Before I used to sneak cats into my room. I’d hide them under my bed, and just knowing they were there made me happy. I loved kittens so much back then. That was when I was younger, before and during my teens. I didn’t care about the smell, didn’t care if the mother cat might scratch or bite me. I just loved seeing them safe, loved feeding them, making milk for them, watching them exist in that small space with me. It happened again ngayon. Same situation pero I wasn’t the same person. Instead of feeling joy, I felt worry. Most of what ran through my head wasn’t love, but fear, yung mess, the responsibility, the things I couldn’t handle. And that scared me. I realized I don’t even feel like I have the energy to take care of anyone or anything right now. Heck, I can’t even bring myself to wash my clothes. It feels like even the smallest inconvenience could push me over the edge, like I’d just fall apart. Like i’d just cry and breakdown nonstop.
I always thought growing older meant growing stronger. I asked myself, bakit parang paurong ngayon? But maybe I wasn’t stronger back then, maybe I was just less damaged. I thought things were finally getting better now, but sometimes I wonder if I’m just forcing myself to move forward because I’m terrified of getting stuck. I don’t want to stay in one place and cry and cry.
So now I ask myself quietly: am I really okay, or did I just get better at pretending that I am? Do I breathe freely now, or did I simply learn how to control my breath better?
