Carterman

I didn't tell you happy birthday. And I didn't say happy anniversary. And I've regretted it. But God baby, I'm falling apart. I'm fucking struggling.
          
          I got fired. Y'know and that sucks. I worked my ass off for that damn company, I did everything I could to get to where I was. A co manager, only 4 months of being 18 and I was a co manager. But she didn't like me there so she used everything I did wrong of badly and she used it against me. She got me fired.
          
          And I fucked someone else on our anniversary. Yeah I felt great about that one. I definitely didn't cry on the drive home, definitely didn't cry that night.
          
          I angrily deleted all our messages and pictures like 2 years ago. And I regret that. Because I can't read them anymore. And I just want to read them. I just want to tell you I love you one more fucking time.
          
          I'm trying so hard to be okay. But all I can think about is you. I'm with these other guys and all I think about it is you. Why'd you have to die? We were gonna be happy. Why'd he have to take you from me so early? Take you from us so early?
          
          I know you don't feel pain anymore. And I know you're finally truly happy. But I want you back. I want to be selfish just this one time and I want you back. I would do anything just to have you back. Feel you in my arms, feel your warmth. I want you fucking back. This is getting to be too much, y'know? And I'm trying so hard.
          
          You would've been proud how well I turned out. But now I'm falling again, and I don't know if I can get back up.
          
          I love you, Amore mio.

I can't do this without you I'm fucking struggling and you're not HERE

What the FUCK Carter 

Ahole should've taken me with you. Of course you had to go be the godamnn hero. If you were here we wouldn't be in this situation. if you were here you'd know what to do it wouldn't be my effing problem. But no you just had to go and freaking die now didn't you. God. 

Babe, this one snuck up on me. Happy birthday, bitch. I mean that lovingly. You would've been... How far apart were we? Two years. You would've been nineteen. Fuck you would be old! HA!
          
          Y'know, I could see your face when last year, I dropped out of high school. And then now, as I tell you that I passed the damn social studies GED. What you wanted for my education was for me to succeed, and not fuckin cheat. And you would be so proud because I didn't!
          
          And while I have you here, should I become a ghost writer? Like... No one (not even my family) would know that I write books, except for the kid's book I still haven't done. I mean, I'm already secretive about my writing so what's the diff?
          
          If you agree, bring your ghost to me. If you don't agree, still bring your ghost to me. I want to know what a ghost feels like so I can write about it. Research, baby, research!
          
          I'm gonna go write a depressing fucking oneshot because that's my favorite genera. 
          
          I love you, and happy birthday.

GODDAMN IT GODDAMN IT GODDAMN IT

GODDAMN IT

goddamn it

Did I do this last year? Probably. And Imma keep doin' it, until one day... I just don't.
          
          Happy three years, baby.
          
          Three years. That's crazy. My longest relationship, I don't know about you. Well, would've been. Our relationship still was my longest. I don't know what I'm saying, I'm sleep deprived. I didn't sleep, I was being spiteful. Still am.
          
          I love you. 
          
          Say hey to my dog, will ya?
          
          I love you, TacoDaMexicanFood. Always have, always will. I'll see you back here on the 24th, yeah?
          
          Goodbye, Love.

Ay at least you're missing this fucking pandemic, huh.