I'm stressed, depressed & sleep deprived. I just want to get away from all this...

Year early 2019 I had told my class friends that I wanted to die but the only reason why I kept on living is my family but now in the year 2020 I had seen that the only family I had lived for reprimand me for not looking for a job during a global pandemic when they were the ones who told me not to go anywhere, so now what reason is there to keep me living when my friends & family think of this as a casual remark that I'm never gonna commit suicide. Is it that I don't have the courage to commit it or is something else holding me back I myself would like to know