Willsonshine

I genuinely don't remember the last time I felt reel joy, it's like posing for a camera, like I'm running on auto pilot, I believe it was riding home from a camping trip, while I was (am) grounded, screaming the lyric to EPIC: The Musical with my dogs with me. But I don't know if that was or not. I feel compassion, I think, I smile even though I hate it. I hate my smile, I hate my voice, I hate my body, I hate my hips, I hate my thighs, I hate my hair, I hate my nose, I hate my arms, I hate my hands, I hate my face, I honestly don't understand how you guys can even like me??? How? Have can you and my irl friends stick with a broken child who constantly looks for affection, but once I get it, I feel greedy and emediatly push you away and shay harsh things. God, I hate it, I was love, but I feel like a burden when I go to long of a embrace, I want her to hug me, I got one hug, but I flinched from her bc I'm so used to my friends hitting me, and I can't believe I flinched from her...... I have issues, so how can you stand it. I have panic attacks all the time, but I don't even know if they register in my brain until I get overwhelmed, I PANICKED IN FRONT OF HIM, I HAD A FUCKING PANIC ATTACK IN FRONT OF MY MOM AND BEE AFTER AN AMAZING MOVIE, I WOULD KILL TO GO BACK, BC NOW I CAN'T SEE ANY MORE MOVIES WITH HIM BECAUSE I'M GROUNDED!!
          
          How can you stand me? I want affection and attention, but I feel like a pick-me, I don't want to be.... Why can't I just be a normal girl, spend time with other girls without wanting to be friends with the boys?
          
          Why do I constantly seek validation while also looking for flaws un our friendship, I feel like a heavy weight on all you you, especially you, Mochi and Mom. 
          
          I want to cry, I want to smash and break shit without consequences, I wish I could break someone's spine then put it back together without being held at gunpoint. 

Eystreem: Ewwwww. Do you know how many bee bodies are in honey, also, they process honey with a lot of sugar so that's going to be nasty!!!!!
          
          Me: *drinking tea with the honey I helped my grandfather spin/process {guess what? it doesn't have extra sugar in it, it's just the sweet}* Sure buddy.

Idk who's going to read this, but my great grandfather dies two years ago on September 11, I had an on-going asthma attack, so I wasn't at school, so I'm lying on the mattress on the floor, listening to Penelope Scott. Um, I started crying because my mom was in a work meeting, acting all happy, and I'm like, how? How can you sit there and act all happy on a shitty day like this, so I was overwhelmed, and angry, and tired, and exhausted, and now I'm typing this in his old bathrobe with my mom crying in the other room, I hate this, and I'm going to the Fryeburg fair in Vermont on October 9th, where he lives, wish me luck? I want to go cry rn, but my screen time is almost up, talk to you tomorrow after my crauv maga class, Ily💖💖💖

MY DOGS ARE SO CUTEEEE

The good thing about having mostly guy friends is that, when your one your period, they will comfort you, get you food (play with your hair), pull you aside and tell you that your bleeding, get you medicine, and help you, respect these friends. 

JOIN THE COUNCIL, WE ARE WAITING 

I JUAT DROPPED MY PHONE IS THE TOILET, I SANATIZED IT AND I BUT IT IN THE AC TO GET THE WATER OUT OF THE PORT!!

I can't be the only one who's best friend doesn't like me being gay and is trying to "convert me back to God" and I get ait the, answering it a flat tone not giving her anything, and the only time I've snapped was yesterday after PE bc I was getting changed in the big stall (after the "staff only" sign was put up and she was saying stupid shit, and I was like, "I am not having this conversation right now," and she says, "We WOULDN'T be having this conversation if you STOPPED!" And I go, "(NAME) I WILL NOT HAVE THIS ARGUMENT OVER AND OVER, I AM SICK OF IT, SHUT UP, GET DRESSED, GET OUT, AND LEAVE. ME. ALONE. I WON'T CHANGE AND YOU PUSHING ME IS SHOVING ME FARTHER IN THE HOLE! QUIET AND KEEP MOVING!" 

I am so fucking tired of this shit, I don't care about most insults, but I was late to PE bc I could get dressed quickly, and we were getting ready to go outside and everyone else was grumbling, and this dude who yelled earthquake while I was running bc I had to hurry last year said, "Stopy your grumbling, you're the one who was late, fatty." And, I didn't even say anything, I'm so done. I'm not even fat, I starve myself because of these comments, I'm tired, so so fucking tired. I am obsessed with keeping my weight down, I'm thinking about going back on the BRAT (Bannanas, rice (plain), apples, and toast (no butter) diet again even throigh I'm not sick, my mom's co-worker said that I was pale last time, but idgaf, I'm sick of it. I'm 183.2 lbs, and I'm going to work on getting lower than 100 pounds, maybe it'll help with my volleyball skills and I'll be lighter and jump higher to hit the ball? 

BITCHES, GET YO ASSES HERE, I THING MY CEUSH KNOWS I LIOE HER, SHE KNOW I' LESBIAN NOW BC I TOLD HER, AND I WAS LIKE, "Ol, I may or may not have liked (person's name)," AND SHE WAS LIKE, "Oh, yeah, everyone has," I WAS LIKE, "Yeah, and also, he's fine," AND SHE WAS LIKE, "Me?" AND I WENT, "Uh, no,no, (name)," BUT I FREEKED SO HARD AND SHE AND (another name) ARE TRYING TO GET ME TO TELL THEM WHO MY CRUSH IS AS WELL AS HER COUSIN, AND I'M LIKE, "Umm, I can't," AND SHE KEEPS EGGING ME, IDL WHAT TO DO, I MAKE SKITTLE AND CLOSET COMENTS A LOT AND SHE'S FINE WITH IT, BUT I LIKE HER AND IDK WHAT TO DO. HELP. HELP. HELP. I WANT TO ASK HER OUT. AND SHE GETS A PHONE NEXT YEAR, SO I'M GETTING HER NUMBER AND WE WILL EXCHANGE BOOK NAMES AND WHAT'S HAPPENING, SHE'S FIN WITH GAY PEOPLE, BUT NOW I HAVE MY EX BEST FRIEND RIDING MY ASS ABOUT BEING GAY AT A CHRISTIAN SCHOOL AND TRYING TO GER MY TO "Stop hurting myself with this" AND I' LIKE, GIRL, I'M NOT, IF YOU DON'T LOVE ME FOR ME, I DON'T WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND. AND I' GOING TO HAVE MY CRUSH'S NUMBER NEXT YEAR, AND I'M SO SCARED, AND I WANT TO SEND HER THE VIDEOS ON CAPCUR I FIND TO GIVE HER THE HINT, AND I QANT TO BE WITH HER, AND I MIGHT MISS MY SHOT, AND I JUST DON'T WANT TO MESS SHIT UP BUT HWR NOT LIKING ME BACK AND IT GETS AWKWARD!!!!! HELLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!@