LiarLiarLikeAWriter

SH,
          I'm grateful that you like my fledgling fanfiction and voted for it. As for your own work, I can only offer a fellow novice-writer's opinion. I can see you have potential, though you struggle with your hook a little. Your beginning is eye catching, but confusing. You're giving too much information right off the bat concerning your characters' backstories, which distracts a dedicated reader from the plot you're attempting to unfold. When you first start, the flashbacks are stacked over each other with no smooth transition.
          I say this in hopes that you find my criticism constructive rather than condescending. Your use of imagery is good and from what I've read so far, you avoid the common mistake of repetitive vocabulary. No one likes reading the same word three or more times in a paragraph, so well done on that front.
          A major point of a good story isn't solely a good plot, though. It's the flow of the story. If it doesn't flow smoothly, you'll lose your audience.
          I look forward to seeing how your story and writing progresses.
          
          -LiarLiar

StrangeHeart96

@LiarLiarLikeAWriter Thank you do much for the input! I'll try on the next chapters, and if I get the hang of it, I may make changes in the previous ones. I really appreciate the feedback! <3
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LiarLiarLikeAWriter

@StrangeHeart96 I think that a flashback is a classic hook, but italicizing the font doesn't always let the reader know that they're reading the past. It might be helpful to introduce the chapter with an actual "however long ago" at the top in bold italics, and write the flashback like it's currently happening. A good prologue sets a great stage for a story. When writing the memory, don't switch back and forth between past and present. Let the information unfold naturally through not just the characters' speech, but also their actions, experiences and inner thoughts. Feed your audience the information gradually so that they are drawn into your book for the next piece to satisfy their curiosity. A reader wants to be led through a story, not overwhelmed by more info than they don't know what to do with. Take another look at how you wrote the book's description. You wrote enough to catch attention and withheld enough to make a browsing eye curious. That's a good start.
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StrangeHeart96

@LiarLiarLikeAWriter Hi! Thank you for checking out my work! I really appreciate your honest thoughts! Can you tell me more about this part: "you struggle with your hook a little." 
            
            Can you provide me an example and let me know how you think I should do it? It would really help me write in a better perspective.
            
            I agree with you about "giving too much information right off the bat". I'm not sure how I can introduce my characters without distracting readers from the plot.
            
            Sorry to bother, but your input about this will be greatly appreciated! ^.^
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