_Ash_Cash_

I can’t fucking stand this misogyny bullshit that goes on in my family. My mother will sit there and complain about ALLL the stuff my grandma did to her and how my grandma favorited my uncle and all of that, AND THEN TURNS AROUND AND DOES THE SAME BULLSHIT. Like I’ve been running around with you all day helping with this kid which AGAIN ISNT FUCKING MINE!!  And we get home and you ask me to do MORE like. There are two boys here who don’t do SHIT. In this fucking house and it’s YOUR FAULT. Like no wonder your son is lazy and inconsiderate, bc you never have him do SHIT and make ME do everything for him. 

Resilience…such an amazing trait. The ability to get up when kicked down…over and over and over…I’m so tired. I don’t think I have resilience, but then again idk what it is then. I stop my tears and smile as my family talks about the person who cause not only the tears in my eyes but the bruises on my back. I lay in pain by those very bruises and through a thin wall I hear him go about his day as if he didn’t completely ruin the way I see him forever. I am tired. My head spins and my body is sore and as I make sure YOURE comfortable you proceed to guilt me into thinking IM the bad guy for wanting to rest as well.

–I will never rest. There will always be someone to suck the life out of me and for that–

Also idk why but hearing someone tell me the situation I’m in is MY fault without even knowing my struggles and accomplishments just infuriates me. Like I understand part of it is my fault yes, but the friend that said it doesn’t even fucking KNOW the shit I went through that made me essentially give up. Like he doesn’t know that was the year I attempted, and how I gave up my freshman year bc I was essentially giving up ON MY LIFE…he has NO idea the shit I went through and I get he’s using the “tough love” approach but all that does is piss me off. But I’m trying not to be hurt by his comment, but instead prove him wrong, and show him and all the people that doubted me that I CAN get myself out of this situation I’m in. By myself.

I lowkey hate the person I see in the mirror…it’s like I love my face and my hair they both look great and ik 12 year old me would be so happy with just that..but I look down and I just hate it..I hate the clothes that I wear, my face that’s just bare bc I can’t do my makeup..I wanna be the person in my head but then I don’t do anything to get to that point.

I’m done. I’m actually so fucking done. I’m watching a kid that’s NOT EVEN MINE. Feeding him, wiping his fucking ass, bathing him, IM expected to teach him his letters and numbers, I’m the one having to scold him when he doesn’t listen, and ON TOP of that I have to take care of MY mental health that’s debilitating by the second and it seems like everyday I’m getting closer and closer to relapsing back to my old ways. And I’m just supposed to be ok with this…I’m just supposed to nod my head and do what I’m told. And then there’s her. She’s the one he listens to, the one he doesn’t act up with, the one that just does what she says. And she just loves to stick her nose in what I’m doing and goes and “fixes” everything I’m doing to take care of this kid without me losing my shit. 

Why does she just LOVE to piss me off, like it’s a fucking sport for her. She will call me and tease me with going out to eat or going to the store and then will say “oh but you’re not ready” THEN WHY FUCKING TELL ME. Now IM pissed off bc she’s essentially being like “you didn’t read my mind telepathically so now you can’t go and do this thing you really like” and expects me to be just FUCKING FINE ABOUT IT?? It actually pisses me off so much when she does this, like to the point where I have breakdowns and then when I go off and tell her it pisses me off she’s like “you’re trying to turn this around on me and I’m not gonna let that happen” like OH MY FUCKING GOD you seriously are trying make ME out as some manipulative spoiled brat?? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??

I hate that everyone tells me my legs are the way they are because I stopped being active. When actually I stopped being active BECAUSE my legs started hurting and got all fucked up so I went from running and playing tag, to just doing dance and sports, to just dancing, to nothing. Everyone says I don’t even try and work hard, but my legs wouldn’t even be as bad as they are now if I hadn’t worked as hard as I did…if I hadn’t tried to prove them wrong. My biggest regret is trying to prove them wrong…bc doing that only proved them right in the end. And now I have a constant reminder of my biggest regret torturing me every single day of my life, when it’s cold, when I shower, when I sit, when I use THE FUCKING BATHROOM..I had every passion that I loved stripped away from me and dangled right in front of my face as the haunting words of “Yk if you tried to be active your legs wouldn’t hurt as bad” echo in my ears.

I miss my home..

I forget nobody gives a fuck lol