KachiSertona
Hi Venus! You asked my thoughts and as a practicing copyeditor I’ll do what I can to help make your prose look pretty while you’re getting used to this whole “being an author” thing.
First, dialogue. You always put punctuation at the end of sentences, and this includes dialogue. “You put punctuation at the end of the spoken dialogue and inside the quotation marks.” Like that.
Whenever you switch from one person talking to another, you start a new line. There’s an exception, but you don’t have to worry about it yet. So, for example:
“Angeline is speaking this line,” she says.
“Lilith responds. She keeps it short.”
Angeline does something here, “Now she’s exclaiming something!”
Typically in professional prose you won’t use anything other than the double quote marks for dialogue. Since Lilith is using ASL it’s understandable that you’d mark her dialogue with different marks. But do keep in mind that ASL is a language in and of itself and thus she is talking, so it would be more proper—so to speak—to use the normal dialogue tags. However, this is your story and you’re allowed to do whatever you want.
The3RejectsOfSociety
I have noticed that about Angeline, I am getting to the part where she's more involved, the whole thing where she doesn't have her meds will come into play later, the chapter I'm working on is focusing more on her
KachiSertona
Story logic observations.
Why is Lilith doing all that to get Angeline’s attention when she can clap, whistle, stomp her foot, or snap? She seems to do anything other than the easiest way to make a noise. Heck, I wouldn’t be surprised if she had a little pet clicker for this exact reason.
Establish right away, as soon as Lilith needs to say something, that she’s using ASL. From then your readers will assume she’s using ASL unless the story says otherwise. Also mention the mechanical backpack earlier and be clear about it; it took me a whole chapter to realize the bag was not a normal backpack. Your readers won’t know anything unless you tell them!
You’ve got a great ability to describe the setting and what characters are doing, which is a good skill to have. Make sure you establish things early and clearly.
I could go on and on, but it’s important you practice what you want to improve. The Chicago Manual of Style is basically the writer’s Rule Book For Everything if you care to look that up.
Most importantly, keep writing! And good luck!