Bighani

If I had pursued a different career, would I be any happier? 
          Should I change my field? 
          How can I make my life as fun and prosperous as possible?
          
          -Oh these thoughts!!!!

Hey, 
          
          I am surprised to find myself here twice in a month. Let me share some thoughts going on in my mind right now. 
          
          I just finished watching the movie Hidden Figures directed by Theodore Melfi. The movie is about women who excellently excel in their chosen fields. These are actually black women who still pursued their love for their profession despite the difficulty of showing their potential to society because of their color. 
          
          However, I cannot stop thinking of how people with gifted brains are so much more blessed than people with mediocre minds. I reflected on my situation now and how I am struggling with my chosen field because I am not as gifted as I want to be. I do not understand the chemistry lesson well enough to answer a long exam. I am mediocre. Or am I just in the wrong field?
          
          Being gifted with a smart brain is my wish. One that I do not have to read a dozen times to understand the topic. I am not jealous or am I? These thoughts are in my head because I am not satisfied with myself. There are tasks that I have to do but whenever I try to perform them, I end up in a slump. I second-guess myself. 
          
          I should have not taken this path again because this was what happened to me last year. However, I am prone to relapsing my mistakes. That is what I learned about myself too.  
          
          Could this be any harder? I only want happiness and prosperity for myself and for everyone as well. Looks like one doesn't achieve that in a blink of an eye.

Hi, Oh it's almost a month after my last rant here. I have been busy with life lately.
          
          I've been busy overthinking and stressing over life's sad reality. The downs and rolls of life. I will share this here, I a failing in school. Yes, it is really sad. The breakdowns I'm having are like, every day! All those dreams I have for my family and for myself are very far from my reach. I feel like all I'm doing is not enough. 
          
          I even told my mother that I would take another path but she told me "I will not finish something because I am not focused on one thing." What she said struck me.  Maybe, I was just too distracted by a lot of things and I lacked the self-discipline to study every time there was an exam. Or what if I am not meant for my current course? How will I know that? How will I tell my family who are already invested in me, on this course? These are just a few of the many thoughts that have kept running on my mind, 24/7. Even now I am not in a good state. My head aches, my eyes are sleepy and I am thinking of eating even if it is 11:55 pm now. I don't know.  What should I take to make me succeed? I am proud of myself and have enjoyed my course already. I don't know if I can take the consequences of failing this.

Hi, I am here again at a random time of the day. We have no class today and I guess tomorrow too because of the pinning ceremony of our seniors. Our instructors are busy. 
          
          On days like this, I am left here at my sister's house doing couch potato things. I did not take a bath for 2 days now. This sticky feeling is disgusting but I am always in lazy mode. Which is bad. I read a book last night about habits and I am struck at heart by what I read. It says that sometimes our brain's emotional center can be damaged that we do not know. If that is damaged, we can be irritable, moody, anxious, and lots of negative emotions. We can also become prone to deppression. I think my life and emotions right now is because of this thing. That I am not in a right state of mind because my brain's emotional center is damaged. I am not sure and I don't want to do self-diagnosing but I can't help but feel that it might be the reason of my misery. 
          
          Life is really tough. I cannot even rationalize my emotions. Access what is going on with me and discipline myself. I know what I have to do but I am being lazy and continues to procrastinate myself. Which in turn makes me depressed whenever I feel like I am failing in life. I know I am being stupid but I just cant help but be sad and low due to everything that is going on with my life. 
          
          Please help me, Oh Lord. Amen.

Hi, it's been 2 months since my last log-in here. I have been busy trying to survive life. 
           
          Just a little update on my life, I am now back to studying. If you will ask me if I am okay, I am not. Even, I, myself can't comprehend what is happening in my life. When will I be okay with this life? 
          
          I have this dream to achieve this profession because I am considered the last card in my family to achieve a bachelor's degree. Though my older sister and brother both went to college, they were not able to finish the 4-year course due to some unfavorable circumstances. Now, I am left with the burden of being the one to finish. However, I think I am not on the right track, I am not for this course or I am not doing my best. Whichever it is I am not satisfied with myself. I want to give them the joy and pride that they deserve for the hard work and support they have given me. That is why I am pursuing this course because I see them happy and proud but in turn, I am suffering from all the burden of not being able to achieve the standards of this field. 
          
          I am worried that I might not be able to succeed in this field. There are a lot of things that are worrying me. A lot of things that I have to consider, think about, face, and choose but I am torn about which of these things will lead me to a happy life.
          
          All I want is to live a life full of happiness and comfort. It doesn't have to be much but as long as we do not have to think about what to spend next meal or where to get financial assistance for unexpected things. I want to give my parents a comfortable life in their later years on earth. I want to do the things that I want to do without much effort. I want to express myself, do my hobbies, travel, help, and earn a lot. I just don't know how. 
          
          Oh, God, lead me to a place where I can calm myself and find the answers to my questions. Amen. 
          
          A

When Taylor Swift said that "life is emotionally abusive", I felt that. There are so many things that need to be done, but there is little time to do so or relatively few resources to get things done. I just want to have a comfortable life with my family. One where we won't have to worry about what to eat for the next meal or how to pay the bills. However, my life is so sad. I don't have a safety net to begin with. My parents weren't educated enough to get a job back then, and as a result, even my public transportation fare to school is a burden to them. My sister has some stuff she needs to focus on, and my brother is figuring out his life. I am not blaming them or asking them to become my safety net, but isn't that what a family is supposed to be? One that will have your back when things get hard. I was forced to work after high school graduation because we couldn't pay the remaining tuition balance. My report card was not released, and I was not able to enroll in college. I want things to get better in our house, but doing that requires a lot of energy, and just thinking about it eats up all my energy. Maybe I don't have what it takes to get us out of this damn thing called poverty. I used to have a lot of dreams, but every time they came to mind, the thought of failing would prevail.

Hi

Maayong Gabie!