Dear people of the universe,

My name is Captain TurdsButt. I'm the lowly worm who watches you eat your fruit loops every morning, asking myself, "Who the hell eats fruit loops?" 
I know, I was the one kid who use to think he was eccentric even though he was a failed abortion. Anyway I used to wish I could paint the sky in polka dots.
- And I still do.

The human being who is good at breathing,

TB