The more I grow up, the more I relate to those sentences in books. The loud mind, suffocating walls, collapsing chest, hollowness from inside. At times I wonder if I am spiraling, going crazy, or Its just something every growing adult goes through. God, how much I sometimes wished i wasn't the oldest child yet then fear that if not me, then what if the other person collapsed and gave up? Suddenly it feels so heavy, the responsibilities, the future, to top it all, I am a girl. To make it worse, I am a girl who looks like a 15-16 year old girl, a minor, a child. They don't give jobs to children, now do they?
Because, I don't know what i am doing, what if things would be worse than they are now? And, kudos to my father, I am way too familiar with the concept of death than a normal teen should be. I used to think, death isn't the worse thing that can come. But now...it seems scary becoz, I am not ready for the aftermath? Neither mine, nor anyones. Becoz, in my absence, what will they do?? And in their absence what will I do? And it's stupid to think about but I do and it weighs on my mind and I find myself just thinking about it for hours and hours until I throw myself in a panic attack. To get out of such thoughts, I turn to books an unhealthy amount of books. And I hope though I love feeling, can't I feel a bit less? I don't invest myself emotionally in too many things there are just a few 3-4 people in my life, and without them I find myself unable to imagine the life and it's awful becoz its such a stupid thought but bunch of what ifs just echo in my mind and I have to physically hit that useless lump to keep it quiet.
And I hope the new year brings good things becoz this year was nothing but a lot many of lessons I don't think I needed to learn but I had to anyways. And, I also hope, the next time I ask myself the question why people want to live, my answer won't be, for others, but, just becoz they want to and life is beautiful. This wasn't the winter I wanted.
