Abbadod
dude, I'm not digging into an interesting idea, I'm a kda fan myself, but you don't connect dialogues and events in your story well, and there are a lot of grammatical errors in it... I wish you good luck.... fix it, find a beta version that will help you
in composing dialogs and fixing bugs.
TwistedComit
Honesty I don't mind the grammar errors it makes the story seem more of my way of speaking or how I feel like they would speak