this message may be offensive
I hate love.
I keep feeling this fear and sadness towards my love life atm. I like this boy but he's straight and I have no chance of dating him bc he's not gay and I can't force him to like me. It just hurts like shit bc he's one of my closest friends and I know if I so much as told him he wouldn't look, think, or treat me the same ever again. I just have to stay quiet and bite my tongue as we hang out every day. Knowing and longing to be with him but knowing I'll never be able to. EVER. It hurts like shit bc I see him every day, I listen to his problems, we're there for each other while I have these feelings and he's completely oblivious. I know if I said anything or he heard about it our friendship would be over. He's not homophobic but I just know that if he found out how much I like him I wouldn't be able to get our friendship back.
It also doesn't help that I know I'd be a shit boyfriend because I don't know how to love people. I wasn't raised around love, nor was I given any as a kid. So I never got a set example of how to show, give, or receive affection from another human being. That's how my last relationship ended. That, and I broke up with him because of my feelings for my best friend.
I'm scared that I'll end up alone my whole life, or I'll end up in a dying, hateful, and loveless marriage just like my parents. I don't want either of those things to happen. I'm desperate for love. I want someone to hold and love just like anyone. But with my luck I know it's not ever going to happen. Or if it does I'm somehow going to fuck it up like i do with everything else. I'm just so tired of love because it means nothing when it all ends the same. Heartbreak