• ℝ𝕒𝕚𝕟•

Quite possibly the worst semester of my high school career but hey, at least I got straight A’s for the first time in a while

Me when I started kinda crying several times during our final circle for my theater class (the last day of school was today), partially like everyone else because I’m gonna miss our seniors and this class and everything we did this year, but unfortunately also because of all of the connections people were talking about making, and people being each other’s safe spaces and finally feeling like they belong somewhere knowing I’ve never had that and am not sure I ever will. My basically two remaining friends after everything seem to be drifting away, neither seemed to actually want to hang out with me on the last day (today) one of which, (I could be paranoid) said she had to pick up her sister and then had to go sing with choir at graduation at 4:30, so she couldn’t hang out. I just wanted to grab like ice cream or a quick lunch. We were out at like 1.  (And she left at like 12:30 to pick up her sister) But I was like okay alright she has stuff to do, but there was this sinking feeling that she was blowing me off to do something eith someone else, so I checked Life360, and right after she picked up her sister, she turned it off. I ended up making some sort of joke about her location being off later and she was like “oops that was an accident I didn’t realize I did that” but I’m not so sure I believe that. And then my other friend fully just didn’t respond and barely talked to me today. 
          
          Seems like today has set the tone for the summer: depressing and lonely 
          
          Yayyyy

Realizing as my group continues to fall apart that I’m the only one without other friends to fall back on

Officially my sixth pride month

“I’m so sick of seventeen, where’s my fucking teenage dream?”

Moved photos from my bulletin board to my memories box last night, and unpinned two groupchats and one person. Guess this is real now.

Crying about my friend drama for like the 8th night in a row the night before my AP lang exam I barely studied for is just.. great

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhkkkkkkk

I’m dreading prom so bad. I don’t even want to go anymore. But I bought my ticket months ago before my friend group blew up and it was like $100 so I kinda have to and I don’t know what to fucking do

“What do you want to be when you grow up?” used to be one of my favorite questions.
          
          A vet,
          A spy,
          A detective,
          A writer.
          
          Then for a while I had no idea.
          I couldn’t picture a future for myself,
          but I can’t exactly tell people that, 
          can I?
          
          I dreaded the question
          because how do you know 
          what you want to be,
          when you don’t know if you want to?
          
          A teacher.
          That’s my answer as of late.
          The first concrete idea in a long time, maybe ever.
          
          But it’s not a “dream”
          I don’t have a dream,
          just not a dead end office job.
          
          And teacher was the first thing
          I didn’t feel complete dread about.
          But I still can’t picture a future for myself,
          at least not clearly.
          
          I can almost picture myself 
          as a teacher.
          But I can’t picture myself
          
          Getting to that point.
          Past high school,
          Through college,
          Through everything.
          
          But at least I have an answer.
          A direction.
          A path I can finally tell others I’m taking.
          
          “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
          
          I want to be a teacher.
          But want isn’t the exact word.
          It’s the only option
          that seems plausible.
          
          Sometimes more plausible than the 
          idea of growing up.
          
          
          
          Does this count as poetry?