FantasyEqualsReality

Hello wonderful person! I want to grow in my writing as well! Can you give me feedback on this snippet of my writing: I live in an hourglass. Time slips grain by grain through my fingers and piles up around my feet. At first, I laugh, admiring and reveling in the pretty silver grains. I swirl in the freedom of time, carefree, waltzing through the reckless steps in a dance of splendor. 
          Sand is raining endlessly endlessly listlessly and I slow my movements, then stop. But it doesn’t stop with me. It dusts my hair, fills my clothes, and the first buds of alarm drift down with the flurry. I’m trying to stop it but it keeps falling farther and further, building up, surging around my ankles.
          	It's falling in my eyes, in my mouth, in my nose, and I choke on it, my wasted seconds and minutes and hours. I fight but it’s gathered up to my knees, surging like the tide as I try to move, to run away. I’m stuck and I fall and I’m suddenly being buried alive by sheets of sparkling grains. 
          Clawing blindly, I drag myself to my feet but it’s too much, it’s too much, it’s too much. I pound at the glass but I’m trapped and wet tears fill my eyes and run down my face. Time, time. Empty and careless, my gluttony of time has slowly crept up to my waist, to my chest, my neck, my chin, disguised as an ocean of sand.
          	I’m suffocating and drowning and sand fills my mouth and my nose and my ears and it’s so, so painful. 
          	So I crumble away slowly, slowly, piece by piece, and give in to the excruciating trickle of true despair. Until I, too, am just scattered grains of sand in an hourglass of life.
          
          Thank you!

FantasyEqualsReality

I definitely heavily imitated the writing style of Juliette's journal in the series "Shatter Me". I found the style fascinating, and was trying to recreate that with this. It's meant to maintain a certain pace, so I don't think I have the space to incorporate other senses or go deep into emotional depth, because it's also meant to be overwhelming. But you have very good advice, thank you so much!!
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_williams_the_gr_

Hey @FantasyEqualsReality, 
            
            This is a fantastic piece! Your writing style is abstract and immersive, which made reading a real pleasure. I particularly enjoyed how you controlled the story’s pacing, drawing the reader in slowly and maintaining a steady tension until the end.
            
            Your descriptive language is powerful, and you can enhance it even further by incorporating all the character's senses. Smell and sound, in particular, can add depth to the scene. Also, the repetition of phrases like *"in my eyes, in my mouth, in my nose"* sometimes pulled me out of the experience—was that a deliberate stylistic choice?
            
            Another suggestion: lean more into showing rather than telling. Show how a situation impacts a character emotionally and physically rather than always describing things directly. The direct descriptions have an impact when they’re used sparingly.
            
            I loved the ending! It left a lasting impression and something to reflect on. My favorite line was, *" and give in to the excruciating trickle of true despair."*  
            
            For polishing grammar and formatting, Grammarly is very helpful.
            
            Lastly, I’d love to know—what inspired you to write this?
            [I'm not an expert or anything close to that, everything said so far is my personal opinion.]
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