wish i was asleep

geez i thought it sucked before, when it only happened every once and a while. now wanting do die is an almost weekly thing, and feeling stuck and helpless in my own mind is every night...fuck.

*hugs* ily<3

i just took a depression self test Bc i was like fuck it just to see, ya know? when i was done it said i’m a danger to myself and gave me links to hotlines/websites shit. my reaction? screaming that that’s not true, and that it’s fake. i don’t have depression. i can’t...right?

why do i always feel so sad all the time?
          
          i never feel like i can trust anyone, either. 
          
          even in places where i feel safe sometimes, i always find a way to make it horrible
          
          i want someone to tell me what’s going on, but how can someone do that if most of the time i know like what i feel and think is fake?
          
          fuuuuuuuck my mind and fuuuuuuck feelings

you will see many people smiling, but never truly know who’s world is upside down. it sucks when you know that you need to let go, but you can’t because you’re still waiting for the impossible to happen. i bottle up everything, i hide my emotions, i pretend to be okay.  i know it’s not healthy, i do, but i don’t want it be a burden, and have people worry about me. the loneliest time in someone’s life is when they are watching their life falling apart, and all they can do is sit and watch. depression is a war. you either win or die trying. 
          
          gun or thoughts? a gun gives you an opportunity, thoughts pull the trigger
          
          i wish i was enough for someone. her thoughts were destroying her, so she tried not to think. but the silence was what killed her. people keep telling me that life goes on, but what if i dont want it to? i simply don’t want to exist, but sometimes i think that’s worse.  because then im stuck here, being miserable, but too much of a coward to do anything about it. 
          
          when i die
          don’t you dare
          come to my grave
          and tell me 
          you love me
          
          because those words 
          were the only thing 
          i would have needed
          to stay.
          
          i promise, im okay.

im hurt
          im dying
          im suicidal
          im depressed
          im unloved
          im scared
          im ugly
          im lonely
          im worthless
          
          im FINE

there is one pain, i often feel, which you will never know. it’s caused by the absence of you.
          
          -ashleigh brilliant

what would you do if you saw your daughter in her closet, all the lights turned off, crying, holding a pair of scissors, with cuts on her? would you ask her why her phone was in her room?

Maybe I should just end it myself 
          The universe is taking to long
          Putting on a fake smile
          Is really taking
          A toll on me

aaaaaand heres to another sleepless night *sobbing on the inside, emotionless on the outside*