Squishie

Thx for the follow! <333

I tried going to his house cuz I really wanted to see him.
          He wasn't home, he had went to his dad's not too long ago before I got there. So I feel embarrassed now-

I want cuddles. Reading and doing rps make me want love and affection so much rn, as they all are romance.
          I wish i could be with my friend, I could get cuddles from him.
          I feel deprived of the love I want. With my ex I had it in the beginning, but tbh after we had sex it slowly faded away...I never felt like any of it was enough because it wasn't. Cuddles turned into sex even though deep down I didn't want it, I just never said anything. And whenever I did say no he would beg, most of the time until I just finally said yes.
          I hope with my friend it will be different. He's already willing to wait, I just hope he knows it probably will be quite a while....
          But I hope I can get the love I want, actually feel loved and wanted for me.

Of course, happy one moment, depressed the next. My dad isn't when i revealed stuff to my friend even tho it really isn't my dad's business, and got my phone taken. i'm tired of it. He says i have freedom but i dont. I can't do as much cuz all he assumes is I plan to go get fucked. I don't tho. I made that mistake with my ex, i won't make the same mistake again. I want it to work with my friend. I really do like him. I want to date him. I miss the cuddles, the kisses, and just feeling loved. I want love and affection, not sex.

OMG NY FRIEND LIKES ME
          AGAHAHSHDHDHDHDJFNFN
          OMG OMG OMG
          I CAN'T BELIEVE IT
          AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
          IM SMILING SO MUCH
          I KNOW I LITERALLY GOT DUMPED LAST WEEK BUT HONESTLY IVE BEEN LIKING HIM FOR AWHILE. I JUST DIDN'T REALLY START NOTICING AND QUESTIONING UNTIL LAST MONTH.
          BUT HOLY SHIT HE LIKES ME
          AND HE'S LIKED ME EVEN WHILE I WAS DATING MY EX
          AND HONESTLY, MY FRIEND MAKES ME SO HAPPY. HE REALLY IS AMAZING. HE'S BEEN THERE WHEN I NEEDED HIM. HE'S COMFORTED ME MANY TIMES.
          I just sadly can't date rn....
          I hope he'll wait for me.
          I really hope he will.
          Because I really do like him. I just need time and need to know I can trust him. My ex made me lose a bit of trust in people.
          I hope my friend can fix that.

There are things that annoy me with how people expect us to be
          Either ur too loud or ur too quiet
          Ur a slut or ur a prude
          Ur too fat or ur too skinny
          Ur too confident or ur too insecure
          Ur boring or your too much
          No one is happy with anything
          There doesn't seem to be a in between
          It's always one or the other
          The world has made it so it's practically black or white
          There's no grey area
          And then everyone has to hide and fake who they are to fit in somewhere. Be something they aren't.

It's painful.
          When you think you can trust them not to hurt you again.
          When you thought they'll always be there for you.
          The world finds a way to give you a big punch in the gut to wake you up.
          Honestly....I have my dad to blame for this.
          But at the same time I'm still mad at my boyfriend well now ex ig.
          He already did this to me once.
          Now he did it again.
          He says he'll still keep the promise of marrying me one day.
          But now my doubt grows.
          Will he? Will he really keep his promise?
          He doesn't understand how much this really hurts. Because I can't tell my dad. I can't tell my friends until in person. I can't fucking tell anyone. I've only told one friend(who is also my now ex's friend).
          I can't cry. Or else family will question.
          I have to make sure not to have an anxiety attack.
          I'm gonna find it hard to listen to my favourite songs now.
          He's letting me keep his things...which does possibly mean he wants to get back together one day...but I doubt it will be as fast as last time...
          WHY DOES HE ALWAYS DO THIS DURING BREAKS?!?!
          I JUST WANT TO PUNCH A WALL BUT I CAN'T!!!
          IM SO TIRED OF HAVING TO HIDE MY EMOTIONS!!!
          I JUST WISH PEOPLE DIDN'T MAKE IT SO I CAN'T TRUST THEM SO I CAN BE MORE OPEN!!!
          

Holy shit I'm loving Divergent so much!!!
          I so ship Tris and Four!!!! Aaaagagshshdhdjfjfnfjfjfjfj!!!!

Wow. Having someone to talk to makes a big difference on my mood, especially when that someone is my boyfriend.
          When I had proper contact with my boyfriend I was usually wide awake and actually feeling happy. I was staying up late even if I felt tired.
          Now I feel depressed and just want to go to bed because I have no way to talk to the person who really lights up my world.

I am about to have a mental breakdown and it's frustrating I have no way to talk to my boyfriend all because my dad is an @ss and doesn't let me have any social media. Then my boyfriend doesn't have a phone number which makes it more frustrating and then he got banned from the only app I was able to communicate on and I just want to f***ing scream. I hate the summer. I hate being stuck at home. I hate being with my family.
          
          And I know literally no one is going to read this but idgaf I just need vent in some way.