Man im just so depressed. If I ever thought I was depressed when I was younger, I had no idea what it genuinely felt like.
Like man, I feel horrible every single day. The moment I wake I cry, the moment I get home from school I cry, and every night in my bed I just cry. Every other feeling is emptiness, or a numb version of every other emotion. I cant eat very well- my own mother has commented how i look skinnier and considering im 103 lbs on a good day, thats probably not good.
I have no desire to live, but I have no desire to die. I just feel so empty of a person, and I know its completely my fault. I was the one who let myself get way too incredibly comfortable, and the only person that hurt was me. And its stupid because the only time I did let myself get so comfy was the only time I KNEW- I knew for a fact wasnt going to last. I ignored every single one of my worries and gut feelings and instincts and brushed it off as paranoia. Im the one who let myself get so incredibly absorbed in the moment and I let myself fantasize of a future in which it would last. I was foolish and selfish and I hate every part of my being for it. I hate that im suddenly so loyal and its only served me the worst heartache, the worst pain, the worst betrayal. I hate how trusting and assuming of good intent I am of people.
Man im just such a loser I genuinely feel horrible for my friends- I want to help push them up to be the best they possibly can but im just stuck here and I dont want to drag them down with me. None of them deserve that.
I cant just get rid of my feelings that I carefully nurtured- it feels horrible and just wrong to nip them, and strangle them and let them get infested with weeds. It feels cruel to let them just slowly die too, but what other choice do I have than to throw them away or give them to someone else?
Anyways im genuinely so sorrey to be a Debby downer guys.
Stay safe out there guys ❤️❤️ I love you all even through my many bad moments.
