Ash

YOUTUBE CREATORS!!!
          
               This is a message to let everyone know that after December 9, 2019 YouTube will be watched and creators will be attacked by COPPA! This organization is planning on fining and flagging YouTube creators for having anything that is pretty much child attention grabbing but their video is marked "Not for Kids" (this includes video games a child might like, having bright colors in thumbnails, toys that children might like, etc.) To calmly ask for COPPA to explain this system better and possibly change how this might turn out I ask that you sign this petition made by Jeremy Johnson, but please keep your comments CIVIL (No cussing anyone out or threatening anyone please)
          
               This is so we can try to help the youtube creators who may be effected by lazy parents not getting the free YouTube kids app or wanting to monitor what they watch on it. 
          
          Petition: http://chng.it/24WqHFLzNM    Deadline is December 9,2019 hope to see more people part of the change

     Summer camp
          
                I git put in summer camp for two weeks, at first I didn't really know what to do and I was really shy, after about a week then I started to open up out of my shell. That's what I regret and actually kind of hate... 
          
                I found out someone in camp like(s)ed? Me, idk if he still does or not but anyway for lack of better words he was constantly touching me without my consent and just flat out bothering me. After saying stop it the first time I thought it would be okay but then it wasn't cause he kept doing it the next day.
          
                 Anyway because of that I was introduced into my new group of friends who wanna be roomates with me already?? But let me tell you last day of camp (yesterday 07/23/19) was the worst day, everyone (in my group) was emotional from the day before and all of our own personal problems but then a fight almost broke out cause someone wanted to call me and my friend Bri a hoe and they just wanted to come mess with my group. 

Milk and Honey
          By rupi kaur
          
          
               If you are wondering why I have a book with the author in this post it's because I just read the whole thing. I would tell you guys about it but there is so much to say about each chapeter and not enough room on this post thing >~<
          
               Milk and Honey is a really good book I can actually relate to for a 16 year old kid? Lol and I'm sure everyone else can fund something they can use in it too! Also it's not so much a normal chapter book, it's a series of poems that bring it together to make a book.
          
               It's mostly mature content I would say 16+ sorry kiddos... But it's totally worth it! It's a good book okay!!

Done
          
                I'm done with summer school and stressing out over boys or girls and I'm definitely done with anything involving my ex
          
                I'm back in drama with my ever so famous ex but it's gotten so bad I have to move schools and I'm glad because my mom now understand how evil he is let alone be around. He's crossed lines too many times and hasn't had to face a single penalty and now he's crossed the ultimate one where he can no longer be anywhere near me.
          
                I also want to take this time to say I'm not big on religion or anything but If I have to sit at one more church service that makes me uncomfortable due to noise one more time I just might want to blow my ears out so I don't have to worry about sound ever again. I've had too much noise going on for me to even want to be anywhere loud right now. I came against my will so at least let me have my hearing, it's a church service not a concert...
          
                 But yea that's what's been going on this week other than seeing my unrelated twin again for the first time in forever UwU

Almost Done
          
               So I'm in summer school and I I've been trying my best to finish early. To my advance I already have notes taken on most of what I have to make up :D I'm almost Fifty percent done with school (seeing as the deadline is the twenty seventh for the month)
          
                Oh and I just wanted to say If my online persona seems a bit different it's because I am different. I'm back on the hit list of my ex for being honest with him (I told him that we aren't friends I'm just being nice cause I don't have a reason to be mean and that I didn't want him to do anything to me) 
          
               I also was just cheated on by my new ex (The person I've had the biggest crush on for the longest time T.T) long story short he ghosted me and then started posting him with another girl... But that negative energy is not what I need. He taught me how to better my self love and if he feels like that was the best way to end our relationship then I guess he isn't worth the heartache and tears
          
               I'm sharing cause I'm tired of bottling everything, it drains me beyond compression and takes too much effort to maintain.

Thinking out loud...
          
          I want to scream
          I want to shout
          But nothing seems to ever come out
          I open my mouth and feel overloaded
          Hand in hand that's where my love was held
          I want to cry
          I want to die
          But nothing seems to tell me why
          I will just have to suck it up
          Maybe doll up and look like buttercup
          I want to leave
          I want to run
          For he is the one who holds a gun
          One day he'll probably shoot me
          And thanks to my mom she shows reasons for my muteny
          I want to scream
          I want to shout
          But the only thing I have is doubt
          When the ones you dred the most are near
          How long until they consume you with fear

Last few days of school.
          
               So today is the first fay of last week of school and I'm getting yelled at by a kid for humming. Most of you don't know that I can't control when I hum so I just start. Sometimes it's when I need to calm down from anxiety or anger. Something along the lines of that, anyway I was humming in class and the kid who never listens to me when I ask him to stop doing something decides to yell at me for something I can't control.
          
               Lately instead of being depressed and stressed (thank god it's over lol) I've been getting mad a lot. I hate being emotional but that's life for you .n. 
          
               Anyway aside from irritating kids some orther kid slid in my dms on insta and called me cute :T then started talking about how my butt looks squishy/soft (and that's a big deal of mine cause... of life stuff) buuuuut I'm already dating a high school grad so no thanks kid who rode my bus 
          
          (if you couldn't tell I'm just rambling and venting at this point :'V)

     Is it just me or has there just been a really depressing atmosphere everywhere lately? I mean... I have every reason to be happy! People are being nice to me, my ex finally came to his senses and stopped being such a butt about life, heck even my boyfriend who I thought couldn't get any better has! I'm confused on my feelings.
          
               It's like I don't have anything going for me I'm depressed, life is working in my favor and I'm depressed. I never win, I'm only stuck with my optimism and it's not enough apparenty. It's like sitting under a giant cloud unable to see but knowing where everything is or floating underwater still able to breath. I don't know how it works but it works. 
          
                I just want everything to be fixed...

     Soo, I once again tried to be the big person with my favorite person to vent about and he still wants to blame me for kicking him out his favorite class and apparently sticking my nose in business that isn't mine but see... His girlfriend is thw one who shared information with me and my sister for my safety.
          
               I understand where he stands cause I didn't have to tell the school or my parents about the one thing he said or the fact that he's done some other effed up stuff to me and my sister this school year. But he's the one who wanted to do all of this knowing someone was watching, he wanted to do all this fully aware of his actions because I planned out half the stuff he did logically when we were still cool.
          
               I just want all of this to be over.. I'm tired of feeling like I have to walk with my head down or not even go to school cause I know I'll run into him. I'm tired of having to hear his name every weekend and be hit with nostalgia of when we were friends. He only drags my name through the mud and his isn't even in my mouth anymore.
          
               I literally don't want to be his friend but want to stop feeling the feelings I have at school. The second I see him I feel sick and scared but I also feel angry and confused. It's emotionally exhausting and I'm already mentally exhausted so I'm pretty much done with everything.
          
               Him aside my boyfriend doesn't seem to be interested in me anymore... I think he's only after my body which is very unhealthy and toxic but I guess I'll have to wait and see for any conclusions to be made.
          
               I'm just tired of fake everything, fake feelings, fake friends, fake smiles, just fake... I want to be in a actual real friendship, have real feelings from someone other than me, and a real smile at school. I also want to stop being paranoid at school or anxious over the smallest things, I'm trying to get over my anxiety...

Prom
          
               You know that dance that everyone is so excited for at the end of the year minus the few who just don't want to go? 
          
               Yea, I'm part of the few, not that I can go to my prom anyway typically you go with a date and you have to be a junior or senior but I'm a sophomore.
          
                Only reason I'm making such a huge fuss about it right now is because my sister invited me to hers and one of her friends who is now dating my ex invited him too. I hate that.
          
                 I don't feel safe when I know he's in the same area as me due to some of the bull he put me through. I hate him andd before meeting him I never knew it was even possible to actually hate someome, I just try not to because everyone has a reason for acting a specific way and why add on to the negativity in the world?
          
               I low key want to go to prom with my sister cause it's free and the only time I can be a teenager around her and meet her friends but I just don't want to be around somsone who makes me so angry just knowing that he's breathing and that he never has to pay for stuff he does... It's so unjust and unfair.