@_kayley_143
Hi guys. If anybodys even looking at this. I just wanted to feel proud and put something out there. Im not suicidal anymore!!! Im kinda happy bec its been hard but im happy y'know
@ _kayley_143 That's truly something you can be happy about. I'm so proud of you!! Stay happy and enjoy life to it's fullest!
Ok idk who is reading this rn but TW:sh, hs, and shit and a long ass vent
Ive been putting this off for 2 months now but its eating me alive. Im technically very VERY young and about 2 years ago i got depression. I didnt knoe ehat it was and i thought something was wrong with me. This happened when my hyperfixations started. When i dtarted taking ballet seriously too. The first year, i was REALLY REALLY busy. Like i had something everywerkend sort of busy and i was dealing with JUST being suspened by a backstaber friend. My ballet was 3 times a week, for 4 hours. I know, very small. But school had started getting serious and my friends weren't the best. On mondays i had swimming after school for an hour and id get changed in the car on the way to ballet. For an hour i got shouted out, for an hour i felt insacure as fuck because i was an overweight child. Not VERY overweight but enough to make me change how i saw myself and feel disgusted. On tuesdays was my only free day in the entire week other than school. On Wednesdays i had musical rehearsals for 2 hours and ehen id come home id study, practise ballet and have online lessons. Thursday was alwo the same. Friday was a short day and yet i still dread going to ballet. Dont get me wrong i love ballet and my goal is based on ballet but you know the phrase too much of something is bad? Saturday was by far the worst day. 3 hours of ballet folloedd by two hours of figure skating. You can guess what the rest of my week was. I had MANY shows MANY practises MANY exams to pass and MANY friendships to mantain. I lost sight of what rest was.
My mom thinks something is wrong with me but i dont want to tell her, the biggest mistake i vould have done was when my mom convinced me to tell her what was wrong and i told her what it was. My mom doesnt give freedom instead she controls me. Im not alowed to go to friends houses, im not getting a phone any time soon, if i say my opinion she'll get mad. As soon as i was dumb enough to say ts she grounded me for thinking she was strict. So now, i have trust issues. Its getting harder to breathe and its getting harder to control myself. The bad thing is i dont stay quiet like most, i talk and i talk and i talk and i resolve never to talk but my dumb brain does and i regret everything. I cant control my body, im not qlowed to shave or wax and qm not trusted to do most of things myself. Why is basic hygeine so hard?? It shouldnt be. At all. But i even struggle to get up and brush my teeth. Im so disgusting, i cant control my blade or my hyperfixations. Hyperfixations are fun at first until theyre all u can think about the same hypersexuality. My blade never feels sharp enough and theres no blood but the pain still is there. Everyday i think about coming home to an exauhsting family. Im just so tired. I dont have any tears left to cry. I cant shut my door for privacy. I dont even sleep on a bed in my own room. Im just so tired. And this is probably why i havent updated. Im so lazy, im so disgusting, i look ugly. Somebody just end it faster
I'm sorry, im really sorry. Idk who is reading this but you shouldnt have. I dont know why i post it. It just felt like so much and i couldnt map ky feelings out. Im sorry if i seem like a pick me. I probably am. A lot of people have it way worse than me. Im just ungratefull. I have no right to feel this way. If i end it it will go away, right?
The 2nd year i also got depression again and i got used to it. It wasnt as bad but i had some trauma that year. It wasnt that bad but basically my parents trusted this women on meds, she was basically schizophrenic and my parents thought she was fine. My parents are HIGHLY religous so they said that the woman (sanaa) could go off her meds and thyed pray for her. One day when my mom and brother where out of town and i was left with my dad (ily dad) sanaa got really wacko, to the point ehere i still have trauma. We had to hide the knives from her and she couldnt be trusted. I also had more hours added on to ballet practise and more days, such as wednesday is now a day i have ballet too. Then..i learnt about sex.. and hyperfixations snd i.. became hypersexual. I could not last in school without reading about it. Id have an episode while reading. I COULD NOT stop myself. And im just now realising that me and my friend where hypersexual, we would use c ai daily with some concerning shit. I would self pleasure about 3 times a day every day. And hyper fixations were getting worse.Then.. this year hit. I started off really badly and im questioning everything. Ballet is getting more and more taxxing. My mom is loving yet fucking toxic. My dad can flip but he is my fav in the family. My rother eould get rid of me if he could. And i also think he sa'd me because he helped me self pleasure ehile touching me when i didnt want to. When my mom found out i touched myself she told me to stop but i couldnt and still cant. I feel disgusting and i started getting into sh. My mom doesnt know ehats erong with me when i dont fake smile as much anymore. Where did the fun me go? Where did the happy upgoing small little girl go? I dont particularly want her back though
I DONT CARE WHAT ANYBODY SAYS BUT THIS WILL FOREVER ME ONE OF MY FAVORITE HYUNLIX FICS KNOWN TO MAN
https://archiveofourown.org/works/48279283/chapters/121759024
I’m Lao mainly writing this so I can never lose it cuz it took me about a month to find it after I lost the link lol
Gang, chap 4 out and I’m way too lazy to add the link☺️
we are literally synched up like literally almost all of the minsung books i have read (so thats prolly where you saw me) and i read some of the hyunlix ones too like whattttttt ╰(*°▽°*)╯
Neheheheheeeehehehhehehehehe chap 2 out!
https://www.wattpad.com/story/406010735
I love your bio so much (I’m still too lazy to make my bio despite being on wattpad for over a year ToT) u seem like a really cool person btw
Also I love Hamilton too!! (And obviously skz)
@Cutiequokka oooo what’s ur reading acc? I wanna read ur bioooo also no I have NOT watched that vid and I PROMISE u i will also have u watched say no to this but everybody is Lin-Manuel Miranda
@_kayley_143 thats so real and u definitely suceededddddddddddd funny story, my reading acc actually has a full bio (its filled with pretty meaningless stuff tho lmao) heyyyyyyyyyy speaking of hamilton, have you watched the bad lip reading of hamilton??? its really funny and absurd and u should totally watch it
@Cutiequokka I try to make my bios not overly chaotic and I try to make sure I don’t scare anyone away AND OMG IM SO HAPPY THIS WORKEDDD Also hey Hamilfan ^^