XxXRed_ShinigamiXxx

Haven't been updating for about two or three weeks now and I have a reason okayyyy
          	
          	I have been busy with other things and it has deadlines. So I have to put those first, I'm really sorry and I swear once those are done I will update, my kny fic okay?
          	
          	Hope u can be patient

XxXRed_ShinigamiXxx

I am late i know i am sorry for not updating. 
          I wanted to focus on my mental health because my anxiety and mental problems is being a bitch so i couldnt write anything at all
          So i just started painting since my psychiatrist adviced it to me to help my problems. 
          I hope you understand why I havent been updating in like two weeks so i apologize

XxXRed_ShinigamiXxx

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Hello everyone.... 
          
          I just came here to let out what i am feeling You can ignore this message its not really important.
          
          When quarantine started,  i felt happy. Do whatever the hell i want,  i can fucking relax and slack off all day. But being an athlete it doesnt work like that.  I have to attend zoom trainings everyday and to be honest im okay with that.  I accepted that and just did it.  
          
          That continue for a few months till our head coach told us to go to a gym.  Again i was okay with it until i saw my teammate. She lost weight and got thinner. When i saw her i remember looking at my own body after training squishing and pinching my roles.  I felt insecure. I thought i was getting thin with all those zoom workouts i did but apperently thats not the case. I Continue to train my butt off hoping that my weight will go down,  not even wanting to know what my weight is. I was scared to weigh myself i dont want to see those numbers that will tell me that im fat. I didnt dare to weigh myself
          
          Until our coach asked us what our weight is.  I was terrified.  I just told him i havent weighed myself and that i dont know. Then after that he told us to cut off carbs and seets for two weeks. Im okay with that so again i accepted that.  After that i went home and my mother told me something that spiked my motivation up. She told me that this december there will be a judge that will evaluate us.  And if that judge chose us we get to train in russia for the 2021 sea games. 
          
          That really made me determined to train hard and lose weight.  That feeling continued through out my training but then this week on monday, this monday i just suddenly broke down...  I went to the bathroom 2 times that day to cry and scream silently.  I dont know why i suddenly cried that day at first but then suddenly i start punching my stomach and thighs.  I kept hitting it while screaming "pig" "ugly" "not worthy" all those insults about my weight.

XxXRed_ShinigamiXxx

this message may be offensive 
I was sad and insecure and i didnt notice till that day. I didnt kept that in.  I went to the very person that caused my insecurity and talked to her about it. That when she told me she has an eating disorder.  I was surprised.  She has a psychiatrist and a nutritionist and all to help her. I told her i was scared and worried and very very anxious.  I worry my weight, my looks and everything about me.  She told me to come to her if i want to talk about my feelings.  I was happy.  I wanted to have someone to talk to for many years about my feelings so i always come to her to talk. 
            
            Then today i felt that again but its even worse.  While i was in the middle of doing a skill i blanked out, a rush of emotion hit me like a truck. That hesitation almost got me injured.  I was about to cry but i held it in but the whole training it was hard to breathe i was so scared,  anxious and dissapointed at myself. I went to her again and she told me to give time for myself.  I cant do that cause my mom will show me how fucking fat i am 
            That might not be her intention but thats what i think. I am stupi to think that i have a problem.  My mom says that i should forget about it and just focus on my training,  she told me that its because of me that i feel this way. She might be right it is because of me......
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