@ThIsPanoramaSucks
happy late harryween! i haven’t been here for a while but just wanted to check on it, and all of you. a lot has happened in the world, and with me lately but omfg, the google larry stuff was insane. they took it down but, still. love you all ❤️
im hungry and cold. i feel shivers up and down my body and all in ever wondering is if this will ever go away. i felt like passing out today, especially during dance. i’m dehydrated so my throat hurts and i feel dizzy. my life’s shit and i hate lying to my friends. but i have too. i need this to stick, or rather not to stick. this is random but nobody’s reading so fuck it.
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i really want to c*t but i can’t find anything sharp enough
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holly shit. my mom just got done talking to me about how much weight i’ve lost and it was so fucking triggering. she saw my fucking spit in the sink i forgot to rinse when i spit out my food and i swear my stomach dropped. the scary thing is that my sad heard me throwing up the other day and if she tells him about me losing weight hell tell her about that and i’ll be screwed. i’m going to hawaii in a few days with my mom and grandma and i’ve been eating a lot less for that, and i’ve lost weight but the top of my thighs and my stomach are still both so fat and it’s so annoying. my stomach is bigger than my but right now, i hate it, i don’t want to eat at all now but i don’t want my mom to see me in a bikini and see how “skinny” i am. i’m not, i’m really not. i have so much fat in the worst places. i don’t have enough fat on my legs to look “thick” in a good way, only at the very top, and my stomach is growing i swear. sucking in there’s still fat there and it won’t go away. i’m going to take a shower and cry, this is officially my venting page.
ok, so i just came up with the best trope for a harry book i need to find. so, it’s our harry (idk erra but def solo), he’s very kind, polite and everything he is in real life, except he has a dark side no one knows about. kind of a reverse duplicity thing, idk. but i just thought about it and now i need to fine a book like this. can anyone give recommendations?
so just recently, i found out something my only guy friend who i’ve been getting close to lately did. he supposedly groped my friend and took a camera into the girls bathroom. me and our friend group all automatically cut him off (this was like 3 days ago) and started to avoid him. i had just had class with him and he’s my desk partner. he’s the kind of person to be very physically close, to an uncomfortable amount. before, we’ve talked about it, but just figured he liked us, specifically me. when we found out, we reported him, cried, avoided him and just tried to wrap our minds around what was happening. the next day, we found out parts of what happened weren’t as intense as we had been told. he didn’t actually grope anyone, but he did make sexual comments and jokes about my friend and he did go to the girls changing room during a play. i’ll add more later but i need to go back to school rn.
im done ranting for tonight because of stupid wattpad character restrictions, so goodnight. i love you all. stay strong, you've got this <33
small update even though no ones reading this:
so, today i was really having a rough time and he came up to me and was just the nicest and most supportive person ever, like no one ever notices when i have my head down but hes just so kind. its so hard because im going to have to say goodbye too him tomorrow. i dont know how im going to do it. im losing people left and right, ive been suffocating in all the things I'm holding in. its getting so hard, but i hate being in the center of drama. i cant do it. i did before, ive always done it. idk how every relationship ive ever has had crumbled, every single one. I don't have a single person in my life i feel completely open too, idk if i ever will. if i get a therapist, i wont even be able to tell them everything. why cant i have just one person to know, not try to fix but just know. "no fixing". this has kind of just turned into a venting rant but im kind of on a roll. but really, why did he have to be a creep? this is so fucking hard. we dont even have any solid proof of what happened, but its still not ok. weve seen ourselves how it is. i dont know what im doing. i feel numb again. its gonna happen again. i feel so lost, like my life is going no where. im going to hawwai (which i already dont want to do during a pandemic, and going to hawwai a place way over populated with tourists that just take there water supply) in a week and im still way too gross to wear anything that shows my skin. i hate my body. ive been trying to eat way less these past weeks but its not going to help. and, i might have the fastest growing hair in history, so shaving down there is going to impossible. for a week too. i haven't had a real hug from anyone in so long. my mom guilt triping me to try to make me hug her again isn't working. my dads hugs i just dissociate during so i dont really feel anything, anyways it isn't the same. my best friend isn't very physically affectionate but i cant handle no human contact.
there’s some other details about it but right now, i don’t know much for sure but me and my friends are just avoiding talking to him or being around him until we’re ready to talk to him about it. he kept coming to hang out with us today and that’s usually normal, but it just feels so weird and uncomfortable when he’s close to me now.
a little late in the day but HAPPY LARRY DAY ! thank you for keeping me believing. i love you so much, more than you’ll ever know. i became a directioner because of you two, starting during these past insane few years. thank you for making me smile even when i feel like dying, you two really are my sunshine, always in my heart- to my Larrents (ps i just had a full meal of chicken, stuffed with mozzarella, wrapped in parma ham, with a side of homemade mash. thank you for that)
venting time-
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so, i just officially moved out of my moms house. i’m staying with my dad full time now. i still have to get some stuff from my moms but i already packed a lot. i have a harry concert soon and my mom bought the tickets so that fucking sucks. idk if i’ll even be able to see him and he’s one of the only things im looking forward too right now. she still doesn’t understand why what she did was wrong, why the many things she did were wrong. i don’t know where im going in life rn. i kid of feel like i’ve hit that breaking point. if i had the inclination to cut, i don’t know what’s telling me not to. it’s fall so it won’t show much if i did. i don’t have any motivation to eat, not that i wanted to before. i mean, of course i wanted too but i, don’t. I also just found someone very close to me online and i excepted there follow request. they were my sister figure, but we had a really, REALY complicated history. we had a toxic relationship and did a lot of things that normal bffs, wouldn’t, you could say. we’ve known each other since birth and even lived together, we were unbelievable close but that relationship stemmed a lot of toxic relationships in the future i’ve had, they really hurt me in life. i’m really scared. i haven’t had communication with them in a few years and they’ve changed a LOT. i have too, i’m stronger now, but i’m so scared all of that will crumble if/when i see them. i feel like all my friendships aren’t real. like we have things in common and i enjoy them, but it feels fake. idk how to describe it, i feel distant. like i’m faking everything in my life. non of my relationships are real, not even with myself. i dissociate from life now, like all the time. i don’t feel alive. i want to go on a walk and cry but my mom is still here talking with my dad so i have to wait until she leaves. i’m gonna go now, sorry for ranting. i love you all <33
just another reminder to go read this book by @absoIuteIysmitten ! one of my favorites and it’s SUPER underrated https://www.wattpad.com/story/258463309-18-h-s
a little late but Happy Birth Day Niall, my irish prince!
