@Writeer22
It's been awhile since I wrote something here. I've been so busy with stuff that I don't even know now, what have I done these past weeks? Well I can't really remember. But yea, it's still stressing. This morning for no reason I cried for hours, but it just died out as the time flies. And now I'm feeling ok, I guess? At least I'm not THAT sad.
I sometimes feelin depressed, but it's not a depression. It's just a very very sad feeling that have no start and no end, a feeling when everything's seems wrong, just a temporary sad feeling. But it stressed me out everytime it happens. I don't even know anymore which come first, the stress or the feeling. It's so confusing.
I badly wanna tell someone, personally, about my worry. But well, fortunately I have no one. Yep.
Are the mental test' on some internet page real? Cause I tried some of them (like 3 to 4 test?), and it told me that I have an anxiety disorder, not that bad, but yea, its reaching bad.
You know that night, when everything just flow smoothly inside ur head, not letting u to sleep. Yea, tonight it is. A morning that more like a night.
The though about my friends do cross much tonight. But the most one is about myself.
How I always feel like i'm weirdly different since I was a kid. The though of having a splendid character since early day got me like, "is there something wrong with me?" Cause I do realize that, myself now is bit out than the usual people around. How I act, how I react, and how I think, I find myself weird even to me. "Now I'm adapting myself to my surrounding, I'm controlling myself to be like this. But, what will happen when people know the real me? When I lose control? No, I know the answer. I'll be left alone. .....as I am, now." And this though always haunt me in this kind of night.
It's 2:14 am, and I don't feel like sleeping.
I may lose myself, but I'm not losing you.
Just for you, I'll be strong. Even if myself are hurting, I'll be there to support you until your wings are strong enough to fly by itself.
So actually Its really easy for me to get panic and such as.. And today, is one of my unlucky day.
In the afternoon rain, there's a guy, pounding hard onto the glass of my front window. I got shocked immediately and squated my body down to floor, as my hands covering both of my ears. I looked at my mom hanging some clothes in the backyard, seemed unbotherd. I tried to call her, but my voice just wont came out. Chills run down as the guy keep yelling and pounding really loud, I was getting more scared and scared as the momment pass by, but the guy didnt seems to gave up. I realized that Im holding a phone in my hand, and quickly messeged my dad, but his answer werent helping at all, then he leave me on read.
I froze as I let my tears sliping, at this momment I cant even think anymore. My body started to tremble upon the now more loud sounds. Soon after a minute, I dragged myself behind my room's door and sat there folding my two feet close, curled into a ball. My head ache so much, and breath became heavy. I feel really scared and when i rememberd that i always felt relieved after talking to my friend, so thats wat i did. And as my finger typed quickly on the phone, my body didnt dare to move any inch until finally the sounds gone after a couple of minute.
Despite the sounds that was then gone, i still froze in my position with my feet started to feel cold. My body's trembling didnt seemed to died out, neither did my running heartbeat.
I then looked again at my phone, decided to chat my mom. And soon she found me hiding behind the door, with traces of tears on my cheek.
She than laught at me. As I stared confused at her face telling me that me, is funny.
Me who cried trembling hard and froze in place apparently is funny.
And later on that day, my father told me that the guys is actuallyy our neighbour, he came home nagging me about that, telling me than im wrong.
What if one day, a friend of yours ask you, "Am I happy?" What would you say?