Starlight

:)

Merry Christmas assholes!

Me:*stands up too fast and falls over* FUCK
          Aunt, surprised: Are you okay?
          Me: I can feel my heart beat in my throat, Merry Christmas,

Alley: How are you feeling today?
          Me: I'm not
          
          Jeremy: Hey can I ask you a dumb question?
          Me: better than anyone I know
          
          Alley: And what do we say when we feel like this?
          Me:*opens browser to local plant shop hours*
          Alley: Omfg why do I bother?

"Upon my soul, Wilkes, I don't know whether you'll die upon the gallows or of syphilis."
          
          To which Wilkes replied, 
          
          "That depends, my lord, on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."

Also
          
          It took me 1 week to realize when my friends are being abused but it took me 4 years to realize my step mom doesn't think of me as her real family?
          Like how stupid could I be?
          She told me for years,
          "MY family!"
          "MY nieces and nefews!"
          And it just never occurred to me that she was directly telling me that it wasn't my family.
          That I wasn't apart of this.
          That I was just of my dads blood and nothing else.
          4 years of fighting, mental break downs, screaming, doors slamming, for me to realize
          
          This isn't normal.
          That's..not okay.
          That's low key isolation in a way.
          That was 4 years of her either directly or indirectly making me wonder why I never fit in.
          I have no idea what's going on.
          But it wasn't until dad pointed out the flaw in her argument it dawned upon me.
          That dad told my brother and sister and I that he would do anything to keep us together and stop this fighting.
          It wasn't until I personally experienced unconditional love that
          That kind of relationship wasn't normal.
          Every day should be another fight.
          Everyday shouldn't cause me indirect physical harm because I get so stressed out my mouth herpes break out EVEN WHEN IM ON MY MEDS.
          
          Theresa..
          This..
          This isn't normal.
          I don't know if this is abuse, manipulation, or just fighting and that's all.
          But that's not normal.
          That is not okay.
          It doesn't matter how many problems I have.
          It doesn't matter that I am 15.
          I am YOUR child.
          And a child should never go to bed dreading the next day or crying themselves to sleep.
          A mother should never go to bed wondering of she did the right thing by kicking her husband out of the room.
          A father should never wonder why he married that woman in the first place.
          And siblings shouldn't wonder how long they can keep this bullshit up.
          
          That's not a functional family. And it took me 4 years to figure out.
          
          Now that I know this, what do I do?

It wasn't your fault. It was never your fault. I'm sorry for ever blaming you.

Hair is pink

That..That was supposed to make me happy, right? It was supposed to make me content.
          Set me free.
          It was supposed to make my fears go away.
          So explain to me why it still hurts? Why I still feel like I'm not good enough?
          Will I ever be enough for anyone?
          Why am I like this?
          Why can't I just say "Okay" and go on.
          Why can't I let go to something that hurt me so badly?
          I'm supposed to feel happy. I was supposed to receive closure.
          But all it does is hurt.
          It hurts less now, but it still hurts.
          That "It goes away with time" phrase is bullshit.
          Not everything goes away with time.
          Betrayal, death, loss.
          That shit doesn't go away with time.
          Everyday I think about everyone I've lost.
          Lexi I can't tell you how much everyone wishes you were here.
          My love, I can't tell you how much I wish you were mine.
          And everyone else.
          I'm so emotionally exhausted but why?

Y'all, I got so excited.
          Let me explain.
          I was going to go over to my girlfriends house.
          And we were going to get frisky.
          So I carefully picked out my outfit.
          Lose fit sweater, leggings.
          Decorated bra with flowers and pearls, pink panties.
          I lotion the night before because I don't want sandy titties and I wake up and I'm like
          My..coochie feels weird. So I stand up to check on what's wrong and blood ran down my leg and onto the carpet.