"The only people who wear sunglasses at night wear them because they can see straight through your bullshit"
                                       -Me , after a 72 hour all nighter


"Oh shit you're thicker than my moms dumplings"
                                         -my boyfriend 


"Wait, you're telling me that you like my mother better than me?" 
                                         -my boyfriend again


"How old are you again?"
                                        -my mom


"Bros before hoes. Except if your bro becomes your hoe, then both."
                                          -me