_einah

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The more I open up with someone give me more reasons why I shouldn't have.

Akala ko kaya ko.
          
          Nakakaloka, sa sobrang galing kong magpanggap pati sarili ko naloko ko.
          
          I put my brave face on and act calm.
          
          I will never forget how my tears run down my face pagsara ng pinto.
          
          Takot ako. Takot na takot. 

What is the best excuse to end your life? 

Right now, If I will be given a chance to die without actually killing myself, I might take it. 
          
          I've lost the motivation to wake up tomorrow.
          
          Sabi ko naman diba, hindi ko na talaga kaya.
          
          Tigil na please. Ansakit na. Sobrang gulo.

Konti nalang....
          
          I am falling apart and IDK how much longer I can take this sh*t!
          
          I'm not that strong, really.

I am posting here hoping to survive my thoughts one day....
          
          Na babalikan ko nalang lahat ng pinagdadaanan ko ngayon. 
          To prove to myself that I am strong, lumaban ako. 
          
          Maybe someday, yeah one day.

May nabasa ako dati sabi:
          
           "How should I tell my mom that I dont't wanna live the life she gave me?"
          
          And honestly, I'm interested to know about it. 
          
          Pano nga ba??

I just realized something.
          
          Lagi akong sinasabihan na napakaunderstanding ko, malawak yung view ko. They are glad kasi kahit anong gawin nila I always support them and give an advice.
          
          Pero baka hindi naman ako understanding talaga. Most of the time hindi ko sila naiintindihan, how can they do that to me when I am being nice and such?
          
          Then I realized that the advice wasn't meant for them, It was an excuse I made for myself. I didn't really understand them, I only settled for their choices 'cause I don't have anything to do about it. Tapos na, nasaktan na ko and they don't feel sorry about it. So, what am I supposed to do other than saying it was fine and I am okay?

They told me to ask help pag di ko na kaya. 
          
          That I must reach out kasi tutulong sila, hindi ako mag isa,
          
          But when I am falling apart, when I needed a hand to hold, walang kahit na sino. 
          
          So I just clasps my hand together and remind myself that its always me who are available for me.