DepressedB666

Why can I never pinpoint the pain? Why can it not be physical? If it was than I could get over it faster.
          Why does it have to give me such anxiety to cut? Why can't I? Why do I have to care? Why do I need to please everyone? Why can't I ever think of the consequence to my own brain, before I say yes? Why do I have to hurt myself mentally rather than physically? Why are my morals so high?
          
          WHY CAN'T I CUT?????????

I'm broken.
          I hurt, but no one cares!! No one listens!! No one hears my screams of pain!!
          I miss my friends!! I need to open up, but I can't.
          I HAVE to keep my mask on, I have to hide the pain. Even when I try I still can't get someone to understand. 
          I don't even know what will calm me anymore.
          I feel like I don't even want emotions anymore.
          I want to burn. I want to drown. I want to fall. I want to be stabbed. I want the pain to end. 
          But how can it? How can it end? I don't want to die!
          I want a family. I want kids. I want to love someone unconditionally. I want to be loved. I want friends. I want a shoulder to cry on. I want to fall asleep in someone's arms.
          I want to be deaf. I don't want to hear people yelling anymore. But I want to hear someone whisper in my ear that they love me.
          I want to be blind. I don't want to see pity or hate in anyone. But I want to look deep into someone's eyes and see pure adoration, and love.
          I want to be mute. So I can't say anything that will hurt someone. But I want to tell my kids and loved one(s) that I love them. I want to say "I do." But I don't want to taste the bitter words that leave my mouth.
          I don't want to feel. I don't want to feel the slaps or hits. I don't want to feel the hurt in my heart anymore. But I want to feel warm, strong arms wrap around me. I want to feel safe!!!! I want to feel loved!!!!
          I don't want to smell. I don't want to smell the bitter scent of people who have hurt me or of my favorite meal made by people who don't care. But I want to smell the person who holds me when I cry. I want to smell the that they will give me. I want to smell the bodies that I will steal from them. 
          I'm scared of what people will say or think of me if they know what I think or what I want. I'm scared of being hurt again. I'm scared. I'm terrified of everything. I'm so scared that someone will break my walls and leave me.

I'm scared that I'll lose my mask. I'm scared that I won't be loved. That I don't have a future.
          I'm terrified that I will fall so deep in this that I'll end up killing myself!!!!
          I'm scared of dieing. I'm not scared of death, but of dieing. I want to live.
          But what do I live for?
          How do I calm my attacks? How do I do it by myself?
          How do I cry? I can't cry, not while I don't feel safe! Not around others!
          How do I not cut? Why does the pain feel so good?