TheTorturedPoet13

this boy got me writing poetry about him. what the actual fuck.

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          when something negative happens to my boyfriend, for an example, the annoying group of guys from another class pick on him or all of us or the guys in our class are bullying our teacher or anything like that, when something like that - which is negative - happens to my boyfriend, he subconsciously deems the entire day ruined without himself noticing. his entire mood just goes down and he’s super negative about literally anything. 
          
          i am going through stuff at the moment (in case you haven’t already noticed lol) and am completely down some days and honestly one of the things in my mind constantly is whether it would seem suspicious if i left to go to the bathroom and- yk (i don’t think my friends have noticed that that’s what i’m doing so yeah). the group of guys kind of harassing us verbally are also one of the things i think about constantly because it affects me and makes me kind of uncomfortable and sad in some way. another thing is the fact that i don’t reallyyyyy speak to any of the girls in my class after school :( like i know them, and we’re friends and all but we’re not FRIENDS. idk y’all :(
          
          anyway, today we were both kind of off throughout the day, we had some conversations which should’ve been completely normal but they turned … not civil? if you can call it that. 
          
          what i wanted to come on here to say was that if someone asked me how i know that he’s the right one for me (at least for now, knock on wood :<) i would just show them some of the texts he sends me out of nowhere sometimes. he just texted me to say that he is sorry for being all moody today. that was it. there was no request from me or an ask for a sorry. he just told me because he WANED TO. if they wanted to, they would. and in my case he does want to, so he does. gosh i need to tell him i love him soon. :,)

hey guys… it’s been a week now. my boyfriend is STILL not mad at me?? (trust me, he has proven that he is not mad ;)) the guy friend who did the things has said sorry a bunch of times to all my other friends… but not me? i talked to one of my friends who still talk to this guy everyday (some of my other friends have cut him off completely- my boyfriend, the guy who held the party and those kinds of people) about it today and he said “well, you can’t expect him to apologize when you keep ghosting him.” and it’s just like- i haven’t been ghosting him?? i stopped sending him snaps back so we broke our streak but i opened them all and he can still text me. i have literally done nothing to stop him from contacting me but nope, no sorry for me. he literally harassed me that night :,) i still feel dirty just thinking about his hands so that’s something. he was my literal best friend for 3+ years and i’ve known him all my life. guess some people wait a long time to show their real selves. 

he’s not mad at me. he has told me that a million times now. he sent me a text an hour ago and i just opened it and it just said “just a reminder that I’m not mad at you, just a bit disappointed and hurt but not mad.” oh how i love this boy. i hate myself for what i did, i can’t afford to lose him. i’ve never even told him that i love him. but i do. and i think maybe part of why this is so difficult for me is because i’ve never had someone who reached out first, cared for me and my feelings and overall loves me how i deserve to be loved. i don’t think i’ve ever been treated right in a relationship. i don’t think this is the end for us, because he has said that he doesn’t want to break up with me. this is just a conflict we need to conquer together. we’ve go a lot of things to work through already and this is only making it more complicated. but we WILL get through this together. i can’t afford to lose him. this is all my fault.

it has now been what, 7 hours? i don’t know. my friend texted me 2 hours ago that he had told my boyfriend and i’m just kind of like. yes. i know. i fucking had that conversation. kind of.. anyway. it’s 6 AM and i’m sitting in my kitchen drinking water because why not and i fucking hate everything and i’m never drinking alcohol ever again (that’s a lie but i’ll pretend). i don’t think all the people that were there knows what me and my bsf did, but some of them know. i agreed to facetime with my bf because he asked if we could so now i have that to look forward to (haha. NOT.). i honestly think i might just sleep the whole day just to avoid it so we can talk in person instead because i feel like doing it over the phone is kind of horrible, especially if he’s going to break up with me :( anyway, you will hear more when there is more.

i’m at a party with my friends and me and my guy bsf just went on a walk alone and we kissed and i let him and i kissed him back and omg i just cheated on my bf and that’s crazy wtf i’m gonna cry i’m too drunk to think about this :|

i think i just scared my friend half to death lmao. 5 missed calls and 17 texts. see that’s the reason i don’t tell my boyfriend, but text my other friend instead. my boyfriend would immediately panic even more and then think i kms and blame himself. instead, i texted my friend and now he’s distracting me by telling me step by step with pictures how he’s setting up his new aquarium. get yourself a william.

wattpad deleted the post i made about sh wooooow
          
          anyway, 11 hours clean right now so that so cool. told my friends and they were all sad and worried and stuff and i can’t really figure out what my boyfriend thinks because yes he knew i had struggled with it in the past but now he’s suddenly number one affected of it. they all told me i had to text them next time or something and i tried to explain that i find it difficult to do that, and i also warned them that this will happen a LOT in the next few weeks if not months because now i relapsed and it’s difficult to stop again. they’re trying to be understanding but i don’t know what they really think. 

4 months clean from self harm today. 
          still ended the day with making a list of reasons to keep going. 
          i hate this. 
          i literally have no reason not to be happy. 
          i have an amazing boyfriend, a caring and kind family, a bunch of really good friends, there’s a new taylor swift album coming out in two weeks.  
          
          will it always be like this? i just want to be happy. i want to be truly happy. without the quiet dread and fear and hate and disturbance of peace in my mind. 
          
          i truly hate myself. not because of my looks or my personality. but because i make myself feel worthless.

it’s our 1-month anniversary tomorrow so i asked him if we are making it a big deal or keeping it lowkey (because i would like to know if he gives me a gift so i can crochet a gift for him) and he said that we could go get pizza like the day we got together so that’s what we’re doing. then he said that he had promised his dad to ask me if i would like to go out for dinner with them both (my bf and his dad) at this really good restaurant on thursday. that’s such a cute thing to ask. also the fact that his dad had suggested inviting me with them?? i’m dying !!