Tanu_Etforamee
When did life get like this
Tanu_Etforamee
Tanu_Etforamee
Alright I've never really talked about this before but I just can't keep quiet anymore.
So I've been debating over something for a good while now
That being getting into Therapy, yay...
Why I considering this would have to do with the fact that lately I've getting into states of depression so much worse lately and I'd usually just show it by laughing or smiling but now it's to the point where I can't even manage that anymore, not like it was good to begin with.
I've even noticed that even during moments where I'm having fun with friends or something it just still gets to me in some way.
I've been aware of this feeling for too long but never did anything because it was manageable back in elementary but by the time middle school rolled around and I started to get random chests pains alongside a dented left rib cage (don't know how it happened) I kinda just gave up on trying to live, I ended up not eating lunches and such, even Isolated myself from my friends during that time till COVID came 'round.
Highschool started off rough, having moved and not knowing anyone but eventually I found someone and through them I began to find my friends and life started to get good again.
But good things can only last so long, I eventually became and Idiot and lost that person later on, it never hurts any less to know that I lost one of the first people I truly came to care about starting school and losing them due to my own stupidity and trust issues and before I knew it at one point I returned to being alone at lunches and couldn't eat opting to go back to reading and working.(eventually I did find some friends to hang with again during lunch)
Tanu_Etforamee
Factors really but the main cause is just a let it fester and I still have fun and am happy I can't deny that but now the moments in which I feel depressed are hitting hard and the fact that I feel I still haven't found what I want to do with my life just adds on to it. Am I suicidal? No at least It's never go through with it, I keep believing that my fear of death will keep me from ending myself but I have asked what would happen if that fear became no more, I still believe I wouldn't but the future is often uncertain.
It's honestly crazy how it feels like I'm living life in two different worlds just how I'm always switching between being happy and having fun to being depressed and stressing and only one acts like a mask for the other.
Oh I should probably mention that I did reach a point to where I gave myself some cuts, yup although not with a knife but actually with a pair of scissors, will I do it again idk. (I do have a scar on my chest from one of them now though)
I guess I'm really just worried about telling my parents that I want to get therapy because it feels like I'll hurt them by making them realize I've been lying to them most of my life and hurting in silence.
Also the trust issues make me worry I will even be able to talk to the therapist properly.
I'm really just worrying
I've never been one to see positives just negatives.
Alright I think that's it that or I'm forgetting something, helluva thing to post for that first time in a while. Just needed to get my thoughts out there for once, no more silence. (I'll probably make a post of my positives later, cause there are some)
Tanu_Etforamee
Been here before
I remember this
I'm falling back
To eternal bliss
I'm running out
And losing hope
Round and round
The merry go
Open my eyes
I can see the horizon
It's always forever away
There's no escaping
I'm forever chasing
The edge of an endless wave
The truth is a riddle
I'm stuck in the middle
It's different but somehow the same
Every star in the sky
Gorgeous star of the night
And they left me with nothing to say
And I begin again
All that's left is to start again
Reimagine but don't forget
Every flame in this fire
Is endless desire
Surrender with every breath
Been here before
I remember this
I'm falling back
To eternal bliss
I'm running out
And losing hope
Round and round
The merry go
My reason is groundless
But love yield is boundless
An ocean that's endlessly deep
Don't know how I found this
In nothing but darkness
Afloat in eternity
The device of my fear
Yeah it all disappears
And the monsters in mirrors retreat
Elated I stare
Not afraid just aware
I illumine the magic in me
And I begin again
All that's left is to start again
Reimagine but don't forget
Every flame in this fire
Is endless desire
Surrender with every breath
Been here before
I remember this
I'm falling back
To eternal bliss
I'm running out
And losing hope
Round and round
The merry go
And I begin again
All that's left is to start again
Reimagine but don't forget
Every flame in this fire
Is endless desire
Surrender with every breath
Final song for these announcements is Begin Again by Kobi McCoul
Tanu_Etforamee
All I want is to feel a bit
We could fall in love, you could slit my wrist
I could tell you now that they both 'gonn feel the same
I've been wide awake, I've been blacking out
I've been locked away, could you let me out?
'Cause I've grown so tired of existing in this cage
I remember when I used to feel (it was beautiful)
But I guess that's something you can steal (and I lost it all)
Now nothing seems to feel too real (unbelievable)
What have I been running from?
How did I become so numb?
I'm so numb
I give up
What have I been running from?
How did I become so numb?
All I want is a night of sleep
You could knock me out, I could rest in peace
I don't mind if I get to close my eyes
I've been day to day, I've been dying slow
If you find a way, could you let me know?
My confusion no longer comes as a surprise
I remember when I used to feel (it was beautiful)
But I guess that's something you can steal (and I lost it all)
Now nothing seems to feel too real (unbelievable)
What have I been running from?
How did I become so numb?
I'm so numb
I give up
What have I been running from?
How did I become so numb?
All I want is to feel a bit
All I want is to feel a bit
All I want is to feel a bit
All I want is to feel a bit
All I want is to feel a bit
All I want is to feel a bit
All I want is to feel a bit
You could knock me out
You could slit my wrist
All I want is to feel a bit
All I want is to feel a bit (I'm so numb)
All I want is to feel a bit
All I want is to feel a bit (I give up)
All I want is to feel a bit
All I want is to feel a bit
What have I been running from?
How did I become so numb?
How did I become so numb?
8 graves numb
Tanu_Etforamee
"your toast has been burnt and no amount of scraping will remove the black parts" - Caboose
While a funny little quote I find it to have a deeper meaning. sometimes you make a mistake and you can't always fix it,
hell I know I've made some.
Also ironically I don't really like toast :/
Tanu_Etforamee
this message may be offensive
I can't help who I am (I am)
I just don't give a damn
The smoke, it helps me forget (forget)
The pain I haven't felt yet
Don't care what you say
Don't care what you think of me
Trouble in my veins, suddenly the enemy is me
I wanna get high and a little fucked up (little fucked up)
I only get by with a little bad luck (little bad luck)
I can barely keep my cool
Playin' by the golden rule
I can get by with a little bad luck (little bad luck)
I can get by with a little bad luck
I, I'm lost in a dream (in a dream)
These friends, they're not what they seem
And I'm, cryin' like a baby
My mama tried to save me but
I'm so far gone
I wanna get high and a little fucked up (little fucked up)
I only get by with a little bad luck (little bad luck)
I can barely keep my cool
Playin' by the golden rule
I can get by with a little bad luck (little bad luck)
I can get by with a little bad luck
Some days, some days, I'm better off alone
Sideways, sad days, this wagon's up and gone
Ring around the rosie, a pocket full of posies
Ashes, ashes, we all fall down
I wanna get high and a little fucked up (little fucked up)
I only get by with a little bad luck (little bad luck)
I can barely keep my cool
Playin' by the golden rule
I can get by with a little bad luck (little bad luck)
I can get by with a little bad luck
I can get by with a little bad luck
Song: Bad Luck by Adam Jensen
Tanu_Etforamee
Swallow them pills, swallow the poison
Drown out the shame, drown out the noises
I've never been so lost, my body's cold
Guess I'm unlovable, I should've known
Tears on the melody
And she keeps on haunting me
And tears on the melody
And she keeps on haunting me
Covered in blue, covered in roses
Yesterday's gone, tomorrow is golden
I've never been so lost, my body's cold
Guess I'm unlovable, I should've known
Tears on the melody
And she keeps on haunting me
And tears on the melody
And she keeps on haunting me
Song: Tears On The Melody by Adam Jensen
Tanu_Etforamee
I was smoking backwoods while you were coughing
Put another nail into my coffin
I was dreaming when you told me you were leaving
Now there's nothing left for me to believe in
I'm always one kiss away from falling in love
And I'm one step far away from having enough
I lost myself then I lost you
I held my breath, would you hold yours too?
Now I'm dying without you, baby blue
Now I'm dying without you, baby
It's 4 a.m. and I'm in my head
And I don't know if I'll feel again
'Cause I'm dying without you, baby blue
Now I'm dying without you, baby blue
Oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh
Where did I go so wrong
And how long will I sing these sad songs?
And tear the city down like King Kong
Where did I go so wrong?
I'm always one kiss away from falling in love
And I'm one step far away from having enough
I lost myself then I lost you
I held my breath, would you hold yours too?
Now I'm dying without you, baby blue
Now I'm dying without you, baby
It's 4 a.m. and I'm in my head
And I don't know if I'll feel again
'Cause I'm dying without you, baby blue
Now I'm dying without you, baby blue
Oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh
I can't go back, I'm out of sight
I'll disappear
I can't go back, I'm out of sight
I'll disappear
I lost myself then I lost you
I held my breath, would you hold yours too?
Now I'm dying without you, baby blue
Now I'm dying without you, baby
It's 4 a.m. and I'm in my head
And I don't know if I'll feel again
'Cause I'm dying without you, baby blue
Now I'm dying without you, baby blue
Oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh
Song: Baby Blue by Adam Jensen
Tanu_Etforamee
My head is a maze that you created
Littered with empty threats (a bag of bones, I have nothing) left
You chose to gaslight me to death
You made me sell my soul for your control
A prisoner to the mistake
Of hoping you would change
Baby, we're born to lose
When there's a fever in me
There is a fire in you
Now I have the shortest fuse
Because the fever in me
Won't calm the fire in you
And I'm burning out
My heart is a cell that's built for hiding
'Cause I'm not allowed to hurt (still you're never satisfied)
Convinced me darkness is what I deserve
When I am at my worst, you have it worse (you have it worse)
Baby, we're born to lose
When there's a fever in me
There is a fire in you
Now I have the shortest fuse
Because the fever in me
Won't calm the fire in you
And I'm burning out
I'm burning out, burning out this time
Burning out, burning out this time
I'm burning out, burning out this time
I'm burning out
I'm burning out, burning out this time
I'm burning out, burning out this time
I'm burning out, burning out this time
I'm burning out
Baby, we're born to lose
When there's a fever in me
There is a fire in you
Now I have the shortest fuse
Because the fever in me
Won't calm the fire in you
And I'm burning out
And I'm burning out
Fever by Citizen Soldier
Tanu_Etforamee
It feels like a dream
How did things all get so crazy?
I'm remembering
Before, when I felt so clean
Alone in my room
It feels like the walls are closing in
I'm thinking of you
'Cause I know what'll happen soon
I'm spinning out of control
Not knowing which way to go
Feelin' left out in the cold
I just wanna let go of it all
And climb up over the wall
I need some help
To get back on my feet
If you're out there, comfort me!
You thought you could come and take
It all without hurting me
That was your biggest mistake
Should have known
When you saw me break!
Alone in my room I sit
And pray that the walls
Stop closing in
And every breath I take's
A step further away
From the end of me
I'm spinning out of control
Not knowing which way to go
Feelin' left out in the cold
I just wanna let go of it all
And climb up over the wall
I need some help
To get back on my feet
If you're out there, comfort me!
(I wanna get this off my mind
There's no one else I can tell
Please listen to me
I just need you to listen to me
Come listen to me!
In a world where confusion
Is only an illusion
And fear itself is just another
Weak-minded solution
I live in a generation
With too much information
Instead of bonding together
We bring anger to the nation
My faith is the only thing I've got
And no one can take that from me
No one, nothing, there's no one
Who can take that from me!)
I'm spinning out of control
Not knowing which way to go
Feelin' left out in the cold
I just wanna let go of it all
And climb up over the wall
I need some help
To get back on my feet
If you're out there, comfort me!
I just wanna let go of it all
And climb up over the wall
I need some help
To get back on my feet
If you're out there, cover me!
Song: Outta Control by Thousand Foot Krutch