Z.C

For the first time in my life, my passion to write felt horrifyingly empty.

Light headed. It feels like I'm faking my breaths. I'm floating again. Except I'm still anchored to the ground.

Once again, you misunderstood the things I never said.

Please don't spiral again...

Hypocrites. All of them. I am no better. I can hate anyone as much as I hate myself. 

More. More of this. It's never ending. Let me disappear. Neglect me. Abandon me. Leave me to die. Anything. Why? Why would anyone want to stay? Why do they keep bothering me? Can't they see that their actions are affecting me? Can't they see that their choices are destroying me? Can't they understand how heavy everything is in my existence? How utterly exhausting surviving has become? How hopeless I feel the more I continue to breathe, eat, sleep, awaken and talk? I want to throw up. I want to get rid of this churning sensation. I want to squeeze myself until beyond recognition. Please. Anyone. Can't any of you listen to me!? 

How low do I need to go just to feel something?

Everything feels heavy, I don't even believe that I'm breathing even when my body is clearly doing so. Do I really need to pick myself up and continue surviving? Isn't the bare minimum enough? I'm constantly exhausted, I'm so tired of surviving at all. I'm already rotting, there's no use if I live.

"There is so much to live for", I tried to convince myself. "There are so many things to live through", I told my own heart. "You just need to survive a little longer, then you can finally live just as you wished you could." My inner voice whispered.
          
          But who am I? What am I? For why do I have to be like this? Is it really what I deserve? Is it really worth one life that I call myself mine?
          
          What use do I have surviving in this world when all I see is vivid images of my own corpse? Hanging, bleeding, ran over, sawed, burnt, floating in the water. All those refuse to leave my mind, all those dispel any fantasy I have on finding true happiness. Why do I have to disappoint everyone like this? Why do I have to shame myself as if I am nothing?
          
          Do I even deserve to live as a human? Am I human? Am I really human at heart?

I have been floating, I always feel like I'm floating. Somewhere in the void, a vast space I pretend to be peaceful. The only thing that keeps me anchored is my imagination, yet imagination can only do so much.
          
          Death. When will it come?
          
          Will it be merciful or cruel?
          
          Am I.. going to leave this world so soon?
          
          Of course, I can never know for sure. I am no God, I can't exactly rewrite my fate. And as much as I want to believe it's not true, I'm more than eager to admit that I am powerless.
          
          That is always what I am, no? Lowlife, without a purpose. A girl who is doomed to be consumed by the darkness.