XxMilk_TeaxX

I try something, I try it out, I was curious. I was only 14-15, laughing and giggling as my brain then shut off, i wake up not knowing what happened, everything felt like a blur.. I try it out again a few months later, bumped it up by a lot.. 20mg, I swallow it, I was out. Slowly moving, Balance was off, train of thought was gone every time i spoke, slurred speech, eyes burning, seeing two of everything, frequently zoning out like im a zombie while having my mouth wide open like im brain dead. Then it started again, while my parents left on a trip. I snuck some, It made me feel great.. Yeah my friends hated me when I took it but honestly.. It makes me feel way better than how they make me feel sometimes, it numbs my thoughts. I picked up on it again, this time 4 days straight after staying up for almost three days. Everyday I felt my memory getting worse. I was getting used to the 20mg which isn’t good. Now that im off of it i feel worse. I feel my anxiety, my paranoia, my anger rising back up inside of my body, my memory worse. Someone would tell me something then I ask “huh? I never heard that before” when it was a few days ago so it feels like I dont care. It’s probably ruining relationships but honestly.. it makes me happier, im not lashing out in anger, crying, screaming.. im just chilling.

Whats going on with me, first its staying up almost 3 days with no sleep, then doing weed for 4 days straight. Im being a bad influence to blu, he says he wants to try it. It makes things for a while but genuinely its ruining my body. Not sleeping and doing weed is ruining it. I use it to numb the thoughts in my brain that tell me to do something I shouldn’t. Now im eating my skin and chewing until it bleeds, scratched my leg until it scabbed. I just want to feel loved for a while, i am but my brain says otherwise. I have anxiety that im not enough.

HELLO DARLINGS~~!! NEW FICTION KIN! NEW PERSONALITY!!~~  HOHOHOHO!!! ANYWAYS!! DOES ANYONE ELSE FEEL PATHETIC? WHEN MY FISCHER ISNT AROUND I ALWAYS GET IN SOME MOOD.. BUT I DONT WANT HIM TO THINK I USED HIM AS ENTERTAINMENT MATERIAL, I LOVE HEARING HIS VOICE AND SEEING HIM EVERYDAY, ESPECIALLY IF HE THINKS IM FUNNY IT MAKES IT STICK UP STRAIGHT!!! IF YA GET WHAT I MEAN HEH.. BUT, IM DONE WRITING BABES~~!! CHU!!~ 

I hang over the sink, breathing heavily, my heart pumping out of my chest.. I sit there staring at myself with wide eyes, tears flowing out, red. I splash my face with cold water like nothing happened. This trend would keep happening, splash, splash, splash. Others have grown worried of me but it isn’t what they think of me, it’s how I think of them, my concern for them, I dont deserve concern. I stare at the ceiling at night, every hour, get up and splash your face with cold water. Every minute, get up and splash your face with cold water. Drink Caffeine every minute, every second that it counts. As you slowly fall into the wolfs trap, you couldn’t help it. It was too loud. Your brain fogs as you sit in the trap, passing in and out of panic as you hyperventilate sitting there wondering what will happen. After a while you will quite like sitting in the trap, giggling at how the brain plays with you, how it works. To the point you are hysterically laughing where you cant stop. Your brain eating at itself until it dies out and you sit there, your dead body laying in the trap with maggots eating your flesh as you rot.

I cant, I cant anymore. I get so angry to the point im crying. Im trying to sleep, either I cant sleep or im not aloud to. Loud noises from outside my room after you know im trying to rest. Overstimulated to the point im thinking of putting a bullet in it. Im never sleeping again at this point, no matter if someone’s worried, no matter if it can even be called an attempt, a cry for help at this point. Its all because I need headphones yet I dont have any, I dont have any to block out the noise and distract myself with something else so im not kicking and screaming or possibly breaking something.

(Just writing to have fun ^^)
          
          Im writing in my journal, focused as my hand slowly glided against the paper with ease, my hand holding the pencil at an awkward angle as I scribble against the sheet. Noticeably I start leaning towards the table, free hand holding my head up as my eyes softly close, eyelashes fluttering, until I hear a big thud come outside of my room, I jolt awake, turning and staring at the door. I was the only one home? Maybe it was just the wind knocking over something.. I knew I should check on whatever that was but something made me feel off, not at ease, scared even.. I sighed before getting out off my chair and stretched my limbs out so they weren’t as stiff as sitting at that desk. I walk to my door, reaching out for the handle but something feels off, I hear quiet laughter outside the door, something was lurking behind this barrier, but I didn’t know what, I backed away, staring like a deer in headlights, no.. it couldn’t be right? It couldn’t have followed me home?.. how did it get in? I pondered before hearing a loud bang on the door, I jumped, startled.. staring with sweaty palms balled into fists. I didn’t know what to do, it felt normal at his house but.. I saw something that looked inhumanly terrifying.. long skinny limbs, tall.. it didn’t look right, but also looked familiar.. My heart started pounding against my chest as if it was trying to escape, I hold the area that it sat in trying to calm its beating but it was no use. What was this thing outside my door?..

I stare into the sky, as if I had deja vu. My eyes, my green eyes from which glimmered turned into dead glass. Dead still glass as rain pampered down onto me. Two angels would come by, both coming to take me into the sky, beams of light glowing from my body onto where i once laid, taking me up slowly as I slowly drip blood down to the surface, it coming down my chin as I let out a final death rattle of pain to signify my last words and my last breath. The day would once get brighter once i have gotten sent to the afterlife… children once playing outside again, no negative emotions, just enjoying the sunshine while it lasts in its last moments.

Im sorry… im
          Sorry im such a let down.
          I dont know where i am when
          My bones collapse…
          
          (Hope you got that ref heh.)
          
          Collapse on the hard ground banging my fist on the ground knowing one day I will never grow wings, knowing I failed so many people. Blu, Jen, Cherry, Xgirly, Tonk, Ava, Bailey, Jojo, Bailey, Jonas, Lily, Gemma, etc.. more than half of them never text me anymore. Since I have distanced myself away from everyone I loved. Ruining my relationships, knowing im a bad friend, a bad girlfriend makes me feel it worse. Banging my bare fist on the ground, banging it until it bleeds, scraped and bruised. Cut, wounded.. until the angel of my life comes down to wrap those wounds. Kiss me on my forehead to let me know its alright. But I know it will never come. Letting me bleed out and cry. Flooding and pooling around my body as I lay there in the bare white snow, no discoloration. Just a big hill of white snow covered in trees as I stare into the blizzarding sky, as it rains the angels soft tissue to lay on my dying body, the maggots coming in to eat the organs that once let me breathe, let me live, let me stay healthy, pumped my blood.

I say something to hint that im sad and he says the opposite thing, I just said “Its always nighttime heh.” And he’s like “IK ITS LIKE BEING TIRED AT DAY AND STUFF BLAH BLAH.” ….. no. Im crying, not that.

Its like, I cry when im worried that his mental health is bad, I cry when he talks bad about himself but when I say im fat, he tells me to exercise, when I say i dont feel pretty he says go do something about it idk. ……… like he doesnt care and I wish he did. It feels like im on a choke hold. I cant do anything, my anxiety stops me, it freezes me from saying anything bad about him to his face but when I know nobodys listening i say whatever. I think everything will turn to the worse. Im failing him. i cant even teach him proper stuff. He’s so clueless and now i feel like a failure because i cant teach him empathy, how to do stuff, i cant teach him what its like to show his feelings. And now i just wanna break down and let it all out but no, stay strong. Dont let him worry even if he doesnt show he is worried and probably doesnt.