_Ash_Cash_

Kinda wish my mom would get help for my brother instead of telling him to stay with me and for me to “go comfort your baby brother” :/
          Like I just got out of the worst episode of my life and you want ME to play therapist?? He’s got anger issues and lacks emotional regulation skills and you think IM the person he needs to be with?? He needs a therapist and some boundaries not an anxious neurodivergent teen.

Holy shit. What the fuck happened. Well I mean ik what happened but I just…I’ve never had it this bad. I’ve never had so much hate and anger in my heart…I was jealous..envious..I felt like everyone was against me, It felt like my freshman year, locking myself in bathrooms and hiding away from everyone. God but I really think I did it, I ruined everything. I can’t believe I was so fucking stupid, but when I think of what I could’ve done differently I can’t think of another solution…I was DEPRESSED I had no hope for life so..why would I put in the effort? I gave up. And now that I’m back to reality I don’t know what I’m gonna do…

I HATE THEM I FUCKING HATE THEM I HATE ALL OF THEM. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU GO FUCK YOURSELVES I FUCKING HATE YALL

Oh my fucking god can this dude go to fucking school so I can just relax at home IN PEACE. I wanted to shower and cry and scream and let out all these shitty feelings I’ve been feeling and he HAS to stay home, AGAIN. UGHHHH I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE ITTTT and my dad being LAZY as always doesn’t wanna bother waking up my brother and taking him to school. Bc he “doesn’t want to be late for work” when you’ll randomly stay home for no fucking reason. I actually fucking hate it here and I genuinely believe I will not make it through this fucking year.

I wanna be a star. Not a movie star just a star. Something that sits in the night, Something that people have stop and take their time to look at to realize it’s worth. People don’t do it for me here on earth but maybe up there they will. And maybe I’ll be one of those stars that shines the brightest, maybe I’ll be right next to the moon or apart of a beautiful constellation that people will map out and study. Maybe I’ll be that one star that peeps out in someone’s picture or a star that shines through someone’s window. A star isn’t human, it’s just a star. It doesn’t have standards to meet or futures to think of, it’s just a star. But they do have one thing in common with humans…when they get tired and don’t have the strength to shine anymore, they die.

I’m getting worse and the person I need the most isn’t talking to me so I’m just back to stage one. But maybe this is my fault, why do I rely so much on others to feel like myself? Without my friends I’m nothing. And idk I just feel like a shell of myself, or maybe this IS the real me. I’ve always known that I act like a different person around people but is it seriously THIS bad?? Am I just a miserable person in reality? I don’t know but I’m more tempted to block everyone. Just do it and never look back. God I’m actually so pathetic, you seriously rely on others to be happy? A single hint that people actually like you and you perk up in excitement?? This is why you get fucking bullied. This is why you’re like this. I hate myself so much. I hate the person in the mirror, I hate the person I hear when I speak, and I hate the person I could’ve been. I look at old pictures of me and I just think “where did I go wrong?” I was skinny, happy, not a care in the world. I loved everyone and not everyone liked me but that’s ok bc ik it wasn’t because of something I did. I never had real friends tho…I had people who took advantage of me. Maybe that was it? I really don’t know what turning point in my life made everything bad. It was just one moment I was everything I wanted to be and then I look at other photos and I was fat. I was wearing t-shirts and jeans, hoodies, and never did my hair. My long hair was short and I hated the person in the picture.

I thought I was better but I’m not, I don’t know what to do. I’m angry at everyone, I’m upset at where I am. I’ve never felt so alone in my life…I have gcs I read but can’t reply in, friends stories I don’t want to open, and other dms that I don’t want to answer. I hate myself for where I am, why couldn’t I just do the work? Why did I give up halfway through freshman year. Why couldn’t I be more athletic, more flexible, more determined. I had a place when I was in color guard. I have a name, a purpose. I could’ve been with my friends if I had stayed and shut my mouth. If I had sucked up the pain. I regret my life. I wish I didn’t stay sometimes, because people say I made an impact on their life, and if that’s true I’m glad but I how am I supposed to make people happy when I’m barely holding on by a thread myself?

“You should’ve spoken up and asked” I didn’t think I’d have to do that considering you’re my MOTHER. And I get it’s stupid to be mad over pie but it’s not the pie, it’s the principle. I put so much energy being considerate of my mom and brother constantly speaking for them and remembering every habit of theirs so they don’t even have to ask, I just know already. And I can even get the same in return…I’m not a complicated person, I’ve been ordering the same things since I was able to order for myself and it hurts every time they look at me to ask what I want, or you think when you get a sweet for yourself you can’t even think “hmm ash would probably like an apple pie, considering she always asks for one when I get myself a treat” I hate it. I never ask for much, and little things like this would make my day, and they can’t even do that. And then to make things worse, my brother never has to go through this shit. He could be in the back seat, asleep, having his headphones in and my mom would still get him what he wants, even if he doesn’t ask. But me? If I’m in the back seat I can’t relax like my brother, I can’t put my headphones in, because if I want something I have to ask for it. I have to “speak up” and “pay attention.”

The tree thing reminded me of something that happened to me in 5th grade. Looking back at it, I think it was an omen of what was to come. The counselor came into our class doing some bullshit lesson on kindness or something, and gave us all 3 cards with nice messages on them. You had the option to give them all away to classmates or keep one for yourself. We all walked around for a while and then she told us to go back and sit down. I gave all of my nice cards away bc that’s just how I was, I sit back down at my desk and…nothing. My desk had nothing. I looked on the floor, on my chair, I even checked the name tag to make sure I was at my desk…and nope, it was my desk. I sat in the middle of my classroom, everyone’s desk surrounding me as I look at people I considered friends, even my best friends look at their cards and talk amongst each other showing them off. The counselor wouldn’t make eye contact with me as she continued on with her lesson. I think that altered something in my brain, and now years later when I sit and ponder if I’m someones first choice I think of that day, and idk it just always comes back to me.

Would it really make a difference if I left? I think everyone is doing just fine without me, gc’s are just as active, people are still living their lives, ik some people say they wouldn’t be alive without me but I just genuinely don’t think that’s the case. I left my school, I’m not even active on social media that much and everyone is just fine, and some people’s lives got even better. Sometimes I just wanna block everyone, it’s obvious that most people I have around me don’t even care that much, like this stupid fucking tree I did, everyone else had 20+ messages and I had 6. Six fucking messages. Out of the 20 something “friends” I could name off the top of my head I got 6 fucking messages.