Reachelhayes

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lycian_nightfall

Hi! I read your comment on a tiktok and I've read the introduction up to the chapter "Breath" and here's my critique:
          
          - Don't list your character names at the beginning of the book. This spoils the reader, disengaging them. Let them know the characters naturally. If you really wanna do this, do it at the end of the story or when you feel like there are too many to keep track of.
          
          - The warnings are way too abundant and spoil the reader. You mentioned the warning 3 times which is okay but do not put a warning on chapters, let them [readers] feel the dread and suspense. If you want them to be aware (warnings per chapter is too much), put a warning on ALL chapters to avoid spoilers or don't put it on ANY chapter at all.
          
          - The phasing is way too confusing and too fast, as if the storyline of the chapter is rushed.
          
          Grammar and vocabularies. I read that English is not your first language, but since you're writing an English book, you should also follow the English grammar rule; the wordings of the actions and phasing are all over the place. However, I can see that the protagonist's mind is chaotic in a way which makes the 'all over the place' in this first person book okay BUT you have to play it right. You have to break down the lines in a way that doesn't confuse the readers.
          
          Give us a worldbuilding set up. Set up the world around the protagonist. Things are not clear in the first chapter: Who is she? (Integrate her name in the story, let the protagonist's name be known especially in a first person perspective story), Why were they bullied? Or were they bullied? Where is this school? What's the setting?
          
          You're a young, aspiring writer. And the way you want people to be honest with your work is already a good foundation to becoming better. Keep it up!
          
          (PS. I don't read story descriptions because I don't like spoiling myself so I can't really give you a critique about that. But the warning caught my attention enough to read it.)

Starainx

@fujiwaranao Thank you for your feedback. I love your honesty. It can hurt but i can get better at it, thanks to that. I'll try my best!
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