_Ash_Cash_

It makes me sad when I look back at my old posts from 2020-2021, like I kinda miss it, I was happier, my friends felt like friends to me…they were all I had. I was able to be myself, I didn’t feel childish or out of place. I wish I could go back, I’d start over and do the things I should’ve done, and said the things I should’ve said. Maybe things would’ve been better now

Speaking of people treating me like a joke. I still can’t get over this comment someone made towards me. I just simply mentioned the colleges that I was looking into and they go “bro focus on getting a ged first” um how about you shut the fuck up? This is the first time you’ve talked to me in a year and you don’t even know what the fuck I’m doing… I feel like my friends still see me as some lazy dropout when I’m literally gonna graduate before they do. Like hey guys! I’m over here too! They talk about colleges and stuff like that but leave me out of the conversation, blowing me off like “ha yeah let’s see if you graduate first” they don’t say it but I can just feel it, their words of encouragement seem more as “let’s see” instead of “yeah! You can do it!”

Why do people treat me like a joke, just because I don’t lash out or act aggressively. Like do y’all want me to cuss you out? Say mean things? Start punching people? Like why is violence praised and rewarded… why do I have to be mean for people to respect me as a person.

I’d never have these problems if I was your son and not your daughter 

It’s times like these that I wish I was a boy

So it’s my birthday… I’m finally uhh the age in ABBA’s song dancing queen. I hope this doesn’t get me banned but anyways yeah at like 12:00 I cried. I genuinely didn’t see my life past the age of 1 6 and now I finally made it and I’m like…wow I did it. But then it’s like what now? I have to move on with life?? I’m gonna age?? I have…a future?

I hate when people just think they know everything about someone. Like my sister and grandma LOVE to look at me like I’m some lazy high school dropout and how I need to be in “normal” school because “you’re missing out on so much of that highschool experience” oh really? What experience? The toxicity of every fine arts program? Being harassed and called slurs everyday? Dealing with asshole teachers and admin? And that’s not even talking about the amount of pain I was in mentally and physically. From the stress of deadlines and tests to my legs being in constant pain from the stairs and walking home. Yk another way I’d be missing the “highschool experience” if I was dead. Bc that’s what I would’ve been if I had stayed there.

I always think “yall are gonna hate me” for my rants but I genuinely don’t think my 9 followers care and even then I don’t think anyone is even active anymore 

I genuinely feel so isolated, like i don’t fit in at all. My friends are starting their senior year, and I’m not there to enjoy it with them. They’re taking drivers ed and getting jobs and I’m still relying on my mom for money when we go out… My interests and hobbies feel so childish compared to what my friends do. My friends sit there talking about romantic relationships and interactions when I can barely keep a relationship for longer than a month. No one looks at me with interest…romantically or platonically, I can’t dress, I can’t do my makeup, I have 3 hairstyles I can do on myself, and on top of that I’m not physically attractive. I’m overweight and again..don’t do makeup. I can’t talk to people or make conversation and when I get the opportunity I blow it simply bc there’s just no way someone wants to talk to ME, it’s always someone I’m with, and I just happen to be there.

I wouldn’t have these problems if I had someone to rely on in this family. After years of false hope, confidence shattering conversations, 1 su1cid3 attempt, several instances of contemplating another attempt, and hundreds of panic attacks later and where are we now? Nowhere. Absolutely nowhere. We’ve made zero progress and as I sit there and reassure my not confident friends that I’ll just “lock in” but what I really wanna say is “don’t worry I don’t believe in me either.”