_Ash_Cash_

This is a long one but idgaf.
          You know what genuinely sucks? Being content with yourself but OTHER people making it hard to be okay with that. 
          Im fat. Im not gonna sugar coat it I am fat, I am overweight, I am considered obese according to my bmi. And Ykw I was okay with that, I’m way better than what I was and it’s not like I actively contribute to my weight, it’s just out of my control at this point. And I was okay with that. But of course people make it hard to be okay with it sometimes, I am treated less than by people everyday because I am not what society considers attractive…and it not that I’m ugly, I’d like to think I have a pretty face, and a nice personality…but then people look at my body…the awkward proportions..the bigness of my chest and the lack of ass, the arm fat that peaks out of my blouse, the darkness in my neck and armpits, and then there’s just…me. I’m awkward, I can’t socialize, compared to my friends I stick out like a sore thumb, literally. I don’t know if I can handle it anymore…why am I treated less than because I’m not pretty enough?

It lowkey sucks when you realize your family doesn’t like you, and that they only tolerate you because you’re family…

Mom: “You shouldn’t have gone out with your friends! Now you’re sick, you should’ve stayed home to get better!”
          
          Also mom: “We’re going to church tomorrow, it’s only gonna be an hour”

Oh to be a boy in my family. Favoritism is always on their side and they’re never held accountable or asked to do anything 

Why does she have to ruin it. I swear I hate when she gets like that and then she acts like a child!! Literally like tantrums and all. She’ll get hangry and bark orders at me telling me to hurry up and not giving me coherent instructions. Like why are you mad bc I didn’t read your mind when you told me to “just pour it everywhere!!” Like sorry I assumed you literally meant “pour it everywhere”??? Like no this isn’t YOUR snack this was MY snack that I chose to SHARE with you. And now you’re mad because I wasn’t gonna let you yell at me? Seriously? If I even so much as asked her to do something with a SLIGHT tone of attitude I would’ve had an earful about how I need to respect her and that she’s my mother not “one of your little friends” but when she does it, its okay? Okay.

It makes me sad when I look back at my old posts from 2020-2021, like I kinda miss it, I was happier, my friends felt like friends to me…they were all I had. I was able to be myself, I didn’t feel childish or out of place. I wish I could go back, I’d start over and do the things I should’ve done, and said the things I should’ve said. Maybe things would’ve been better now

Speaking of people treating me like a joke. I still can’t get over this comment someone made towards me. I just simply mentioned the colleges that I was looking into and they go “bro focus on getting a ged first” um how about you shut the fuck up? This is the first time you’ve talked to me in a year and you don’t even know what the fuck I’m doing… I feel like my friends still see me as some lazy dropout when I’m literally gonna graduate before they do. Like hey guys! I’m over here too! They talk about colleges and stuff like that but leave me out of the conversation, blowing me off like “ha yeah let’s see if you graduate first” they don’t say it but I can just feel it, their words of encouragement seem more as “let’s see” instead of “yeah! You can do it!”

Why do people treat me like a joke, just because I don’t lash out or act aggressively. Like do y’all want me to cuss you out? Say mean things? Start punching people? Like why is violence praised and rewarded… why do I have to be mean for people to respect me as a person.

I’d never have these problems if I was your son and not your daughter 

It’s times like these that I wish I was a boy