Z.C

If paradise is where all of you are waiting, then to the heaven I go.

I'm shaking. Why am I shaking? All I need to do is to speak, is to tell them that I'm still here, to tell them that I'm alive and well. I couldn't. I couldn't muster the courage to talk.
          
          Yet I forced myself to mutter out a few words or so, and thus ending my non-verbal episode. I continued to talk and talk, and now I am unstoppable.
          
          But it was never gone. I feel like someone was churning my stomach inside out. I am uncomfortable with this. I want this to end.

It's not wrong, is it, to feel something? I'm going to make it out alive, and I should've been glad.
          
          But why do I feel disappointed instead?

Please let this end. Please let this end. I feel so sick, my head is throbbing. Please end me. I'm going to suffer. I have to go through all of that again. Again? Again? Again? Why again? Why can't I just rest? Why can't I just have my peace? Why? Why cant i

Everything is physically painful for no reason at all. My head is throbbing, my chest in clenching, my arms are weakening, my legs are limping, my eyesight is blurring and my breathings are halting. Emotionally, I feel so overwhelmed to the point that it might be better to be dead than alive. I want to crack my head open and shred my brain apart beyond recognition. I do not want to be seen in this state, yet I wanted to be acknowledged. I want to hide in a tight closet in hopes that someone would open the doors to find me. I want to drown myself in the ocean despite my fears in hopes that someone would pull me up alive.
          
          Alive. Alive. Alive. Alive. Alive. Alive.
          
          I need to stay alive. I need to. I must. And I shall.

It's cold, it's cold, it's cold, it's cold, it's cold, it's cold, it's cold, it's cold, it's cold, it's cold, it's cold, it's cold, it's cold, it's cold, it's cold, it's cold, it's cold, its cold, it's cold, it's cold, it's cold, it's cold, it's cold, it's cold, it's cold, it's cold, it's cold, it's cold, it's cold, it's cold, it's cold, it's cold,it's cold, it's cold, it's cold, it's cold, its cold, it's cold, it's cold, it's cold, it's cold, it's cold, it's cold, it's cold, it's cold, it's cold, it's cold, it's cold, it's cold, it's cold, it's cold, it's cold, it's cold it's  cold

For once, I want to learn about someone more than I want to learn about myself. Maybe this is a form of hope, that I am still human in a way.
          
          Maybe I just needed more time to embrace my humanity.

I can't taste.

Hunger.

Stop, stop thinking about it, stop thinking about it, stop thinking about it, stop thinking about the past, stop thinking about the past, stop thinking about the past, stop thinking about the past, stop thinking about the past, you are powerless, you were powerless, let the past stays in the past, stop thinking, shut your mind off.