_Ash_Cash_

When the friendship was so toxic I might need therapy 

It’s been a little over a month since I cut off my toxic friend group and honestly…I’ve never been happier. Over this month I re-evaluated myself and the many awful experiences that I had grown used to dealing with. I realized that those experiences were not okay and not at all “normal.” I also realized how much my other friend group (the friends who originally brought the situation to my attention and supported me through all of this) really cared about me, they admitted to me that they had tried multiple times to point out how horribly I was being treated but realized that I was going to need something inexcusable for me to realize. They have been my rock and I am forever grateful for them.

I did it, I cut off a group of friends who were really toxic and have been treating me like shit for years. It was a bit hard because one of them was my “best friend” of almost 10 years..but I just couldn’t take it anymore, the YEARS of emotional and mental abuse I’ve had to endure, the betrayals, my vulnerable moments being weaponized, I was their punching bag, and I allowed that for way too long. My other “friends” in that group weren’t any better they saw me as an accessory to my bsf and not as my own person…I tried so hard to keep our friendship alive, I would even blame myself.. “maybe if I hadn’t switched to homeschool” “I just need to be more social” “don’t miss this hangout or they’ll forget about you” I did everything I could and it didn’t feel like enough. But how was I to know? They were all I had…until I met them, my real friends, the group I didn’t have to hide myself from, where I can be myself, where I can be vulnerable and not have it weaponized, where I can finally breathe. Then I realized that THIS was true friendship, not the other “friends” that I’ve had to deal with for years…and now they’re gone, out of my life. The weird thing is that I didn’t cry for long, it was more from the shock at the fact that someone I cared for betrayed me in such a way, but after that I’ve just been…disappointed, like all of this was for nothing, that in the end they just replaced me with a new “punching bag” I see their new person, and I hope the best for them, maybe they won’t repeat the same mistake with this one. 

Is this really how you’re gonna choose to end things? By committing the biggest betrayal you ever could against me. You’d rather ruin my ability to trust in others than just..talk to me? Was 10 years not enough for you? Did any of that mean anything? Or was it all for nothing? I put up with so much shit for you, I allowed myself to be treated that way…everyone would tell me to just leave but I always said no, that I’d wait…because I know that you “really care about me” and that you “would never betray me”…don’t I look stupid now.

Getting a GENUINE group of friends really changed something in me bc now I realize I really was getting the bare fucking minimum with some of my friends. Like before I genuinely felt like I was being “tolerated” instead of being yk apart of the group, but with this friend group I don’t feel that with them, I don’t need to have a mutual friend to get the other people in the group to talk to me, they treat me like their friend because I AM their friend. And it sucks because I have these conflicting feelings of holding on to those few good moments when they actually treated me like a friend, but then it’s like fuck…why can’t it be like that every time? 

Continuing this. Let’s face it the REAL reason why you get so defensive when I talk about Justine and her kids in defense is because yall know full well the family is just as responsible for their behaviors and the way they are. Because then yall would have to talk about Eddie. Everyone knows he is the biggest example of the family member yall failed. He needed support and everyone turned a blind eye. And instead of addressing it you ignored it. Allowing for more victims to be created. Because why did it take my great uncle IMPREGNATING his step daughter for him to be arrested? Why did it not stop when he mol*sted his niece. No wonder she turned to dr*gs and even then NO ONE stepped in? I understand they all knew better but it’s the fact that yall think you’re innocent in this. And IM the bad guy for standing up for the kids who had no choice in being put into that situation. IM the bad guy for not letting yall speak ill of them. And you’ll sit there and say “oh they’re gonna be just like their parents” HOW ABOUT WE STOP IT THEN?? They’re KIDS it’s not too late. But no yall would rather sit there and watch them repeat the cycle.

You call me weak and say I let people walk all over me, and that everything I do is to appease others…BUT LOOK WHERE I LEARNED THAT FROM?? You guys talk shit about things I do, and then expect me to not get upset. If I even hint at saying anything critical or disagree with you, you go on a full blown defense and make it seems like I’m stupid and that I don’t know anything and that I’m just trying to “shoot you down” when all I did was slightly disagree with you. No wonder I let people walk all over me because YOU walk all over me. I’m expecting to just sit and nod, do things without asking questions and just obey. Like a fucking servant, because I’m not a human to you, I’m a pet, I’m someone less than, simply because I’m “not an adult” and what then? When I’m an adult am I just supposed to forget about all of this? And act like everything’s okay? Because if I call everyone out about how yall treat your kids as servants I would be “ruining the day”

This is a long one but idgaf.
          You know what genuinely sucks? Being content with yourself but OTHER people making it hard to be okay with that. 
          Im fat. Im not gonna sugar coat it I am fat, I am overweight, I am considered obese according to my bmi. And Ykw I was okay with that, I’m way better than what I was and it’s not like I actively contribute to my weight, it’s just out of my control at this point. And I was okay with that. But of course people make it hard to be okay with it sometimes, I am treated less than by people everyday because I am not what society considers attractive…and it not that I’m ugly, I’d like to think I have a pretty face, and a nice personality…but then people look at my body…the awkward proportions..the bigness of my chest and the lack of ass, the arm fat that peaks out of my blouse, the darkness in my neck and armpits, and then there’s just…me. I’m awkward, I can’t socialize, compared to my friends I stick out like a sore thumb, literally. I don’t know if I can handle it anymore…why am I treated less than because I’m not pretty enough?

It lowkey sucks when you realize your family doesn’t like you, and that they only tolerate you because you’re family…

Mom: “You shouldn’t have gone out with your friends! Now you’re sick, you should’ve stayed home to get better!”
          
          Also mom: “We’re going to church tomorrow, it’s only gonna be an hour”