Suicidal

Baby this weekend six years ago you left your mommy!! 
          
          Mommy felt torn to death that she was not there for you!!! She did not check phone as usual, thought you were happily preparing for your brother’s birthday party. She thought she was supposed to get home at 7:00pm per instruction by your dad. And she even set alarm for it. 
          
          ….. your mom is dumb. She did not know you were left home by yourself, something she wound never ever do. She felt so dumb that she did not check how you are that day? She thought you would have great time fishing with Alice.  Man, so torn!!! 

Baby, tomorrow is New Year Eve. It is hard… how can we celebrate all these without you? I ask your brother to bring you Christmas gifts. I wil certainly buy more. I regret so much for not doing that the year when you and your dad spend the Christmas apart from me. I was staying with your brother because he was sick and had to make up for the lesson. But I regret so much… that I did not carefully wrap up gifts for you. 
          
          Baby, I wish I can make up for all the birthday parties that I did not organize. Or all the gifts I did not send out. Every year I was the one who prepare everything and put them under the trees. But I did not that year but since then you are never able to see my gifts prepared for you. Can you baby? Mommy love you so much and miss you so badly. 

Happy birthday my baby! Hope you hear our birthday song, heard your brother’s wishes, hope you saw the flowers your dad bought you, the balloon your aunt bought you and the flowers, fruit tart and cake mommy bought you.
          
          Happy Birthday, my baby. Miss you, love you! 

I am here sitting next to where you are resting. Talking to you, my baby. Do you hear me? Do you feel my love? Do you know how much I love you and miss you? 
          
          Love you my baby, can you come to my dream? 

I am here with you my baby! Just dreamed of you. No, mommy will never leave you alone. Love you, Merry Christmas, my baby! 

Can not imagine it has been four years, my baby! It is just like yesterday. I can remember the every minute that day. 
          
          Baby, it is mommy’s fault to come home late. I thought you were having great time with your friend. I thought you were able to catch lots of fish like before. I thought you were preparing to celebrate your brother’s birthday dinner. 
          
          I got a note from your brother asking me to come home at 7:30pm that was why I set my alarm to get ready to get home at 7:13pm. Can you imagine bad things happened after I received the message before I head home? Just half an hour, the demon half an hour. The most horrible half an hour that you were left home by yourself, something I would never ever have done. I felt tricked. I felt set up by a trap. I felt the sky would fall when I was told you were left home by yourself. I was shocked. I was panicking. I felt hopeless…..  I called called called your phone but nobody picked up. 
          
          I wish I could fly home when I got that Wattpad message . I felt that 13 minutes is the longest minute in the whole life. But i was late. I was so late that I could not stop anything. 
          
          Man, this is a nightmare. A nightmare. Baby you left us. You left your dear mommy. You can no longer text me and tell me “I Iove you”. You can no longer watch the daily show with me. You can no longer be kissed by me and wake you up. You can no longer snuggle with me. You can no longer ask me to scratch your back and say please go to Africa or China imaging there was a map on your back. 
          
          Oh my baby, I am so jealous to see other people’s daughters since I had one before and the most beautiful one, the sweetest one and the smartest one, but I do not any more. My heart is torn whenever seeing other girls next to their mom. I wish you were here. I can only share the same space with you in the dream, if I dream of you at all.
          
          Love you baby, miss you so much. 

Baby- 
          
          I have not posted here for a while. But I miss you every single day: when I saw a baby, or when I saw a girl, or when it is a holiday, or when we travel without you. 
          
          It is 2024 but I do not want to say bye to 2023, or 2022 or 2021. I hope I can go back up 2020 to the day so I can change everything.  I wish I could stay with you that day so you would never find any opportunity to stay home by yourself.  I should have checked in and ensure you were ok when they texted me to come home by 7:30pm. If I checked I would never allow Dad take your brother out and leave you by yourself. 
          
          I should also have told you if you are not here nobody will help mommy shop for beautiful clothes, nobody will text me silly emojis as well as texts telling me she loves me…. nobody, if your brother is not available, will take care mommy when I am sick or older. This might help you change your mind? 
          
          I wanted to tell you millions of times that I love you and hug you gazillion times, and keep snuggling with you and won’t let you go, my baby. 
          
          Baby, one day in my dream of you, I was about to take you to a swimming pool to have fun but then you were kidnapped by others…  I was screaming and rushed to save you .. till I wake up finding you no where to be found. 
          
          Another day, in my dream, I was holding you in my hand and all the sudden you had some life threatening symptoms so I was freak out and tried to save you …. 
          
          All these nightmares. Even so, I was able to at least spend the time with you in these dreams. 
          
          Baby, I got your some Christmas gifts including a dress, I am imagining how tall you are now ….and your brother got you a sculpture with two dolphins, one representing him and one representing you.
          
          Miss you so much Baby. Hope you know that mommy misses you every single day. 

Today is your day, my dear. A day that I will never forget. A day that turned me upside down. A day that unbearable pain kicked in. A day that tore me apart. A day that a hole appeared in my heart. 
          
          Miss you sooooo badly, my baby!! Love you forever, my dearest baby.

It is so hard to say goodbye to the person you love so much. Last several weeks I spent my time taking care of fatter in law who eventually passed away last week. 
          
          Baby, I told him about you and hope he could take good care of you there. Not sure if you got to meet him but he is a very caring and loving grandpa and father. You met D but not his dad. 
          
          All those days the image of when i had to say good bye to you keep showing up. It was tearing my heart apart. Miss you so much baby. Love you!!

Merry Christmas, everyone! 
          
          Baby, mommy miss you. Miss you most during these special days. Merry Christmas, my baby. I wish I could make up the gifts I did not give you when you were away. Mommy is the one who should prepare gifts every year. But I did not since I thought you went away with your dad while I stayed home taking care of your sick brother. What a mistake that I am no longer able to make up for! My baby, I love you. 
          
          When I saw the swim with the dolphins activity, I remember how those dolphins were chasing you. My baby. You were so happy chases by dolphins. I miss you so much and wish I could bring you here with me to Hawaii. You would love to see the fish, the sea turtles. You would love to see so many things and hear your brother’s swim with manta Ray experience. 
          
          Mommy got your a small gift ( other than thd gift we wrapped up for you at home.) Baby, miss you so much!
          
          Merry Christmas! 
          
          Mommy