Life does not have to end now, hold on

So I'm trying not to have a small panic attack right because it just suck in but a few hours ago I did a test to see my BMI
          
          So I'm 5'2 and I weight 97.6 pounds and my BMI is 17.8.....
          
          
          And your BMI is supposed to be above 18.5
          
          Sooo I'm underweight, which I kinda already knew but to have it actually said is really daunting
          
          I'm not really surprised just.... disappointed in myself even though I know it's not my fault that eating and food in general makes me sick and makes me want to throw up so half the time I just don't eat but it still feels like it's myself I'm underweight....
          
          I think I'm definitely gonna try to talk to my mom about this cuz I think I have some kinda ED but I don't know exactly what type

Hi, I'm sorry. I just really need to talk to someone and I can't talk to anyone irl cause they'll tell me to get therapy or whatever. And I thought you'd understand because I've seen you're posts and your rants and you feel the same way sometimes. I've been crying for the past like half an hour because I genuinely want to end my life. I know that it's a lot, and I know that it means giving up. But I don't want to live in a war. I barely want to live at all. And I know how to do it. And I know that it would affect all the people in my life. And there are so many things that I want to do, but it just seems to hard to keep going. And I don't know what to do. And I don't want to trigger anyone or annoy anyone or drive anyone over the edge. Or give my siblings who aren't out of the house yet extra restrictions because I couldn't take it. And I don't want to be the first funeral my younger siblings have to go to. But I just don't want to do this anymore and I haven't for years, and I thought I was getting better, but I'm not. I'm not getting better and I don't know what to do and nobody listens to me when I try to be serious because they all just think I'm a joke and I don't want to go to therapy but I don't want to be here and I don't want to hurt people by leaving.

I just realized something.... I don't have my dysphoria hoodie TwT
          
          Cuz I gave it to my partner yesterday cuz they forgot a change of clothes so I gave it to them so they didn't have to wear their Taekwondo outfit at a restaurant and be uncomfortable TwT and now I have to wait over a week to get it back, I was planning on getting back yesterday but seen as we aren't hanging out tomorrow I can't TwT I am without a dysphoria hoodie

Update
          
          me and my partner are NOT hanging out tomorrow TwT
          
          Her mom said we need to reschedule and didn't tell us why for some reason
          
          I swear the next time we make a plan and her mom eventually says we can't do it and doesn't give a valid reason(No my partner not cleaning their room is not a valid reason, Miss) then I will get on my fucking bike and bike over there, I am DONE of making plans just to not go through with them, it's terrible for my mental health to suddenly just change plans because my brain doesn't like random changes and the last like 4 times we made plans to hang they were canceled and i'm done, I'm hanging out with my partner no matter what
          
          Hell i was still slightly sick yesterday but did that stop me from see them? No. It didn't. Hell i felt like shit yesterday and dissociated half way through the belt testing but I still choose to stay just to see them, thats how fucking desperate i was. I was done waiting to see them and me being sick and feeling like shit was NOT gonna get in the way of me.
          
          
          :3

Eeeeex6tdsytdskuyfsusyfuysyfsuy
          
          Tw: Me being a simp and very gay
          
          *Gay panic*
          
          Ahhhhh
          
          
          
          I'm so proud of my partner, they just got their black belt in Taekwondo today! I couldn't be more proud of them and I'm so happy i was there to see it happen.
          
          Like ahhhhh they looked so hot punching and kicking the boards and it was so cool it see them break
          
          
          And i'm not gonna lie i was crying a lot cuz I was just that happy for them
          
          And after that me and mom went with them to a restaurant with their family and one of their friends and we were just talking, it was very nice
          
          And also I am gonna see them on Saturday to hang out with them, I love them so much

Question for the people who read my vent fic with Ed
          
          Would you guys want more content with Ed?
          
          Cuz I have a few ideas to write and one I'm in the middle of writing, I really love writing Ed but I don't know if I'd actually share any of it on here unless people are actually gonna read it. I'm gonna write a few more light-hearted ones about his future but I definitely do wanna write more about his past because there's a lot to it.
          
          I might make a whole book on here about him with little short stories and a few longer ones and any art I draw of him.
          
          Would you guys like that?

I was gonna gonna do this early but I forgot so I'm doing it now
          
          Happy mens mental health awareness month!! Remember men, it's ok to not be ok, your feelings aren't a weakness, their something that all humans deal with, you are not alone so go take a good cry if you need it, go to therapy if you need it, your mental health is important to, you matter

...
          
          
          
          
          
          
          
          
          Warning: long rant
          
          I feel so alone
          
          Even my PARTNER that lives 2 miles away doesn't even hang out with me anymore
          Mainly because they never clean their room so their mom never let's us hang out(for some stupid reason)
          
          We've barely called cuz I don't even know their schedule anymore and they don't ever try to call me even though they know I'm free 90% of the time
          
          It's been over TWO MONTHS, since my birthday, since I've hung out
          
          I thought when my family moved closer to them we would hang out more but in fact we hang out less
          
          Do you know how it feel when someone you emotional depend on practical ignores you?
          Terrible.
          
          I don't even feel like their best friend sometimes anymore, let alone their boyfriend that they have been with for TWO YEARS
          
          I mean we're gonna see and talk to each other today but barely because it's just me going to see them get their black belt with barely anytime talk let alone be alone well talking and then their doing on a 5 day church thing with their friends
          
          
          They KNOW how bad my mental health is and yet they never check in to make sure I'm ok, let alone alive, heck I think if I died they wouldn't even know for weeks
          
          I know I should talk to them about this but I'm afraid I'll come off as too needy or something
          
          
          Idk but I am thankful for my boyfriend who checks on me EVERY day

Idk i'm bored
          
          https://2truthsandalie.fun/5J8rP

Ya'll i finally got the courage to tell my mom that I think I have a panic disorder and she said she'll bring to up to my doctor when we go in a month or sooner if my mom my can get a sooner appointment.
          
          I've always knew it was more then just anxiety cuz I would have random panic attacks with zero reason and i'm talking like ZERO triggers around me and now I might have a name for it :3 Yay