XxMilk_TeaxX

It’s not just me and blu anymore, it’s always xgirly and blu and tonk. Im sorry if im fucking talking shit about you guys but i have nowhere else to write. Im always fucking left out to fucking cry to myself, Blu and xgirly always have fun together without me, screaming and laughing to the point it hurts my eardrums even if they read my message, they dont give a fuck?.. not a single fuck. They care about themselves and im stuck cutting myself to make myself feel better and get what I clearly deserve for being a bad girlfriend. Then I talk about my grandpa dying they seem like they dont care so i dont talk about it anymore and its taking a toll on me, crying and quietly screaming until i run out of breath. Next time I deafen and say im gonna kill myself i might not be joking this time because i fucking feel left out and I feel like im forcing people to talk to me. Watch blu and xgirly both hang out tomorrow, without me. AND ITS OUR FUCKING ANNIVERSARY IM FUCKING KILLING MYSELF ISTG.

Every-time someone laughs with me at a joke I made or something thats “funny” that I did, I feel like its fake and im just annoying. I dont know I got a depressive thought one night and kind of stuck with it, i only can vent on here since I guess people just dont wanna hear it from me, maybe I took it too personal? Who knows. I honestly haven’t cried in so long and now I cant stop crying

Heh.. we all wanna kill ourselves in this family, how funny. Yet I was the only one punished for it.

So.. I currently love life right now!! Kinda uhm fighting to not uhm pass out of fear.
          
          Last night my dad got drunk off his ass, at 12 I heard yelling from downstairs didn’t think much of it, I continue talking to my boyfriend until I heard loud banging from the door. I go to open it after my mom calls me and I get in the middle of it.
          
          My mom texted me to see if I wanted to come with and I said sure. At that point my boyfriend when to bed and I was crying to myself in fear, I had so much anxiety my legs were trembling, my brain was dizzy, couldn’t control my breathing. I was worried and overwhelmed. Thinking of possible outcomes like he would yell at me, hit me, or even beat me.
          
          He was downstairs luckily so i grabbed my mom’s coat and left, for 5 years he made my mom seem psychotic when in reality it was my dad.
          
          My dad calling her Narcissistic, Fat hoe, 355 pound slut. Thats not ok and straight up childish.
          
          We dont even know what to do anymore, we have no money, he keeps spending it, nowhere to go, my mom has no friends, I dont have any friends either.
          
          Also he went to get alcohol with the highest percentage to get himself drunk and was suspected of taking my grandpas pain pills.

Wonder what it feels like when your parents cant even afford to get you clothes, one doesnt even work, they keep fighting and you are always in edge to the point you cant sleep and need a distraction from life but get yelled at everytime you distract yourself??.. I dont wonder that anymore. Its life now.

Your other grandpa keeps on smoking when he has small cell lung cancer, 4  inches of his liver being full of cancer. He might be gone in a week, 2 weeks who knows.

Your own parents fight and your mom acts like your grandma, an old hateful bitch. It’s so bad my siblings blocked my mom. When you came to visit grandpa she was rude, yelling at you, getting in your face trying to scare you and it worked. She raised her hand at me like she would hit me, i know she would do it. She did the same thing when i was complaining about putting on a dress which barely fit me. She barely acts like a mom anymore. My dad which seems aggravated at me is not really but your brain makes you think that.

Your own boyfriend thinks he’s a nobody because your bitch ass cant calm down for a second. You are so reliable on people that you yell at people for hanging out with family when your own family doesn’t wanna hang out with you. Now he thinks all of this is his fault, its not, its yours.

You think your life is so bad huh? Well. Im here to tell you it’s not. You go to visit your grandpa, he sounds good on the phone, he tells you he’s doing good. You smile, as you get down there he looked fine to you right?… right until we got inside and he sat down in his chair he always sat in. He could barely even walk to the bathroom. You had to watch him be put in a hospital bed. He has to pee in a jug for fucks sake.. you had to watch him get a catheter put in him, hearing his painful moans, it made you want to cry. He had to shit in a fucking pan it was so bad. I didn’t even get to say bye when i left either. He didn’t remember i was even there. He wanted to show me his military pictures. He wanted to play board games, show off his dad’s jacket, ride around on the tractor like how I’ve been wanting do to since I was 7. Sitting in his lap riding the tractor. Few days after you were there he passed away at 2:00 am. Near an hour to when you went to bed. Exactly the same time you went to bed.

Jfc dude.