Puns are the highest form of literature. -Alfred Hitchcock

The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream. -Bill Murray

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off. -Bill Murray

Reality continues to ruin my life. -Bill Watterson

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. -Cathy Guisewite

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. -Fred Allen

My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers. -Jimmy Carter

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. -Joan Rivers

Never trust people who smile constantly. They're either selling something or not very bright. -Laurell K. Hamilton

If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out. -Lawrence Ferlinghetti

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. -Lily Tomlin

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. -Mark Twain

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. -Mark Twain

I'd like to live like a poor man - only with lots of money. -Pablo Picasso

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. -Phyllis Diller

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. -Rodney Dangerfield

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. -Steven Wright

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. -Steven Wright

Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke. -Will Rogers

Never miss a good chance to shut up. -Will Rogers

I love chatting, so feel free to PM or tag me!
I don't believe in censoring.
I am a firm supporter of the LGBTQ+ community, so you'll find a lot of that in my books.
Completed stories/One shots are at the bottom.