•.°•.🌱𝕔𝕖𝕔𝕚𝕖🌱.•.°.

I've been thinking about gender a lot now. 
          
          I don't feel binary, but also feel fully woman. 
          
          I think this is because I see the nature of femininity as naturally encompassing every possibility. 
          
          In my mind, there is nothing beyond womanhood.
          
          Woman is fully feminine and fully masculine in whatever way that person wishes to encapsulate those traits in their body.
          
          It is closest to divine.
          
          It is matriarchs and childhood and reason and raw animal instinct.
          
          It is caregiver and receiver and the specific virtues of every element wrapped into one infinite possibility of transcendent expression.
          
          But also, in my core, I truly despise the masculine presence. To me, that is violence, incompetence, stupidity, disregard, and constant greed.
          
          So any perception I have of gender is, sadly, marred by my unfortunate perception of masculinity. 
          
          Perhaps just have a different idea of nonbinary? 
          
          Because I've worked so hard in my life to expand the label of "woman" to encompass anything I could possibly want.
          
          Woman is already nonbinary to me. Existing outside of the norms. 
          
          Yet also, on top of all of that, agender feels familiar to me. 
          
          I heard that term, agender, and it almost feels like home.

In the rain, we’ll bring you an umbrella. We’ll never leave you outside in the cold by yourself.

But she tells me this was the depression in him, is the depression in him. That he was medicated once, and in those days, "he was wonderful, perfect, the man I fell in love with and married." 
          
          (the effects of that particular medication only lasted a few days, he needed to try different medicine, but that would've made our insurance more expensive.)
          
          "Is this what 'in sickness and in health' means?" she asked. 
          
          My mom is so strong and beautiful and amazing. I can hardly imagine and only wonder what she would be like now if she didn't endure being ripped apart by her husband for a decade and a half. 

"I remember when you were two years old, just when dad was starting to be different, you and I went out into the woods to see the osprey nest. I journaled for the first time in ages and I said, 'I'm strong, I can withstand this barrage. he can't hurt me.' that's what I thought back then.
          
          But then it went on, and it really did damage me as a person. I started to be uncomfortable around other people, I lost my own temper, he started to get under my skin. I became someone I didn't recognize. My joy was gone.
          
          I remember praying to God, 'please help me, I can't find my joy anywhere.'"
          
          This lasted for my mom until I was seventeen, so over fifteen years.
          
          She said there was a point where every single word he said to her was a criticism. 

"back then, emotional and verbal abuse was not a thing. we were always told abuse could only be physical. but then I went to a civil policing conference, and they explained abuse, all the different kinds. And when they got to emotional, I said 'oh! that's me! exactly what I'm experiencing.'"

"no matter what I did, he could never see the good, everything was my fault. the house, the food, the diapers. even when his back started hurting, it was my fault." 
          
          This went on for twelve years.

I asked my mom, "why did you stay with dad? why in the world?" 
          
          "I was your and your sisters' protector. If we divorced, he would have visitation rights and I wouldn't be there."
          
          I think in words; she thinks in pictures. From her response, what I remember is this:
          
          "I envisioned a huge shield, one used in war, and I would hold that up against him. I would crouch down, and you three would be safe behind me."

I'm scrolling at 3am but don't know what to do with these so here we go:
          
          https://www.instagram.com/reel/DM7HHqgztJA/?igsh=N3A5M3l5a3JvNzZs

https://www.instagram.com/p/DPJnHduDsJG/?img_index=5&igsh=aXMyOXB4YWxwb3lz

Wassup