In chapter 7 you write this sentence: “I went to one of my dad's make-up studio.” Here you should write studios, not studio.
Later in the story it becomes clear to me that their father is famous and wealthy. Maybe it would be helpful to make this a bit clearer earlier on? And also show the effects this has. What privileges come with that? How does it influence the way people treat her? How does it affect the way your main character thinks about things? (My main character is also rich with a famous father. In my story I mention several times that she considers herself better than everyone else, and that the lives of working people don’t interest her.)
I notice that some things don’t always feel realistic. It’s mentioned that Kevind attempted suicide, but after that you barely hear anything about it. While in real life this is usually a big deal with a major aftermath. And why do they suddenly go straight to an amusement park right after your character had an asthma attack?
You mention several times that your character hates friends. That’s possible, but for character building it might be interesting to describe how this came to be. Usually this happens when someone has become isolated or has had bad experiences with friends, etc. What would be the reason for your character?
Your story also moves a bit quickly at times. Maybe adding a few filler scenes would be a nice idea? That way readers can get to know your character’s everyday life, and there’s more space between important events (for example between the asthma attack and the amusement park visit).
I love all the mysteries you add! They make me curious and make me want to read more. For example: what was the relationship between the mother and father like? What happened to Ophelia? Was something really following that girl from chapter 10, or was she paranoid? What do those photos in the father’s drawer mean? All things that keep readers interested.
