VEGETABLE_SHORTENING

ang mensaheng ito ay maaaring nakaksakit 
ok so basically my life is ruined my life is fucked I slept with my best friend and things aren't the same, I get depressed and wanna end my shit every time i space out, I can't function normally without daydreaming of alcohol, I yearn friendship so bad but I'm a terrible friend, I try so hard and it gets me nowhere. I have money now and its just a constant stressor, I haven't moved out yet and home is not home i literally just sleep there, I got a puppy that I cant even have because I haven't moved out yet, I'm trying so hard to learn and grow and be optimistic it's not working, I had a couple weak moments and broke my six month streak of not sh ing, I have so much shame about all of it, and even worse I keep spacing out and just reliving bad moments in my life and my life is just such a drag right now. everything is so hard and ugh I hate my life so bad but I'm so scared of what death will be like because I don't believe in afterlife but I do but I don't but I do and I just wanna end it but I can't and I won't bc I'm a pussy but I just wanna live a different life and start over but that doesn't exist. I think about it all the time though, at home, at work, at the gym, on the bus, when I walk or talk or breathe, but I know it would be selfish and hurt people around me even though I convince myself nobody would care. there's so much but there's also nothing. I just wanna talk to someone without being sent to a ward but like no one cares and that's ok, but it's really not.

TooWetCall911

@VEGETABLE_SHORTENING And if you know there's someone who would be hurt by your absence, then somewhere inside you, you already know that you matter to them. Your life matters, gurll. And wanting an escape or setting boundaries doesn't make you selfish, it makes you responsible for yourself.
          	  I know you want to share this with someone, so please share it with the person you know actually cares about you. Or try therapy—there's absolutely no shame in that, especially now that you have some financial independence.
          	  And yeah, if you wanna talk, I'm here ♡
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TooWetCall911

this message may be offensive 
@VEGETABLE_SHORTENING I get you. Even when you want to not think about it, your brain overthinks anyway. Just give it something else to think about, something new, something creative. It probably won't stop completely, but maybe it'll give your brain somewhere else to go instead of letting alcohol become the only escape.
          	  I don't believe in an afterlife either, but some part of me does, cus of how being raised in a religious environment affects you. You aren't staying alive because you're a pussy. It's because some part of you still has hope, even if it's buried underneath all this shit. Just don't let that hope evaporate. Hold onto it, even if it's tiny.
          	  The feeling of just wanting to leave, change your country, start a new life is so real. Escape feels easier. A different life does exist. But it wouldn't exist on its own. You'd have to build it slowly after growing past your current self, and I know that's exhausting to hear when you already feel exhausted, but it is possible.
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TooWetCall911

this message may be offensive 
@VEGETABLE_SHORTENING You don't know how I feel hearing that you do have money now. After everything we used to talk about, this was kinda the first thing you needed the most. Stressor? How? TT is it job stress?
          	  
          	  Oh, everything makes more sense. You're still in that home. I'm sad to know home is just a house for you. But as someone who genuinely gets you in that, I'd say there are brighter days ahead, gurl. You just need to let yourself keep going. You will make your own home someday. Just let yourself live through those dark moments rather than letting them consume you.
          	  
          	  Again, I get you. Like I remember how much you liked animals... Maybe you can try to make some little space for the puppy in your room if that's possible? And if things genuinely don't work out, I know that's a painful thought, but finding it a good home would still be better than either of you being miserable. But tbh, having a puppy around can also be a really good little source of comfort and routine, so maybe it could help you more than you think. Gurl I know, and trying to be optimistic isn't a day-long, week-long, or even months-long process. It's something you have to go through every single day you wake up and then every time you go to bed. You're allowed to have shitty days in between. You just can't let those shitty days convince you that there won't be better ones.
          	  
          	  It makes my heart heavy to know that, but don't live in the guilt or shame of harming yourself. You slipped. That doesn't erase the six months you managed to get through. Just acknowledge what happened and try to be a little more open to asking for help when you need it. There's no fucking way your life doesn't matter or your body doesn't matter.
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VEGETABLE_SHORTENING

ang mensaheng ito ay maaaring nakaksakit 
ok so basically my life is ruined my life is fucked I slept with my best friend and things aren't the same, I get depressed and wanna end my shit every time i space out, I can't function normally without daydreaming of alcohol, I yearn friendship so bad but I'm a terrible friend, I try so hard and it gets me nowhere. I have money now and its just a constant stressor, I haven't moved out yet and home is not home i literally just sleep there, I got a puppy that I cant even have because I haven't moved out yet, I'm trying so hard to learn and grow and be optimistic it's not working, I had a couple weak moments and broke my six month streak of not sh ing, I have so much shame about all of it, and even worse I keep spacing out and just reliving bad moments in my life and my life is just such a drag right now. everything is so hard and ugh I hate my life so bad but I'm so scared of what death will be like because I don't believe in afterlife but I do but I don't but I do and I just wanna end it but I can't and I won't bc I'm a pussy but I just wanna live a different life and start over but that doesn't exist. I think about it all the time though, at home, at work, at the gym, on the bus, when I walk or talk or breathe, but I know it would be selfish and hurt people around me even though I convince myself nobody would care. there's so much but there's also nothing. I just wanna talk to someone without being sent to a ward but like no one cares and that's ok, but it's really not.

TooWetCall911

@VEGETABLE_SHORTENING And if you know there's someone who would be hurt by your absence, then somewhere inside you, you already know that you matter to them. Your life matters, gurll. And wanting an escape or setting boundaries doesn't make you selfish, it makes you responsible for yourself.
            I know you want to share this with someone, so please share it with the person you know actually cares about you. Or try therapy—there's absolutely no shame in that, especially now that you have some financial independence.
            And yeah, if you wanna talk, I'm here ♡
• Mag-reply

TooWetCall911

this message may be offensive 
@VEGETABLE_SHORTENING I get you. Even when you want to not think about it, your brain overthinks anyway. Just give it something else to think about, something new, something creative. It probably won't stop completely, but maybe it'll give your brain somewhere else to go instead of letting alcohol become the only escape.
            I don't believe in an afterlife either, but some part of me does, cus of how being raised in a religious environment affects you. You aren't staying alive because you're a pussy. It's because some part of you still has hope, even if it's buried underneath all this shit. Just don't let that hope evaporate. Hold onto it, even if it's tiny.
            The feeling of just wanting to leave, change your country, start a new life is so real. Escape feels easier. A different life does exist. But it wouldn't exist on its own. You'd have to build it slowly after growing past your current self, and I know that's exhausting to hear when you already feel exhausted, but it is possible.
• Mag-reply

TooWetCall911

this message may be offensive 
@VEGETABLE_SHORTENING You don't know how I feel hearing that you do have money now. After everything we used to talk about, this was kinda the first thing you needed the most. Stressor? How? TT is it job stress?
            
            Oh, everything makes more sense. You're still in that home. I'm sad to know home is just a house for you. But as someone who genuinely gets you in that, I'd say there are brighter days ahead, gurl. You just need to let yourself keep going. You will make your own home someday. Just let yourself live through those dark moments rather than letting them consume you.
            
            Again, I get you. Like I remember how much you liked animals... Maybe you can try to make some little space for the puppy in your room if that's possible? And if things genuinely don't work out, I know that's a painful thought, but finding it a good home would still be better than either of you being miserable. But tbh, having a puppy around can also be a really good little source of comfort and routine, so maybe it could help you more than you think. Gurl I know, and trying to be optimistic isn't a day-long, week-long, or even months-long process. It's something you have to go through every single day you wake up and then every time you go to bed. You're allowed to have shitty days in between. You just can't let those shitty days convince you that there won't be better ones.
            
            It makes my heart heavy to know that, but don't live in the guilt or shame of harming yourself. You slipped. That doesn't erase the six months you managed to get through. Just acknowledge what happened and try to be a little more open to asking for help when you need it. There's no fucking way your life doesn't matter or your body doesn't matter.
• Mag-reply

VEGETABLE_SHORTENING

anyways what y'all been up to

U_N_Owen_was_bahthub

@VEGETABLE_SHORTENING hair loss inducing apparently
            
            
            We were on our sunmer break after dealing with our college thesis
            
            And now we have to teach kids
             (　ＴДＴ)
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VEGETABLE_SHORTENING

@U_N_Owen_was_bahthub ok depression probably valid, its so easy to get/be depressed.  
            
            also woah how's that
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U_N_Owen_was_bahthub

@VEGETABLE_SHORTENING while not actually diagnosed we have considered the possibility of depression
            
            And we have been made a teacher to an 11th grade class
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VEGETABLE_SHORTENING

I read bl not yaoi 
          
          ppl get them confused a lot, one is slow burn romance between 2 men, the other is practically just porn (with the occasional storyline) 
          
          
          That's all.

VEGETABLE_SHORTENING

@U_N_Owen_was_bahthub ok real and valid
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U_N_Owen_was_bahthub

@VEGETABLE_SHORTENING we balance the two like a good titration
            
            Sometimes we jus need to see a dude get dicked down (￣з￣)
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VEGETABLE_SHORTENING

young wild and free I guess 
          
          ecstacy or acid next 
          
          got offered coke but that might be a little too hardcore for me 
          
          gonna dye my hair again and cut it it's too long 
          
          I love change I love alcohol (not beer) I love drugs I'm about to move out I can't wait 
          
          I'm saving for a car 
          
          things are good 
          
          didn't think I'd be alive at this age sooooo don't ask me bout the future 
          
          only thing I can think of that id want in the future, is prob dihk (no relationships tho I don't fw that) so much work tho

VEGETABLE_SHORTENING

ang mensaheng ito ay maaaring nakaksakit 
they took down most of my go to smut books bruh 
          
          do they rly want me to move to ao3 that bad or what 
          
          I'm so sick of the censorship on the internet because of mad parents refusing to put in the effort to not censor what their kid sees but insist that the whole internet should be safe for their kid. 
          
          stfu and actually parent if u don't want ur kid seeing the real world, censor it urself hoe
          
          this isn't really about the smut tho, it's the censorship. they are stopping ethnic studies classes, making the materials harder to find, erasing slavery and genocides that people need to know about. 
          
          not just past, BUT PRESENT. things happening right now, are being hidden, silenced and covered up
          
          everyone should know why and how people allowed shit like that to happen, how not to let it ever happen again, and now the US wants to take it all away
          
          history repeats itself when you don't actively try not to repeat it.

U_N_Owen_was_bahthub

@VEGETABLE_SHORTENING ngl ao3 is better
            
            We jus on wattpad 4 the chinese bl bcs those are like soap operas
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VEGETABLE_SHORTENING

ang mensaheng ito ay maaaring nakaksakit 
Guys. I am now employed. 
          
          Money = Yay 
          Putting $ into Corporate Billion Dollar Businesses = fuck u 
          Rent = Yay 
          Having to work my ass off all the time = fuck u 
          Car (soon) = Yay 
          The company will pay for my college = Yay 
          Not constantly home = Yay 
          Putting $ into Corporate Billion Dollar Businesses = fuck u
          Putting $ into Corporate Billion Dollar Businesses = fuck u
          Putting $ into Corporate Billion Dollar Businesses = fuck u
          
          stupid fucking corporate America, but at least I get money and am not in the fast food industry.

VEGETABLE_SHORTENING

@U_N_Owen_was_bahthub thank u, n u 2 ▼⁠・⁠ᴥ⁠・⁠▼
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U_N_Owen_was_bahthub

@VEGETABLE_SHORTENING get those dollas sis
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VEGETABLE_SHORTENING

yesterday was the perfect start to spring/summer 
          
          I met up w a friend I haven't seen since I was like 16 and it was such a good match tbh funnest time I've had in a long damn time 
          
          anyways public intoxication is a crime so don't do that 
          
          also I learned yesterday that in most of the US, buying alcohol for anyone 'underage' even if they are over 18 is a felony so that's crazy asf 
          
          andddd we made more plans to hang out
          yippeee \⁠(⁠ϋ⁠)⁠/