severus is nice as a person if you think of it, he was just a victim of bullying and that was easy to explore. We never got to see how we would be with a partner and I don't like straying too far from the original story. There are also factors that get in the way of developing Severus as a lover like his rivalry with James, he wasn't technically interested in love after Lily and MalexMale relationship has a huge difference. I am sure many Jeverus/Snames writers likes to stay away from og plotline because Severus dies in the og story. I am not saying that it is bad but it does make my job much harder. Severus is a tsundere but he's like Iwaizumi from Haikyuu or something.........wait. I think I found the solution, never mind.

I got over my writers block.........sort of? I feel like Wattpad is sort of failing. Sorry WP. But yeah, I had all this ideas but I couldn't execute it. Although, I think I can write some at least. Because of a request from someone who had been waiting long for a new Jeverus ff from me, I will be focusing on that and going back to back with my angsty novel. All in all, I have about 10 novels that I have to rewrite. Wish me luck.

My mom just sent me a video about an Imam talking about how Allah wouldn't accept disobedient children who disrespect their parents. Let me tell you, I did not ask to be born, you did not ask for my consent and now with my own will, I cannot take my own life? I have never lashed out on her, I have always held back. She was the one who always disrespected me, ABUSED me, PROJECTING HER FEELINGS ON ME. Even after all that, even when I can recognize the HYPROCRISY AND GASLIGHTING, even when I have accepted that she will not change, I still enjoyed the peace and mistook it as change. That she is a better  person like she still obliviously hurts me. As if she needs to lash out on me and state her feelings outwardly for me to label her as a bad person. I am tired of always having to explain how I feel, I am tired of always concealing my fear. I don't feel safe anymore, not in this house, not outside, not even in my own mind. I am just so tired and no amount of homework or videos and shows could keep me happy anymore, they feel so temporary. It's getting irritating, my happiness is limited now............... Do I need help?

The more I grow up, the more I realize the hypocrisy of people's words and actions. The things I do for them is not appreciated because it is not shown openly and they only side with you when it benefits them. My mind has become a mess now. When I start to become confident and more self aware do I realize my true worth. Although it is then when I find that the people I love was not that great either, that they still prefer to not accept my flaws as I do for them. They have known about my problems but still choose to ignore my worries. It is expected at this point but I am just disappointed and I can't do anything because I don't like confrontation.

I have always flirted with others first and maybe it was because I could always use the excuse that it was a joke that I was confident. But now that a girl flirted with me first knowing we were both bisexual, I found out that I can be a tsundere. (0//^//0).