noraa

Happy birthday.. yeah, I didn't forget.. wish you a happy life.. may you find peace, and be well

I kept missing you. I don't think I really want you, but remembering the old days make me want to relive it. You were so sweet, but then one day it all changes. You chose men over me, telling me that having them by your side is much better cause they live nearby, telling me how you met a guy who's just like me then ended up hurting. I remember times where I just skip sleeping to accompany you. When you called me crying after getting in a fight with your mom. Or when you took new meds that can make you barren. I loved you so much back then. I thought I wouldn't care even if you hurt me again and again. But then I met people who treats me nice. It opened my eyes. You're busy taking care of your mental health. I'm busy thinking how to help you. It ended up with me torturing my own mental health. Maybe this is for the greater good. But I do wish to still have you as a friend. Tho it lessen after I read my diary. I now doesn't remember much about us, but I held dear to me how we used to be there for each other. Thank you

Your birthday is coming soon. I know. I never forget. I miss us. I miss how things are back then. I'm not getting any better. Just stuck in this hole life puts me in. Wondering if we'll get through it someday, fighting our own battles. Our paths crossed, but now it doesn't. We parted ways, may it leads us to happiness. I love you as a sister who used to be there. I'm sorry.

I wonder if you'll find this diary. Thanks for coming back.

Are we back to how we were?

I did what you asked me to do. I never beg for you to stay again. It still hurts till now. I still cry for your absence. I still miss you dearly. When I miss you, I listened to our calls. We were laughing. There are some where we cried at night. I still sing at night when I remember you. I lost temper more often now. The feelings that left came back. I need to search for new aura. Strong enough to makes me sleep. I need something comfy. I miss your hugs. I miss your laugh. I don't think you'll find this. But just to let you know. I still love you the most. I can't bring myself to tell you. So I'll say this here. I killed my old self. All that's left is the mean me. The toxic me. I have to keep myself from pain and annoyance. Not like before, I don't have you to put it all in a locked chest. Stay well my significant other.

I keep falling down. It had been months but you're still the owner of my heart. Idk. It's you who asked for it. And yet it's me who have to be miserable when you have a change of heart. I can't move on. I till cry frequently when I thought of you. Take care. Be happy for me. 143.

I'm tired. I used to have you to cry on. But now it's just me. I might have a new friend or two. But it feels different. I no longer interested in what to do tomorrow. Or what I want. There's no point of going forward if I end up all alone again. I'm tired of pretending. I did a good job right. Even you were fooled by me being out going. I wanna stop now. I really want to. But something inside me is against it. I feel... Idk. I really don't. What's in my mind actually? I can't comprehend. I need a hug. I need pain. Or maybe not? Someone wants to harass me. I ignored his chat. I'm tired. I don't wanna be nice. I wanna be me. But how can I? I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm just an empty shell.

Sorry. I'm so sorry. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think of. I'm tired. Just tired. I'm sorry I broke all our promises. I'm sorry I talked dirty again. I feel miserable. I can't bring myself to kill myself nor hurt myself physically. This is the only way I can hurt myself. I have to keep doing it. You just won't get out of my mind. Can't you just hurt me yourself? Can't you just smack me or anything. I need more pain. My chest are way too heavy. I need to get out of this feeling. It's hard to even move. I don't wanna do anything. I wanna hear your voice but I can't bring myself to talk to you. I'm sorry. I really am. In the end, only you managed to enter deeply. Why do you have to go inside? Why did you ask to know me in the first place? Why do you have to give me hope then crash it to pieces? Why do you keep having someone else? Why? Am I not enough? You might not realize this but I used to do everything you told me to. Until I realized that I'm not your only one. Why can't I be a boy? Why do I have feelings for you when I can't have you for myself? Why does life have to fucked me up every time I feel like I reach happiness. Is it wrong to be happy. 

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